Dances with DS

The bones have been haunting me for a long time now. I had 3 Dexa scans and each time a deterioration was being noted. I admit to panic. One hears real stories of how bones after WLS can crumble and I was left with little explanation as to the true condition of mine. Only that they were on the slippery slope, that I had ostephenia in my left hip.  Spine not looking good either.  That was it. How bad was it I wanted to know?  - but my GP could not guide me. I’m not knocking her - in her defense she has tried to help me.  She said she’d book a further scan. My heart sank.

I went home & thought it was pretty much over to me again to be the pro-active DS patient.  I scoured books & the web for answers and settled on several things to try to halt the story. First was to up my calcium intake as much as I could bear it. Excess calcium gives me the most intense and painful constipation and I’m too aware that this can trigger diverticulosis, a condition I nearly lost my mum to. Ask any bowel specialist just how damaging constipation is to the bowel. It’s something that we need to actively avoid.

I also have some concerns about what happens to one’s heart arteries with high doses of  calcium.   There’s no solid evidence that excess calcium will end up deposited in the arteries but there’s also no solid evidence that it doesn’t.  As my calcium lab had tested a bit on the low side I decided up it. Tentatively.  I increased my once a week dose ( this is the extra calcium on top of the Vita4Life I take) to 3 times a week.  I take 3500gms all in all on these days.  We know that Vit D acts as an aid to calcium absorption so I also upped my Vit D. 50 000iu’s once a week.  I then started to research Vit K 2  (plenty about it further back on this blog) and I decided this could also be of benefit to me on both the gut & bone score.  Factor 3-4 of those in a day as well.   Weightlifting is highly beneficial for bones so I bought some Tesco’s leg straps and added 2 kilo’s to my legs!  This was a bizarre feeling - I had difficulty lifting my feet. Only 2 kilo’s! I used to carry an excess of iro 55kilo’s on my body.  I staggered around the local field with the dogses, I felt a right moose all strapped up and staggering along !  At home I wore them when I remembered.

I had the current dexa under Mr Patel’s care and what a difference it makes to have a person who knows this stuff there to guide one!  It’s a lesson for me yet again of the importance of a good surgeon for us patients, instead of too much reliance on general doctors.  Now I don’t know yet if I have halted the process because we never had time to compare the old scans with the new. But I think I might have, or it might be that Scopinaro’s observations of a slowdown in bone loss after several years is taking effect.  I don’t know but it’s not half as dire as I expected. The new scan puts my spine bang on target for my age. The left hip has osteophenia (softening of the bone) but it is not that far off a normal read for a woman of my age. Infact it is probably normal for a person like myself that has an ancestry of severe osteoporosis in my genetics.

To say I am relieved is the understatement of the year. I feel like a terrible cloud of worry has lifted. I feel that if we DSers and (distal) RNYers  stay with savvy supplementation we can avoid extreme bone loss.  For a while there I felt as if on some huge bone constructed rollercoaster, as if I had no control as it raced towards it’s destiny.

Now I think I can control this to a degree. I’m not saying I won’t perhaps still see osteoporosis, but I am pretty convinced I can stave it off for some years to come.

The supplementation thing with a DS is very individual.  Getting bone scans & labs is paramount. Recently I know of a DSer with Vit A poisoning who takes Vita4 Life.  In another patient it is possible (not yet confirmed) there is an excess of iron. Recent scans showed a sludge in her upper abdomen. I take Vita4Life and at times I have to supplement further iron due to low levels. Same with my zinc.  High Vitamin B12 is a bugbear with Vita4Life too. There is no panacea supplement.  Vita4Life is a good starter kit in my opinion, it instills the habit of taking the vits daily, it is simple to take as the formula is there covering most needs.  It can reverse severe malnutrition syndromes well. It has it’s uses. It has it’s drawbacks.  However after 2 years or so as our bodies reach their own unique balances, we may need to attune to these and work out a plan that is suitable for it. There are many variables.

