Dances with DS

The attic adventures continue I am sad to say. This indicates to you just how crazy it was up there!  I’m still not done - a bit like Peter Pan I reside in Never never land. Never done land.

It’s a weird thing because I adore order.  I love it, the anal neatness of knowing that I have a row of matching colours in my wardrobe, a ready to go outfit freshly laundered, that there are 2 high protein dishes ready in my freezer. But alas all that is my personal pipe dream. Instead I live cusping on panic sometimes at my own inability to be lavishly organised.  But there comes this time of being 40-something where one gets heavy yearnings for pristine order.  So I continue in the blithering attic which has sunk to an artic environment this past week. Through blue lips and true grit I am turning it around.

Just when my guilt at the wasp mass murder was murking out into the distant memory, blow me over if I did not hear a strange rustling in an old christmas decoration box.  I peered into it and I nearly fainted with shock, there was a  writhing wasp about 6 times a normal wasps size.   I kid you not. My DS nearly let up on me as I felt my bowels lurch in panic. It was the mutation from a bad sci fi movie. Despite my panic the guinness book of records flashed before me - should I get my camera?  It seemed to be dying slowly which was horrid but actually better for my mental health as if it had flown out of the box I might have expired from shock. As it was I hit the ladder flying and smacked my knee hard as I landed in the house  yelling for Pete like a mad banshee.  He came to see why I was unable to speak logically.  ‘Oh, that’s a queen…’ he said all matter of factly.

May it be the last queen I ever see, is all I can say.

My christmas planning continues,  I have gifts for my women folk, mostly little bits and pieces, a vintage silver chain & gorgeous old Eilat pendant for my daughter who has a boyfriend in Eilat, the little dog prints for my mum, a juicy golden agate drop pendant for my sons girlfriend who is wholly adopted by me,  a necklace for my neighbour who lost one she really loved and was sad about it, but does not know I have the exact one!, and I am working to make all of them some classic silver earrings with the most lovely cut glass antique victorian buttons in black that I bought on ebay.  The men prove a lot more challenging.   My dad is easy as he loves plants and books,  but my Pete - it’s challenging!  I don’t only have christmas to think of - I also have Pete’s birthday, on the 2nd Dec, Kate’s on the 5th, Matt’s on the 11th, mom’s on the 7th of January.   For these I have nothing at all yet. Only hours spent trawling etsy and  a funky ‘Colon ‘ pendant for my mum which made me smile as I thought seeing as half as hers has gone we will put some back this way!  It’s just a frivolous bit of fun really - but I like these pendants a lot. It arrived today & is beautifully  made & a nice size too. Here’s the link to where you can buy them if biology is your thing.  I wish Sushipot had a DS intestine one but it ain’t gonna happen!

I’m avoiding shops as much as possible - I just find the whole wild over the topness of glitzy decorations and sell-hype too much. I must be getting frigging ancient.  The bright flashy lights, the tired mom’s and yelling kids and the smell of plastic just don’t do it for me. Give me the pace and banter  of an antique or vintage fair anyday.  People sometimes think these are expensive, but that’s not so. If one buys small little pieces that are vintage rather than antique, it can be a whole lot cheaper than blowing ones dosh in a superstore. Things to look out for are old postcards that mean something that could be beautifully framed, little purses and silver jewellery, old compacts that have the mirror intact for the ladies, beautifully finished boxes that can be used to store jewels or for men to store desk clutter in.   Old photo frames are a good buy sometimes too.

Here is Sushipot’s shop:

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=88030

So the pre christmas shop till you drop continues.  I love to buy my people little meaningful bits and pieces, but most of all I’m looking forward to the warmth and joy of having all my loved ones around me.  I’m looking forward to our little family rituals - Christmas eve dinner with crackers, candles and laughter.  Christmas morning mince pies.  Putting up the tree.  Getting poor old Zenni kitted out in his doggie santa suit.  Waking up on christmas day & knowing that I am lucky to be here to celebrate. You see, once you sit on the edge of death as I did a couple of years ago, there is no going back.  Life continues to be precious for me and I live to celebrate it now as much as I can.

