Dances with DS

but I love an honest animated debate! Bring it on.

It’s one thing I really miss sometimes. Frankly, I don’t give a tootie about what a person chooses to get. If they are informed and band or RNY is for them, more power to their elbow. I only care about them knowing as much as possible BEFORE they choose. Why?

Because I believe every patient should have the right to choose their option. In my book it sits up there in line with human rights recommendations. Here in the UK it is not that simple, sometimes there is no option. But it’s getting better. Slowly.

I feel sad for lovely people who tell me ‘if ONLY I had known about the DS….’ and I can’t tell you how often I have heard that over the past 5 years. And read it on forums. When I do, I have to say my first impulse is Whooooaaa, don’t you know you will be treated like a pariah and traitor of your own surgery???? Careful! At the same time I think how brave these people are to openly, honestly voice their feelings. The link below had me locked in my usual response…
So if it ever looks like I push for the DS please bear in mind that that never was or is my intention. I just want people to know it is there. From there I encourage them to research it like anything. It has it’s own challenges. After that they know. And then I will support them in their choice any which way. Bottom line: I only wish none of us needed surgery in the first place, but here we are. We are fighting the same demon. How much more difficult if not only are coping with our surgeries, but coping with regret on top of that?
Reading back on the whole hypoglyceamia thing I have had in my head and my blog …I shake my head at myself.  Will DSers will have this to the same degree?  It’s unlikely to be as widescale and intense as the RNYers experiences.  However they might, I don’t think at this point anyone can say we will be exempt from this risk. I do hear of the odd DSer describing a mysterious ‘dumping syndrome’ though mostly early post op…so perhaps this is in fact hypoglycemia ,  time will tell. So why don’t I just leave it and deal with it if it does become a major player all round. Because I do care. About the lot of us. DS & RNY. So I will give it my effort. And anyone who get’s it, my support.

Yup, there will be heated defensive debate, there will be ‘idea’s’ about the DS that are laughable based on something random someone read. Same goes for the other surgeries.

I’m past arguing.I’m past justifying. The myths are many - wade through them if you wish. My attitude is go read the data. Yup it is limited but it’s limited with regard to every surgery and it’s all we have. Go look at the mechanics of the DS surgery. Know the known risks. But know the benefits too. There are many. If I sound lofty which I try to avoid to the point of being a pussy footer sometimes , I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt anyone in any way. Don’t get pissed with me because I point out something that is founded in past & current research or that it has anatomical significance.

Nuff said.

http://meltingmama.typepad.com/wls/2007/11/i-am-thinking-w.html

At the bottom of this page are two more links I found about   Hyperinsulinemic  Hypoglycemia.   Mercifully both seem to support my own personal hypothesizings and meanderings.  I say mercifully because firstly, there is some confirmation that it’s rare for now.  Phew!  Thank the gods for that.
Secondly…I had been thinking about if we could control this by our diets…seems it might be possible.

Further thoughts I had:

Might it be might be possible to avert (not only control it, if it does happen) any risks of this developing, via diet - by specifically limiting carbs as a pre-emptive action?  Another reason to study simple carbs &  stop eating any high GI type carbs in anything other than extreme moderation.

Is a chromium or another deficiency potentially linked to this?  Just a wild gandering thought from the inner deficiency control police!    I will try to look into it more.

Thirdly,  on a personal level, for more reason that just this (as yet not found any DS related abstracts about it though I’m not saying that maybe it can’t be a problem for us…but based on it seeming related to dumping chances seem low)   - I’m quitting the effort to eat simple carbs in order to gain weight.  I’m going to just wait this one out and if I hit a lower weight I’ll take other action.  There is a limit even to my pre-emptive actions .

I enjoyed eating today. Scrambled eggs for Brekkie with bacon. Giant haricot  beens in  greek sauce  with melted cheese &  lovely low carb Burgens bread for lunch.   A  crispy sweet apple.  A pot of yogurt on half a mashed banana & honey.   Roast  Chicken leg and thigh with mushrooms, carrots, onions and green beans.  What a relief to be back on my fav foods again! 