Any new DSer or pre-Dser should be aware of these matters.  I have spoken to many a patient in tears because what they were taking was either excessive or inadequate. I hear the fear. Even with labs we often still shoot in the dark.   Even the best surgeons can only present us with our labs and suggest where we increase or decrease intake and monitor us. Our WLS surgery surgeons are amazing in that they commit to help us longerterm in these respects.  But we honestly cannot expect them to help us with the emotional side and the taking of the vitamins & minerals…these things are over to us.

This sounds simple enough but it ain’t. For example as I said increasing my calcium gives me extremely painful constipation, it’s not unlike delivering a baby! Increasing fats does not improve it, increasing fluids and fibre also does not. And no one ever told me that ongoing constipation is the major role player in diverticulosis. Which by the way is also an hugely underplayed condition.   I do shudder each time I read of a WLS patient with dire constipation. It’s not harmless in the long run.

It can be a very scary alone place to be. Not all surgeons will discuss the labs thoroughly and some patients don’t get frequent monitoring. WLS patients can be fraught with anxiety and very upset. They might get advice they see as flippant. ‘Eat more protein’  yeah right…but I am vomiting each time I do. ‘Increase your calcium’ - yeah right do you know what it feels like to crap a stool the size of a small rock! ‘Just eat more’ - yup, but my restriction kills me when I do!  ‘Add xyz to your routine’ - gee thanks do you know I am currently taking 15 supplements a day! Do you even care! ‘….

Also, there is  often a resurfacing of depression during these times. What is potentially correctable feels hugely impossible. Patients begin by chatting with me about the excess or deficiency and the next thing they are telling me of all the other problems they are having - the stresses in their lives, the expectations they had that are dashed, the trauma they had as a small child…dealing with a supplementation crises can flip open many things making one feel one is frankly, going nuts.  I’m always gutted when this happens because I am not a medical pro. I can only be there in a space of listening and understanding. But some people need additional support - much more than my shoulder and ear on the phone. They need anti depressants. They need one on one counselling that comes out of genuine knowing.

There are other issues as well, like sourcing appropriate substitutes and an NHS system that can’t provide all our needs any more. Again - one could read this and think ’so what’s the big fuss about’.  ‘Big deal.’  Ahhhh, but it is a big deal.  It’s stressful financially and in terms of knowledge and time sometimes.   I understand the anxiety and the fear, but most people who don’t face this sort of thing simply don’t know how it feels to be floundering about in the dark.

We are alone here in many ways. I doubt patients with severe bone loss even know about things like Vit K2.  I’ve always felt the clotting factor tests for K1 (which converts to K2) are  inadequate. That one’s bones might deteriorate despite what looks like good calcium labs, is something I found out by myself. We know in the main, zip about the possibility of damage from excess iron or calcium in our bodies.

In many ways, we are ‘experimentus’  my friends.

However, despite all the above, I think we can work with the supplements in a smart way. They need not become a source of anxiety for us. Part of it is accepting that it is probably not going to be all hunky dory in lab world at times. It’s not easy if you are like me. I started out my DS journey determined that my labs would be perfecto every time. I was going to be the mother of DS perfection & since I have become a mumbling wreck of fears several times since those early days of high expectations,  I chuckle about that now!   The body jiggles itself…I saw this on a daily basis when my labs were done everyday during my bowel obstruction. An idea of perfection is often far removed from the reality. We can control some things but there are times we need to listen to our bodies with empathy…

A super high lab does not mean death is imminent. It does mean one might feel awful but it’s not unsolvable.  Same goes for very low labs. Sometimes one has to work around things and instead of drastically increasing a certain mineral, consider increasing the key players regarding absorption of the mineral. Cautiously and with only a slightly raised dose unless your surgeon advises otherwise.  Overkill is never a good idea. In the case of calcium, key players are Vit D, magnesium and possibly Vit K2. In the case of iron we are looking at Vit C at the same time. In the case of selenium - the other player is Vit E. It works the other way around if we need to decrease something.  At all times the diet should be tailored around issues. For example with an iron overload, avoid foods high in iron & vit C such as organ meats and oranges.   Increases and decreases should be flexible. On and off. As required & in conjucnction with labs.  It might be better to opt for a one off high dose of something occasionally than a constant chipping away at the problem on a daily basis. Or it might be better to go a little slower.

