It’s been a shite week. I took Zenni to the vet for his checkup and was told he has irreversable lung damage. It’s not instant death thank the gods, but our vet thinks it might explain the constant coughing.  We have not ruled out tracheal possibilities yet either, but this looks like it could be the problem.

It ties in with his coughing which became severe at the time our Petal died from lungworm. It has brought back my sadness & devastation at losing Petal to the ghastly hemorraging death she endured and anger too. Like a runaway video I still see us driving her to the vet in those last hours. The snow was deep on the road and my girl was in my arms convulsing with her eyes becoming congealed pools of blood. It was horrific & traumatic. I was not crying then because I was in shock - I remember I just kept telling her we loved her and to hang on because we would get through the deep snow to the vet. It felt such an age to get her there.  Anger because I was so flippantly treated by Zenni’s vet at the time when I was concerned he had the dreaded worm - after going through what we did with Petal did I not have the right to be concerned about Zen?   We are just lucky to have him still, but no thanks to her.

I can’t believe several years later I still hold such strong feelings about this. I have been tearful & angry & gone through the whole gamut again. Then I get frustrated with myself because I have this habit of thinking I have cleared out all my old emotional muck & moved on.  And then it resurfaces and I wonder if one ever really can get rid of ones old muck of emotions or if they hover deep in one’s heart just waiting for a trigger.  I miss Petal like crazy still. Even though I have my Zenni & my darling little Ruwbs, I still feel so cheated of my life with Petal…and that she never even made it to 1 years old.

He is on meds now for it that dilate his lungs.  I asked about side effects - his vet said they are not common but that he might become overactive. No kidding!  He is like a young frisky pup and we have had some pretty sleepless nights because Zenni just wants to play in the early hours.  lol.

I do laugh but at the same time I am watching this because should this flip into too much maniac activity that might not be a good thing. For now though I am suprised at him. He no longer growls at Ruwbs irritably. Instead he has even played with her a little.  Poor old boysie feeling so poorly must have made him feel ratty - unsuprisingly.  So far the coughing is better - but it’s early days.

I don’t know where my daughter is right now. She’s not been in contact and my mind starts to go into overdrive. There were aftershocks in Chile & suddenly I just wanted her back home. Booger everything else.  Most selfishly. But it scares me knowing my child is out there on a piece of unpredictable heaving earth.  No doubt she is fine but my anxiety gets out of hand.

Then I start to feel seriously bad because others are realling dealing with such big things in their lives and by comparison my lot is piddly squat. I do that ‘I should be grateful’ number…it never helps does it?!

Dad has not been well either…I think. I think, because he doesn’t tell me what’s up. I just get lot’s of e-mails from him which usually indicates things might not be good even if he says he is okay.  Maybe he is okay - maybe not.  I ever fear his cancer will revive itself.  I feel truly bad too because I have not visited him since we got back from SA  and tbh this is the only way I will truly know how he is.  So I am beating myself up with guilt about this too.

Pete had to go to Croatia for this week  & I realised I had no clean gear for him -  much washing & ironing later I got my act together. I am just the worst domestic goddess ever. I don’t even make goddess status. I need to improve.

I’ve been told we might travel in April - usually I would be excited but I am just miffed that clear dates are not being set. I get like this sometimes - I don’t want to just flow with the tide!  I want routine and DATES and not such vague maybe’s. I’m difficult to live with - and I am having the difficulty!  Frankly I would divorce myself right now if I could!  It’s so bizarre really -  I mean what choice do I have - c’mon. I have to live with me. lol

In a bid to placate myself and get my mind off me troubles,  I made a huge batch of body lotion with some really nice (and expensive oils!) and  the entire lot seperated into a strange gloppy curdled mess.  I had an over the top reaction to it and threw a nasty tantrum which even shocked me. Usually I would just chalk it up to a learning curve, but the way I performed over such trivia, was a bit shocking - even to me. 8-O

It made me realise though that I am oozing stress like a leaking kettle that can’t keep it’s own lid on.

Meantime fitday has died a limpid death on me.   I feel like I am doing everything so badly at the moment. I’m having a real confidence wobbly about everything and it’s mother right now.

Next week will be better right?  Please, please tell me it will be!