A small thing I noticed is that I felt much more satiated without the added simple carbs.

Here are the abstracts for those interested:

http://www.dlife.com/dLife/do/ShowContent/diabetes_news/news_archive_october_2005/diabetes_newsarticle101205_low_blood_glucose_levels_may_complicate_gastric_bypass_surgery.html

http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/klu/os/2007/00000017/00000005/00009102

Decided to research more. After I wrote yesterdays post I remembered reading that Gastric bypass supposedly improves insulin resistance. (Slaps head!)…so I went back and looked at some of the medical abstracts about it.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/68995.php

The above link is a shorter term study as patients were 6 months post op.

http://www.diabeteshealth.com/read/2007/05/19/5201.html

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=47582

However, it seems my hypothesis is not too way off the mark and there may be something in it. Still, I think there is no reason to panic unduly. After all this might only be a condition that happens to a few patients out there in what is a considerably big picture. Hundreds of thousands may be absolutely fine and continue to be so. Diabetes may well continue to enjoy remission because of RNY & DS surgeries.
WlS has it’s risks some of which are very rare. There may be predisposed conditions other than Gastric Bypass that is causing this in these few patients.

As WLS patients we all know that in any of these surgeries we have peers suffering difficulties. Risks go with the territory and we have to weigh them up BEFORE surgery if we can. Not always an easy task.

Even so , there may be new developments in the world of risks waiting for us. By no means is the learning curve over. As I have always said, in some ways I am DS-experimentus.

I’m interested to know if any such reports are being published about DS patients yet as well.
Most changes and insights we have in this world originate initially out of a few initial experiences. Just because it seems to be only a few, doesn’t mean it is unimportant.
We don’t even understand obesity fully yet. We are getting there in leaps and bounds but if we don’t yet know the full picture how much less when it comes to WLS? Maybe we should consider insulin resistance syndromes much more. We know they exist, but what causes them? At what stage of obesity do they manifest the most?
Is it possible that eventually some Gastric Bypass patients might end up in a similar situation all over again?
Better the devil we know of the possibility than not. My hope is it is just happening to a very few people and never develops into anything more serious than just knowing of the risk. However, if we suspect we are at risk, by understanding basic symptoms, we can seek medical help early on. There may be a way to screen people that might be pre-disposed to developing this condition.

There may be something patients can do to avert problems by managing our surgeries to minimise a risk, particularly if we understand the causes.
The data below has been gathered off 6 patients. It’s a microcosm study. However, it’s not so microcosm if it becomes ones own reality. The problem is once the damage is done, it’s pretty much done.

The personal implications are huge. Read one brave ladies story about finding herself living with severe hypoglycaemia post gastric bypass surgery below on the very last last link I included.Her blog is called ‘Melting Mama’.
.
Severe hypoglycaemia post-gastric bypass requiring partial pancreatectomy: evidence for inappropriate insulin secretion and pancreatic islet hyperplasia. Patti ME, McMahon G, Mun EC, Bitton A, Holst JJ, Goldsmith J, Hanto DW, Callery M, Arky R, Nose V, Bonner-Weir S, Goldfine AB.

Research Division, Joslin Diabetes Center, Boston, MA 02215, USA. mary.elizabeth.patti@joslin.harvard.edu

AIMS/HYPOTHESIS: Postprandial hypoglycaemia following gastric bypass for obesity is considered a late manifestation of the dumping syndrome and can usually be managed with dietary modification. We investigated three patients with severe postprandial hypoglycaemia and hyperinsulinaemia unresponsive to diet, octreotide and diazoxide with the aim of elucidating the pathological mechanisms involved. METHODS: Glucose, insulin, and C-peptide were measured in the fasting and postprandial state, and insulin secretion was assessed following selective intra-arterial calcium injection. Pancreas histopathology was assessed in all three patients.

RESULTS: All three patients had evidence of severe postprandial hyperinsulinaemia and hypoglycaemia. In one patient, reversal of gastric bypass was ineffective in reversing hypoglycaemia. All three patients ultimately required partial pancreatectomy for control of neuroglycopenia; pancreas pathology of all patients revealed diffuse islet hyperplasia and expansion of beta cell mass.