If there is a decrease or an increase - look further than just the DS or the supplementation.  There may be a warning inherent that there is another problem…other conditions can impact absorption. Chrohns & IBS can impact  absorption for example. Hemochromatosis can mean excessive iron build up. A liver that is struggling can impact. Small bowel overgrowth can disrupt things hugely…can potentially even cause the liver to struggle.    Genetics can play a role as in my case with the bones. You may be taking other medications that are affecting your supplementation, so research medicine interactions.  If something is not resolving - look further.

Consider your body in an holistic way. Be cognisant of your overall diet.  If the liver is in bad shape, help it at the same time.   Sort out a bug infested gut.  Look at complimentary therapy.  Some of it might well be placebo, but placebo has it’s place. Consider tissue salts. Consider de-stressing tactics such as massage, or increasing the amount one walks. Investigate your state of mind. It’s incredibly real how ones state of mind affects the body.  Don’t fob off your feelings. You might actually need a damn good cry.  Or you may need to voice your frustration or anger or fear.  It may be time for therapy or anti depressants.

Look further. Excessive tobacco use or use of alcohol will & does rubbish our systems. These are hard ones. Many patients experiencing vitamin & mineral and eating and digestive problems don’t seem to want to be cognisant of the fact that they can supplement all they want, but things may stay the same until they address their addictions.  Often they don’t disclose the problem either. On the surface they have tried everything, but nothing is working…

There is no shame in the above. We are human beings and we all have our challenges to deal with be that addictions or emotional probs or physical anomalies.  None of us is perfect and it is these struggles we have that shape our deep humanity as individuals. If we were meant to be godlike perfection that’s what we’d be - but we are not. We are human beings and it is the depth of our humanity created by our struggles in life that is the most important thing. Throw out the ‘failure’ stuff. Throw it out and stamp on it and spit on it for every person and event that lead you to think you were somehow ‘lesser’ because you were and are not perfect.  Instead, embrace your own being, no matter the imperfections and the challenges and be compassionate with yourself.  It’s only in this that we can sometimes truly move towards our own healing. And some peace in our hearts.  And this peace and compassion is what actually turns things around not just for us but for those around us too.

There is no exact science. Healing & balancing a body with supplementation is an art as much  as it is science.  As one researches and works with it, it does become less daunting.  The odd raised or low labs will be more probable than not.  It doesn’t always mean that a patient is not taking the vits. Even those who are diligent & compliant can have ups and downs in this dept.   It’s rare that things become dire. Most problems can be ironed out and will be.

Again if it is at all possible, ensure you see a surgeon who can monitor you carefully. Medical guidance is important and we shouldn’t attempt to sort out supplementation without it. Work pro actively,  but ensure that you get close monitoring and that you discuss any ideas you want to implement with your surgeon first & foremost.

After that we do what we can. Keep our appointments with our surgeon. Monitor our labs. Take the basics. Add in or omit where required.  Look at the BIGGER picture of our lives and our bodies.Try to relax.

If the tide turns on you regarding your health , if the storms arrive and it all looks grim….don’t be alone. Contact your surgeon as a top priority and get labs. Then call an old DS or WLS buddy you trust for a chat - two heads can be way better than one. Use support systems.   And remember, most situations are resolvable. 