This morning I went out into my garden - the japanese  maples are just breathtakingly beautiful.  I stood a long time looking at the blaze of red, orange and yellow that stood out in the morning light. I never even noticed the cold for once!

I won’t rant dammit. I won’t!  Mmmmm, well maybe a little.  I got my blood results back and the darned zinc is way low.  I’m going to have to up it again - I already toke back enough of the dreaded solvazinc, (UGH, YUCK, EEEEEUUUUWWWW, MUTTER) but what can one do?  I decided I am a ‘zincie’.  What’s that?  It’s a genetic disease some bull terrier pups are born with. Their legs splay out somewhat, their fur is not right - it’s kind of fuzzy. They are really small in size. And here is where I understand them and we have affinity - they are cold all the time. Giving zinc doesn’t help the poor little mites.  Unlike a zincie DSer they just cannot metabolise supplements.   Mostly they are put down   but sometimes kind people take them in & knit them jumpers and try to medicate them. In keep thinking perhaps God is telling me to adopt a zincie seeing as I am one too - but I fear the young death of the dogs. At best you get 3-4 years with them.

So there we are,  I am a human zincie.  However I am oddly defying defying zinc side effects currently.  Which is weird. Firstly my trusses are growing at a rate of knots. No hair loss that isn’t normal. No splayed legs yet, no fuzzy hair.  I have high energy a lot of the time but some days I just crash into exhaustion…but I can’t say I am tired all the time…and maybe the exhaustion is just life.  The only thing that defines me as a zincie is that I am very cold - all of the time.  Oh, and my skin started getting rough & dry.

Cold is cold - you pull on a jumper and warm up - right?   Naaaaah, not so with me. I am bone cold. I can’t explain it any other way except that it almost physically hurts sometimes. I mutter & moan like mad and the heating in my house is also defunct so it doesn’t help. I have gas fires and I sit next to them every given opportunity but they are not enough.  So we went to Costco yesterday & I bought 2 Cashmere sweaters. Cashmere is the only type of wool that keeps me warm, unfortunately.  Normally Cashmere is frikkin’ expensive but Costco’s price is not more than your regular jumper. I paid £27.00 each for them and they are lovely and soft.  I also bought cashmere socks and ski slope thermal underwear. And now I am in cosy heaven.  I actually feel toasty for the first time.

While I was at it I bought a huge side of salmon & have just had a feast of a supper. Salmon, sliced cucumbers and mayo on the side. I am fishily replete!

Next week I am buying heaters to carry us through the winter. Don’t talk to me about central heating - it’s a saga. Mine is at least 40 years old. It needs redoing. The house needs an extension - to do it now means possibly ripping it out if we extend. If we extend is looking dubious now because of the economy. Should we, should we not?  We are undecided.  Hence, cold cold Colman palace. Not a good place for a zincie.

Aside from zinc which is not good, my corrected calcium is a little low too.  Not bad - just a few points under normal but we don’t need a trend to form here so I will look into what on earth I can do to avoid that???  Frankly  I don’t understand it, as my albumin levels look good, my PTH, VitD, calcium - all fine!  All my other labs including iron are fine. So I am overall, very happy with the labs - good improvements have happened and  the challenge is really only zinc - and that’s not new stuff. Still it is low enough that I will get GP interim labs I think monthly if I can to check that all the zincing-up is actually working and I am not going to poison myself in the process!

These are the longerterm realities of WLS.  I tell myself this juggling act is never going to melt away like my fat once did. It’s not easy to stay on the ball with it but heck it is A LOT easier than battling the weight. For me, anyway.

But my dear pre-oppies - just know this will very likely be your post surgery experience too. If you are opting for RNY don’t think you won’t have issues as well - I get seriously peeved when people think the DS is the only route to deficiency to specifically justify other surgeries, very often it is not. Find other good reasons to justify the RNY , I am sure there are some people for whom the RNY is the best way, or the band…so don’t get me wrong.   I’m not dissing any surgery, but do yer homework and go into any surgery with open eyes !   And while I am sticking my neck out here in the world of WLS - even bandsters are at risk of certain deficiencies. Yes, this is the surgery toted to be problem free very often in deficiency zone.  It depends.  Mileage may vary and individual accounts differ - but  think about it and figure out if you are okay with the trade in. And resolve to never ignore your labs, okay. All of us need these. 