CONCLUSIONS/INTERPRETATION: These findings suggest that gastric bypass-induced weight loss may unmask an underlying beta cell defect or contribute to pathological islet hyperplasia, perhaps via glucagon-like peptide 1-mediated pathways.

More about it:

http://www.newstarget.com/010200.html

Melting Mama’s blog:

http://meltingmama.typepad.com/wls/2008/01/wls-owning-me-a.html

I don’t know why I persist with the carbs. Everytime I stand on the 55 kg mark I get inadvertantly carb orientated. Must be subliminal fear I will fall right off the 55kgs into lower figures. Coupled with a little internal pressure about seeing Mr P next week and that humungous scale he has there..

I don’t get myself sometimes. I am okay with being 55kgs…I really am. It’s the thought of 54 kilo’s that for some reason gets me, even though it has not even happened yet except during my recovery from the obstruction. But I keep thinking it will. Maybe I need to learn to not be so pre emptive. Maybe it will never happen and I will have been reading myself the carb act for nothing.

I don’t panic anymore standing there on the old scales in my birthday suit. I just calmly get the word C A R B S! written acoss my forehead - like some smart advert where hidden messages are subtly implanted into our brains so we buy more. Sometimes the word ’sugar’ follows like a little echo. I know these two food types will be absorbed by me with any luck. Even if mysteriously this is a very hit and miss process. (Sometimes I gain a little weight on them, other times I gain only complaining bowels and not a jot of weight.) But never mind my steady belief is it must be that if I am not gaining I need to increase and persist more. I’m dogged if nothing else. True ADD style I am darned good at hyper fixating.

So I start carb overhauling. The days threshhold is long gone. Never mind needs must so I insert the little boogers into my daily life. I try for small quantities so that I hope I don’t notice too much. I eat them as fast as possible, so I hope I don’t notice how many I have swallowed. I am a conflicted soul when it comes to carbs. So are my bowels. They are fine to a point. I know that point well. I know just how much carb I tolerate. However I ignore that entirely. I go into boss mode with my DS body. I AM THE BOSS DON’T MUCK WITH ME!

Typically it does not give a hoot. I eat the beyond-threshold biscuit and wait nervously. First sign - a gastric bubble that moves alarmingly around my intestines inflating them to near hernia size in well located area’s. It goes on for around 30 mins or so hovering near the elastic of my trousers for serious irritant value. I loosen my trousers. I eat half a cheese sandwich, white bread. The bread tastes shite and I remember why I avoid it. Next comes the odd shooshing gutteral popping sounds. … the bubble travels around the dark damp space which used to be my intestines and is now the mother of the alien pregnancy from hell. Zenni starts yapping. Petals ears prick up. I ignore all of that the best I can. The noises and the alarmed dogs too. Later I eat three boiled sweets in a row and nick my toungue in the process on a sugar hole. Deliver a very quick cracker into my sore mouth. Next a wee cramp….no more hanging around …it’s time for the throne. Time to create a hole in the ozone above my house and send the sewer workers running for cover somewhere in Surrey.

On the whole with sugar excluded (yessss I know!) I hate junky carbs. I really do.

I understand a little about the biochemistry of carbs. I know they will trigger rapid insulin release and my body would under normal circumstances start a fat storing process. I don’t doubt this was part of my obesity problem before WLS except I never knew it then. The higher the spike of insulin release the faster and more efficient the fat storage. It’s something I want to avoid at all costs under normal circumstances.

I’m wary of it. I think it is one of the major things that can lead to weight gain before and AFTER surgery.

What boggles my mind is the more I learn about it the more I wonder if it has something key to do with regains after surgeries such as the gastric bypass that actually via physical means, by bypass of the pylorus for example, may encourage fast insulin release. There’s no regulatory buffer in the body and food is literally ‘dumped ‘ into the intestine. Sometimes the effect leads quite literally to ‘ dumping ‘. Signs are classic hypoglyceamia symptoms : shaking, dizziness, sweating, nausea etc…perhaps a little more pronounced than usual according to what I have heard, read and seen. Sure symptom of insulin being hyper efficient. I might be way off track here, I’m just a layman with pigden hocked together knowledge, but you study insulin release if it interests you and I’d like to know what you think.