Last week,  my little mouse Smiler died. I was so sad because she was a special creature. I know a lot of people don’t like mice but if they’d met Smiler they’d think differently. Firstly she was a tidy clean mouse, always making beautiful little nests in her sleeping area. Secondly despite cruel treatment from the humans who had her before me (she lived in a crammed tupperware as snake food)she never held that against them. Anyone could call her name and she’d get up out of her nest and come to the bars for a little ear tickle.  She was a little beauty with delicate little hands and feet. I loved that mouse, she won me over from day one.  So I was sad to say goodbye. Her death was not peaceful. We made her little hot water bottles and dropped water onto her mouth hoping her end would come peacefully in the night. It never did. By 3pm the next afternoon my little girlie mouse was bent double in pain. I could leave nature alone no more, so we went to the vet and had her put down.

As small as she was, she will be missed.

It was beautiful weather this weekend - sunny and clear which cheered me up.  I think I got some Vit D.  Saturday was a mooch about lazy tinkering kind of day.

Sunday the car booty was calling my name so off I went. I think I am always lucky at car boots or does everyone who likes them feel that way?

Funny how some days I find old embroideries -  other days funky kitchen ware, other days clothes. Seems to be like that for me. Anyway it was  a box day. I bought a nifty sewing box ( even though I can’t sew to save my life, I just puncture my fingers ).  An antique kasmiri box from one of my fav sellers - I swear he puts out stuff he knows I won’t be able to resist - lol.  An antique Japanese table cabinet, antique persian inlayed box, 2 chinese laquer boxes. A turn of the century brass Islamic box full of wonderful calligraphic script.  See what I mean!  I have boxes for Africa now.   Total bargain buy was two old Kohl holders - bronze, antique, beautiful. Islamic in origin - £1.50 the pair.  I felt almost guilty buying them for that.

Pete & I enjoyed a late Sunday pub lunch which was a thank you to us from our eldest sons girlfriend for putting her up over her Uni hols.  We all had a great lunch with me eating a hunk of gammon with mash, sauce & peas.   Why does other food always taste sooo much better than my own!

Today I have been working like a madwomen to try to get my big bird bath up and going while the British weather holds. If you read my blog you’ll know I started this project an age ago.

I’m a far cry from the glam dolly I thought I would be after my WLS. Another expectation bites the dust!  I’m knackered and covered in cement dust as I write this. My fingernails are nibbled and broken.   My back aches & my poor old gut and arm muscles are flagging. I look and feel like a wreck!!!  Making concrete is BIG work. My advice - don’t go there. Hire a mixer & hire a company!

I’m not sure I have mixed the correct ratio of cement/gravel/sand. My math is crap. In the end I went for an intuitive mix and this might fail me yet. If this pond cracks when the frost hits it I shall not be too happy.  But while the feeling of accomplishing something lasts, I’m enjoying it!

Because I am given to a few airy fairy moments I think the garden birds came to bless it. Yesterday a robin came and perched on the Buddha statues head. It was so wonderful, a magic moment without the cadbury’s!  It stayed quite a long time less than a few feet from me watching the process intently.It flew off and within seconds a blackbird fluttered in the nearby tree. Then two portly wood pigeons had a little trot on the edge of the half made bath.  Made my day!

If I say so myself it’s a nice job. It’ll have to cure before I can fill it and I hope the birds will all use it. I think of it as Smilers bath - a place for small creatures to replenish themselves. And before you think I am a complete nutter , remember that God sees even a tiny sparrow that falls! I’ll float a candle for her memory when it is full.

Randomly and just a sudden happy moment  - I am so pleased for this body. A body that can create things and sustain a day of hard graft. How lucky am I?

Yes, there will be challenges with this WLS - I’m sure of it. On & off as long as I live. I signed up for that when I had it.

I expect it (but still unrealistically hope not to have any! That’s human nature.

But sometimes I see myself as if out of my body. I see this active, slim person functioning and I remember the days in the prison of stifling fat spent on my sofa.   Oh sad days lost.  I can’t dwell there too long without sorrow for that body that was and every other body that is there.

I am released. I’m still going strong in year 7. There is much to be grateful for. So on that good note I will go and pour myself a little treat - a rare glass of amazing pomegranate  dessert wine from Israel.