For me - the trade off is justified - I am slim, maintaining easily at this point, with a whole lot less health issues than I once had including apnea, bleeding raw thighs from the skin rubbing, syndrome X, severe joint pains, asthma…and that’s just the physical stuff - equate the mental/emotional improvements I have had and for me - well, it kind of makes me shut up moaning on & on about the zinc issues.

I have started Christmas shopping in a bid not to do my usual crazy stressy number a week before the day. I have agonised about mums prezzie. I wanted something meaningful for her - she needs to smile!  To my joy I found my mum some awesome little dog prints that appear to  depict her Schnauzy’s  - they are whimsical and characterful  little works of art.  We had a family convention about which one to buy!  We could not choose as they are all so lovely!  I was for the Tulip one - I just love that one. But Pete thought the cow jumping over the moon was the one!  Then the children all had different one’s they loved! The debate raged with us all getting nowhere! So..  we ended up clubbing together and buying three - The Tulips one, the sunflower one and  the moon one. (They are currently the first three he has listed there). I told Todd about my mum and bless him & Nina (his wife) they have kindly given one as a gift to my mum from them too!  This was a complete surprise and I  was so touched I cried. I know, it’s silly to bawl like that, but I couldn’t help it I was so touched. The kindness and humanity of people never ceases to amaze me. I know mum will be very moved too.

Now I’m like a kid - I JUST CAN’T WAIT to see mum’s face on Christmas Day.

( It occurs to me as I write this, how the tide changes as we get older and find ourselves parenting our parents in so many ways!).

Anyway - here is a link to Todds Etsy store. Be warned if you love dogs these are hard to resist! Happy browsing!

(Be further warned Etsy is VERY addictive! )

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5314985

Well I am STILL in the attic. Spooked by the scuttling spiders and cobwebs and armed with a big bottle of poison spray. I know it is horrid to kill gods creatures but I am scared of spiders. I tuck my trousers in my socks incase they run up my leg (shudder!) As if that’s not bad enough  I switched on the light and suddenly the air was filled with wasps pinging about on the tube. It’s an insect zoo in my attic.

I am unearthing size 28 clothes. Buried memories of 7 years ago.  I dunno, people wear their outsize gear to show off slim figures and I might still too, once the sadness that pervades my memory leaves me.  I go back & I forget I am size 8 to 10 - I think that’s around US size 6?  Then I remember just seconds ago I was legging up the ladder no problem at all! I still can’t describe the relief to rediscover I AM IN THIS BODY when my mind returns to how I used to be. 

I thought I’d given most of it away but to my horror I still have BOXES of clothing every where.    Under piles of household paraphenalia I unearth more vac bags stuffed to the brim.   From size 28 to size 12.  That’s a lot of sizes down. And a wardrobe almost for each size.

Here is the understatement of the year:  I think I seriously overdid it on the clothes buying.

The thing is it’s so exciting to buy clothes one has yearned to wear for an age that when the green light on the scale and the baggy clothes on the midriff say ‘it’s time again’  I used to beat it to the shops in fervour!  It’s quite funny because in my head at each size I thought I would stay there. What was I thinking!  Then for several years I stashed my clothing up to size 16 - you know, just incase I had regains.  Which is soooooooo silly because the truth is even if I did regain the clothes in this world will never go away - the shops are still there selling them.  My headstuff is everywhere!

The truly embarressing confession is that I am still a clothes addict and I still buy too much.  In another 7 years time I am going to be doing this all over again. 

I’m sorting like mad - loads for charity & some for the carboot this weekend if the weather holds. I’ll be selling rather than buying for a change! Not just clothes, but also I have so much bric brac & old books - I could open a wee shop!

I’m enjoying the clearing out because it’s been a birds nest up there for too long. I keep finding things I like too - it’s like christmas before christmas!   And some useful bits & bobs too - a nice wool rug that I stashed up there years ago when my  dog Tao’s paws started to bleed poor old gal. It’ll do me this winter or until I can make my dream rug - my lounge needs a rug right now!  Photo’s of happy times and smiling children.  A pair of long forgotton funky velvet shoes that I like again.