Then a hot bath to rid myself of cement dust. Make that a bubble bath. Then a hot chocolate drink and maybe a biccy or two.

Then bed!

Read the question - does God approve of WLS?  at WLSinfo.   Made me think.

I  once regularly asked  God why I had been cursed with a runaway weight problem. I never got the answer. Was it to teach me a lesson of some kind?  Was it to light the wick of suffering so that eventually I could have the light of understanding ?  Was it to make me a better person ultimately?

I don’t know. One can spend a lot of time in life analysing the maybe’s and anything can be justified if one wants it badly enough.

When I had my weight loss surgery,  I did not worry about God’s approval. Perhaps this is because the God I know doesn’t have a moral setup based on religion.  I just wanted to LIVE!  As God & Life are deeply interconnected for me I saw no probs with it.

One can only do what is humanly possible.

And anyway,  I live my life on the bridge of unknowing. For me, God remains a profound celebratory mystery.

The more  my brain shuts down with it’s endless convolutions regarding spiritual matters, the more my heart rules my spiritual life. The language of the heart does not generally bother with words and questions. It’s a different space. A space where one is clueless but peaceful.

Philosophical ponderings aside, it’s been a lovely weekend.  Went to the WLS Surrey support group to meet up with a bunch of superb people and chat. Always feel at home there.  Melissa had baked some delicious cakes for one of our members birthdays and I ate 2 slices of cake plus a cupcake!  Much better than my ones - the coconut cake was to die for. I think I need the recipe so I can eat this instead of Betty crock ups.

I always think because I am so far out I might not be able to reach back to how it was for me pre op.  But then I speak with the people starting out & it all comes back…the nervousness/excitement, the thousand questions, the roller coaster. It’s great too to see how WLS can help people so much. I’m also reminded that there are many challenges both pre -op & post op…this is why support groups are vital imo.  Here we can tell it like it is and know that others will understand.

I had a lovely time. 

On Sunday I woke up and there was a blue sky to look at outside. I ate 3 scrambled eggs and a homegrown apple, drank two cups of tea in a straight row and headed off to the local car booty for a good walk-a-bout.   It was packed. I think several weeks of foul weather had primed the sellers and the vibe and stock was good.

I think I need to build a new house soon to house my ever growing collections of booty found treasures.  My place is getting cramped! 

I found plenty of small bits of orientalia - a small scrolled stand, a daddy, mummy and baby chinese elephant set, turn of the century and awesomely carved, an old Thai lacquer box, Kasmiri tray luminous with rich colours, vizagapatam inlaid box, old carved statue of a voluptuous  Parvati. A foo dog brass lock. A very beautiful old massive chinese ceramic piece full of the glories of peony and sky dragon that once housed a collection of walking sticks.   I bought a dress because I thought it would fit and when I got home discovered it was a size 16!!! Will I never learn that I am a size 8/10!   Also found a delicate Victorian micro mosaic frame from Italy.

I always dream one day I will find the big one. The old dusty painting worth millions!

It’s part of the fun but I don’t reallly care if I never do either!  I enjoy most of all the human contact.  Sometimes it is so sad though. I met a lovely lady in her 70’s who had to sell her belongings as she was moving from her home to a flat.  I so felt for her - this is hard stuff. And people had tried to push her prices down to nothing to add insult to injury, poor dear was almost in tears. I tried to brighten her up a little and hope I succeeded.  I thought to myself - perhaps this is me in the future. Alone, selling what I can to move to a honed down life.  As my mum always says: old age is not for sissy’s.

I do think of old age. My first thought is always a wondering whether my DS will take me to that time ahead in the future. Provided Mr Patel & the Prof stay around I don’t see why not!  But I think I am unrealistic about it.  I focus on the good parts of it - grandchildren, gentle days pottering about instead of this mad haze of survival I sometimes think we in the middle ages get as we try to prepare for better times ahead and see our kids off into the world.  Kind of brought it home to me today that it’s not going to be all sunshine, mellow days and roses!  But then - since when is life that anyway!

Soooo, all in all a gorgeous weekend. Then  I came home and realised the chaos here needs sorting. There are piles of ironing again, the dishwasher needs packing, the entrance hall resembles a second hand shoe shop…I thought - ah well, tomorrow is another day!

Now tomorrow  is here!   Already!

I’ve done a chunk of housework & just had a very quick but nice lunch.  Tesco’s  has a new ‘Tuna & mixed bean salad’ out.  Perfect for me as it is around 25 gms of protein from both fish & veggie sources, tastes very good and is just about the right portion for me if I add a slice of toast to it ( or eat a yogurt afterwards). The complex carbs are beans mostly but there was a bit of carrot plus corn kernels as well. The dressing was not too vinegary.    Think a hardboiled egg chopped or grated cheese over it might make it even more satisfying, but if you need a fast healthy bite to eat - this is perfect! A nice ‘out the can’ option for those who need work lunches as well.  

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/killer_carbs_appetite_control_cells_deteriorate_as_we_age_says_study

Stumbled across the above link late last night & thought I’d post it here.

I don’t think there  is a WLS patient out there who does not know the direct effect of carbs on weight increases & maintenance.  I always felt it was more than just the insulin effect and something had changed in my head post DS. Maybe it was the DS per se or maybe it was just that there was no space for simple carbs. It took around a few months post DS for me to realise I had a satiety factor back & it was one of the highlights of my life!  Hugely life changing - words can’t express it & how I felt the first time my body actually said - ‘enough, you are full!’ on a head level.  (Not talking mechanical restriction here!).  So this research is the kind of stuff I find very interesting. It makes sense to me…though as usual I would hedge my bets it’s just one more piece of the obesity puzzle.  Still one day - one piece might just fill in the missing blank.

Of course I would find this the very night I am trying to psyche myself up for a cupcake carb fest.    Deep joy.

Dithering now about meeting the devil today after all!  Maybe starchy Fu-fu can do it for me instead?

That aside - I’m thinking maybe what gives the DS some extra edge on other WLS ( talking longerterm stats here) is that we get the protein rap early on & we know simple carbs are only for the wee spot of space if there is any after protein intake,  at the end of a meal.

It is a lot better now with RNYers too - when I started out the RNY surgery was advised as a better option for those that like carb foods and don’t like to eat too much protein!  I thought then based on some research I had done when looking into it as an option that would change & to some degree it has over the years. Think it was around the time people realised that 60grams of protein a day was a good ballpark for the RNY.  But sometimes I still worry some of my RNY peers are still tokin’ back too much of the devils food to sustain longerterm results and a good community average weightloss longerterm. Just me, but if I was RNY I’d be eating DS style without a doubt…or at least be putting the leaner green variety of complex carbs into my diet bigtime.

Not that all DSers are exempt from carb demons either mind you. Including myself in my first two/three years.  I know how addictive the dayum things can be firsthand - surgery or not.  I console myself that newer  DSers might go through phases of testing the limits and end up in the later years a bit like me - with not much care for simple carbs left. I still can’t explain how my lack lustre for simple carbs evolved really. I just lost the need for them.  I think this happened when I began to crank up my veggie intake because I felt even 5 a day standard intake was not enough for a DSer.

Maybe I am just looking at things through my own personal looking glass. I know I can’t talk for everyone because our mileages all differ. But maybe, just maybe if I talk about complex carbs enough a newbie reader might see the sense in shifting to complex carbs as soon as they viably can with their WLS.

I am seeing this happen with some of our new generation DSers. A more enlightened view towards introducing complex carbs and an interest in researching them & trying out the ole veggies.  It really makes me feel great,  because I know if they can get this right early on while the momentum and hope to do right by their surgeries is high - they can go longerterm very successfully with their DS both in terms of general health matter & their DS, godswilling.

It’s an odd thing borne of great empathy and the fact that I just want all of us WLSers to never have to look back again,  but I despair when I read of a WLS patient in despair but unable or unwilling to shift themselves through the carb mire.