I’m kind of happy up there in the dusty cobwebs with the missile wasps from hell.  I think on all sorts of things as I sort and pile.  The ailing world economy. Friends I have lost touch with and miss. The pro’s and cons of weightloss surgery and the importance of being realistic…yep try telling me that when I was desperate to have my surgery!  

Inbetween life goes on. I’m back to cooking for my family and I go to my local butcher every other day to pick up our dinner.  I like avoiding the supermarket - it really helps me feed us all healthier. Last night we had crumbed chilli pork, pineapple sauce, pumpkin, new potato’s and beans. Tonight it’ll be braised lamb shoulder with med veggies & I fancy basmati rice for some odd reason.

I need to pick the apples off my old tree today sometime and make applesauce for the winter which I will freeze.  It makes delicious apple pies.  With cinnamon and cream….yummmmmmm.

I’m hoping next week this lingering flu will have gone and I can get back to my garden before winter strikes us.  But for now I am off to the attic again… see you later! 

Slowly slowly I am recovering.  Not enough to race ahead with life as I’d wish, but enough to do slow pottering about. Which is better than being bed bound. And enough to have a head full of thoughts. My work is lining up at a rate of knots. I’m full of must do’s.  I must clean out my attic - it’s full to the brim of old clothes and oddments. Stuff that can go to help the aged.  I also must complete my little zen style garden, the bricks are waiting for the paving. My garage door looks appalling - it must be painted. Xmas is coming and I have planned nothing.  I want to do a course in felting and a course in plastering with morrocan plaster. As usual my plans are BIG.  I want to make my living room a felted rug because I can’t find anything I like under £600.00.  And I don’t have £600.00  to spend on a rug. So I started researching the art of making felted rugs and discovered a place with a flat bed felting machine that can be hired to create large scale pieces. Sourcing wool fleece is a nightmare - but I think I have a supplier now at a reasonable price.  I’m drawing out the design which is based on old iranian felted rugs only simpler. I don’t want an allover pattern - just a border.  I’m more in it for the rich organic colours and feel of the wool.  I love the colours of hand dyed wool , nothing beats it. Because my house is full of oriental antiques I want to use rich rusty old reds and browns, perhaps a little burnt orange in my design. Autumn colours. I should go outside and look at them more closely come to think of it - I’ll get plenty of inspiration from my maples which are just beginning to glow magnificently!    Here’s an idea of what I am on about!  :  http://www.feltrugs.co.uk/

I have about 10 unfinished pieces of jewellery waiting for me which I am itching to finish.  I have some special antique components waiting - old chinese enamel links with gorgeous inset turquoise, an interesting turn of century indian medalion of a dancer thinly & ornately carved from coconut shell, a beautiful carved chinese walnut that I am fascinated by. It has teeny little figures carved all around it. It would be stunning on a simple silkwork chain with a jade bead and tassle.  Then there’s an equal assortment of antiques that need restoring. My wardrobe needs paring down for the winter ahead…and I am as slow as a snail right now!!!

I’m back on track with eating and discovered a great snack by accident yesterday. I had made a seed roll filled with italian ’speck’ ham and topped with cheese and was grilling it in the oven. The phone rang so I quickly switched off the grill and put the oven on a low heat to keep it warm for after the call. I forgot about it until an hour later when my body reminded me I was famished.  I was a bit dubious about my overcooked lunch but one bite and I was in eating paradise. It was delicious. The roll had become like a crispbread and the cheese was crispy on top but melty in the middle.   I’ll make more of these in the future. 

With this flu I have been a bad DS child.  Ready made meals have filled suppertime & I am sick of them. I went to my butcher this morning and bought a huge fat chick for the table tonight. I’ll roast it with sesame seed oil & seeds, thyme, honey and soy.   I fancy it with roasted butternut squash, cauli-cheese & thin cut runner beans with butter on the side.

I’ve been in constant daily contact with my mum - she is sounding much better & off to her surgeon this week - it’s a weight lifted off me for now.

Well, that’s it for today. Short & sweet. The attic is waiting and I am going to make a start there now.

Just when I had totally forgotten what flu actually feels like after 6 blissful flu free years I have been badly hit by it.