But I know  (even if I don’t know how) that if you as a wls patient want to remain a good stable weight longerterm with your surgery serving you well, dropping the simple carbs is just a basic must.  The long and short of it is there is no other way.

If someone told me this in year two when I was imbibing simple carbs freely and with enjoyment I don’t think I would have heard the call - too brutal! It is a harsh reality.   But as I said, that is the fact plain & simple.

If you are happy at a higher BMI cos you like your simple carbs that’s fine too. But if you are feeling desperate now and afraid and you know the lack of loss or regain is not because your surgery is compensating in some way …there is a way forward.  It probably  won’t be sunshine & roses at first. Replacement therapy always takes a while and there might be some relapse days.

The how to is not impossible. Try to step up the complex carbs. Read the above article & you’ll understand this is important stuff on multiple levels. It’s potential impact on us is bigger than we might think. Try. Really try.  It takes the need for simple carbs away quite significantly. But it requires persistence & patience - one token day on 8 portions of complex carbs is not going to do it. But developing a love affair with the veggies will. Action is important but attitude matters - a lot. It is what will help one carry things through.

What I wish is that from the pre op days WLS pre ops got as much a talking about complex carb intake (and the judicious use of them! ) as they did about protein and supps,  even if it may take anywhere from 1 year to 3 years to gain the space to eat them abundantly.

The above study kind of puts their importance into perspective more.

We can go for the crappola and destroy our satiation mechanisms, or we go for the complex carbs that are chock full of anti-oxidants and interactions we don’t even know about yet (so it’s impossible to replicate this in a vitamin supp)…and keep our DSes/RNY’s/Bands/Brains/Guts nice and sharp longterm.

I was pondering the use too of a few extra antioxidant minerals & vitamins - but so many of them abound it would be hard to start somewhere particularly if as a DSer one is taking a mound of ye vits anyway.  However - if one is simple carb fixated - this might be worth a further thought or two. At least to try to compensate any damage.

I now feel like a charleton having expounded the complex carbs virtues only to go and bake devils food.    Think I will eat my Betty Crock-ups today with carrots as the topping.

Or maybe I will adorn the center with a whopping great multivit in place of a smartie.    

I’m just back from a trip to Kings College to get the dreaded bone scan.  I am dreading them lately. Even though I know I am so very lucky that my bones are being properly monitored by an astute surgeon.  I feel guilty that I dread it but not ungrateful (if you know what I mean)- the dreading thingie is because my imagination is a bit on the wild side.

I am trying to think positive because the calcium intake is there along with the Vit K2, but I still imagine my bones are turning to dust.

It’s a fear thing & I know I must stop it now.  Easier said than done.

A while ago, I watched my Aunt struggle to get up off the sofa,  her back bent like a bow. God, it made me want to cry for her even though I hardly know her. I went home and slugged back 3000mgs of calcium plus lifted some heavy shopping bags in the car (weightlifting on & off ). I was bricking it. The odds are against me - Genes are strong for crumbly bones, menopause lurks like a phantom dog at my backbone, bypass surgery is a good kickin’ trigger for osteoporosis too.

Little things set me off.  In the waiting room I read of some crazy figure relating to hip fracture deaths. It looked like train smash stuff.

That’s where I am exhibiting the most bone loss, on the hips.

Then I went into a blank funk and started the ‘I don’t wanna die’ headstuff. I had to get a grip for a moment there incase I started thrashing & wailing hysterically in the waiting room upsetting everyone. I swear the menopause is starting to bludgeon me already.

But still,  I’m not going to let holey bones distress me longerterm. I have started wearing leg weights for the bones. 2 kilo’s worth. I had to laugh as I could barely walk straight with them on. Crikey!  How did I carry an excess 66.5 kilo’s on my body all those years?  2 kilo’s had me swaggering around in a misplaced fashion!