I’m snuffly with a dripping nose, clogged sinus, sore throat, the aches  and my chest burns.

I cough until I think I will chuck, but what is worse is that my intestine spasms really intensely until I have pain where Mr Patel fixed up my hernia. It gives me the shivers and it also makes me scared that damage will occur. I find pushing down hard on the area when I cough helps.

I don’t do it often, but I am having a ‘poor old me’ day & feeling very sorry for myself.

I hit bed yesterday & slept all day long so of course my protein intake was pathetic.   Not a good thing when we need to heal.

This morning I have done better - fortified milk with weetbix and a handful of mixed nuts plus half a banana. I have chicken soup waiting for lunch. And yogurt.  I have no appetite at all.  Being ill is always a protein challenge with the DS.  Mid afternoon I will drink a fortified milk drink & eat a few blocks of cheese. For supper I have an easily digestable ready made fish pie waiting.  That should do it.

Illness with a DS is a challenge all round come to think of it - not just in trying to get in enough protein. My bowels always go jiggy on me. This means diahorrea without exception.  And quite often burny bum syndrome. Just to add to the discomfort. I deal with it by taking a little l-glutamine, acidophilus and increasing my calcium. Usually staves it off. And whoever invented aloe vera babywipes should be knighted!

I am a bit better today but far from optimal so I am going back to bed after a dose of Vit C & solvazinc, plus two day flu caps. My pills soar when I am not well too - it’s a big juggle to get everything in.

Being ill is something that frustrates me as I am forced into slow down mode. I’m in the middle of so many things - the bricks arrived for doing the paving around my birdbath but I just can’t see myself lugging them around just yet.  My bedroom needs a good freshen up, but I am too lethargic. I wanted to plant some flowers out in the garden, build a fountain, mow the lawn….mmmm, I don’t think so.

My worries amplify too. My mum is really not well and the care she recieves is frankly scary (ie not even basic). She’s been diagnosed with diverticulitis again ( no scan, no diagnostic - just a flippant statement that she has it again.) Four months after a hell ride to remove it and a sequence of surgeries. One might as well tell her to curl up and die, because the effect this has had on her is profound.    As it would be on anyone in her position. I think if it was me I would feel like just packing it all in tbh.  I am pretty angry about it.  She may have it - it might be entirely true, but surely it needs confirmation via an endoscopy or something???    Surely if she does have it she needs a plan of attack to stave off any possible complications???  Surely one must take what a patient has gone through and be cognisant of the effect of a diagnosis like this. It’s like telling her all she has been through is for nothing.

She has such discomfort from losing half her large bowel . It’s been MAJOR surgery and yet she is treated with barely any after care at all, made to feel like she’s wasting people’s time etc.   The ongoing diahorrea is affecting her quality of life and she’s pretty low, unsuprisingly. I sit for hours trying to find some path forward for her, studying the colon, trying to understand the large intestines functions and biology, researching what meds have been tried for people with her condition after a resected bowel op - but the thing is whether the docs will even prescribe the possibilities for her. If they won’t even fully ascertain what the heck it is - is it truly diverticulitis or is it IBS following resection, or is it something else - bowel overgrowth syndrome, how can we begin to find a path forwards????  Short of flying down to CT and seeing them myself I’m at a loss.  My mum is of that generation where people are non demanding and staunch with their pain and they don’t want to bother anyone.  Excuse me - but My butt!  But try telling that to her. Bless.

I’m down about it too. Feel helpless and feel the distance. It’s not right that we are such broken apart families and how I wish I lived around the corner so I could pop in to see how she really is. Take her some good food. Hug her and tell her we’ll find a way. My heart is as heavy as a rock right now.  Part of me says I should just chuck in the towel & take my risks on an uncertain violent future back in South Africa. But then I would be leaving my children here - and my heart would still be heavy…you see there is no way out of it.

Maybe it’s just the flu talking and I am just tired.  Anyway,  I’m not going to stop until she is more comfortable. There has to be a way & as her docs have not tried half of them yet I am going to hold the candle that one or a combo may yet work.

Ever the frigging optimist!

I’m off to my bed now. Hopefully this flu will pass soon.