I’m going to take a bit more potassium as well. Just a little mind you as this one can have side effects. I need some mineral that’s for sure as last night I had the breaking leg cramp from hell.

But now I am being all decrepit, so enough of that!

I weighed in at 53.7 kilos - 8 stone something. I was not too pleased as in two weeks I have lost a few pounds again. It’s gotto stop!  Soon. 53 kgs range is starting to play silly buggers now.

I know it is due to my chronic need to be on the move all day long. I seldom sit down or sit still. My hyperactivity syndrome is astounding. Even to me. You will find me cleaning my ceilings on ladders, gardening and digging holes and lugging stones around. I run to the local shops. I walk everyday.  I’m burning more than I can eat. Even with my ‘big’ eat days.  So the new thought is dessert after every meal PLUS big eat days. It’s getting too close to the seriously skinny mark for my comfort now. You’d think I should just shut up now, but nope I am going to have a moany. Why?  Because I no longer much like dessert.

I dunno. It is very odd. Sometimes, like I often say - a choc pud can make me want to eat it in the car before I get home. But it has to be spontaneous. Impulsive. I like dessert this way & that’s usually how I eat it when I do nowadays.  But if it is ‘ I have too…’ I’m kind of not interested.  Must be reverse psychology or something.    I shall live forever in these convoluted connudrums I think.

In a thousand years if someone told me 4 years ago - that I would NEED to eat dessert I would have been very pleased and done the happy dance. Now - I’m like a petulant picky  child about it - go on hit me!         Truth is I could clout my own ear.  But since when is dessert medicinal?

It was a bit of a food orientated day.  On the way home from Kings Hospital  we  drove past a veg stall and I spotted huge stalks of sugar cane stacked against the wall.  I was so excited, like a child again. I have memories of chewing cane as a child in Africa - good stuff.  I bought a humungous stalk. I will be chewing long & hard that’s for sure!

The chap in the shop was a dear kind man. He had a huge grey stripey cat - a beautiful creature which took a shining to me as I did to him. As I left the shop owner gave me a tiny little banana to taste. It looked like it was made for the faerie people. Just right for my appetite too.  He said it came from Ghana and was known as an ‘apple banana’.  He said as bananas go this is banana heaven. He was right!  It was so delicious. Sweet and soft and full of African sun.  I have never tasted any banana  as good as this - it was so good I wished I lived in london (just for a seccy).  I bought a huge bunch of them there & then.  Oh happiness! 

We stopped at Tesco’s too en route home. My appetite was heading for a slow braised lamb stew with celery, leeks, potato’s, rosemary, garlic, onions, a dash of sundried tomato & red wine, for dinner. Yummmmmm tasty!  Now that is my DS speaking here - it has deeply altered my tastes over the years I have had it. It has irrevocably changed how I choose my food. All DS patients should get a warning before they sign up for the surgery that it might turn the mind into a meatball or a lamb stew after 4 years or so.  I was musing this in Tesco’s, sad git that I am.  I felt my mouth starting to drool and my DS jumping around getting all hyped for braised lamb stew. I bought all the stuff to knock up the stew later on.

Browsing the shelves I spotted something called Fu Fu flour - it’s yam again. A powdered variety.  I don’t know why yam is calling my name, but sometimes you don’t turn the blind eye. If something calls your name might just be you need something in it.  Fu-fu comes in a box with instructions on how to make it and it said it was good with soups & stews. Will be trying Fu-fu tonight then.

So that is what I WANT to eat.  But needs must. I medicinally and reluctantly  bought:  1 packet of Devils Food Cake by Betty Crocker.  Very appropriate name for a chocolate cake imo.

A tin of choc fudge frosting.  To really go completely sugary and over the top I bought a tin of caramelised condensed milk too. Figure I will put a blob of it on each cupcake.

Tomorrow  the Devil, Betty Crocker  & I will meet over a cupcake or two laden with caramel for extra cals…(and a touch of sweet protein! ).

And if I get wind tomorrow night I am taking Betty Crocker to task personally!