I think nowadays few people buy the old ‘behavioural deterrent’ theory regarding dumping except perhaps people who get it most of the time ironic really. It’s too variable to be seriously effective for many other gastric bypass patients. It’s not just limited to carb intake either…some people get it more with fats or combo’s. But thats all beside my point which is IF it leads to fat storage …is that not the very thing with WLS we are trying to avoid???

It might be homeopathic, treat the cause with the cause sort of thing…but is it good science? It is definately all the more good reason to cut out the carbs - but does it work for people? I really don’t know. I just know I have mates out there who swear they are eating minimal carbs and don’t know why the heck they are getting regains (better just add I have mates doing very well on the RNY with no signs of this too). Yup, I know, sometimes we have our own denials about our destructive behaviours, but I know they are telling the truth.

How? Because this was me in the late stages of my morbid obesity on my final attempts at dieting. There I was restricting nearly everything and my body was refusing to give me any light of day. It just stayed the same during those diets. And then when I flipped and could not live with the severity of my restrictions and I started to eat a little more (still within the precepts of a diet) I gained weight. I think that might have been when I first realised it was finito for me regarding dieting anyway. That’s the simplistic version, but the longer version is my life story and there’s not time for that!

So, does this insulin thrashing eventually compromise some peoples systems so that it results in another form of something possibly yet unknown that is not unlike metabolic syndrome (in my days it was Syndome X) which makes it difficult to eat anything without gaining weight???

Scary thoughts. Hopefully completely unfounded thoughts thumbsuck thoughts. Has any research been done into this sort of possibility yet I wonder? If it has why is it not out there upfront? I might take a further gander and see if I can find anything more about this later, because if a stupid clot like myself can start thinking this the smart guys might already have figured it out and come up with a way to avoid a prospective scenario. Or I might be so thick I have it all wrong which is a possibility too.
Theory is one thing…living with regains is another.

Trying to gain weight using the theory with a WLS….is yet another. *SIGH*

As for me…two successive heavy night sweats later since carbing along unmerrilly, a nice little midday headache and mind fog, a feeling of being tired to my bones that comes and goes, a spell of dizziness, irritable bowels …. mmmmmm. What is going on in my body chemistry I wonder? I don’t think I am exempt from an insulin response. It may be subtle but it is there and its horrible.
2 days of it and I am almost ready to chuck in the towel. There MUST be another way besides carbs or creon here. I am hoping like mad that my scales are broken and just stuck and really I am 57 kilos and I can chill out.
It’s only been 2 days. That’s all. And all I want to do is eat nuts for my snacks. I want to eat homemade burgens crackers with philly and rolled ham snacks, mini meatballs, raw veggies and fried cheese crisps, tasty stuff. Now that’s my idea of food enjoyment.

Mercifully I can stop this by omitting a form of food I’m not partial to anymore. It’s that simple. Or is it?

I want my bowels to be nice and demure again. I want flat intestines.
If I sound petulant I am.

Right now I am trying desperately to ignore another wee cramp.

Sorry to cut this blog short, gotta run….

Not much news really because I’m currently just pottering.

I rather like it. Not having huge goals. Having ADD, huge goals tend to daunt me. Pottering is better for me although it does mean I don’t function as single mindedly.

This time of the year when it is cold outside and grey I tend to become quite reclusive. I have been doing a lot of reading recently - mostly trying to understand the finer points of Asian art. Bought a nice little book on Chinese lacquer work off e-bay and have been enjoying taking my brain in a different direction.

I’m pottering along with my website progress. I try to write a fair whack then I potter about researching and polishing my spelling and grammar as I go. I do get frustrated - I want it updated and away we go but the truth is it is a huge job and it might be several more weeks until I can go live.

That’s one thing. Other things are potterings around the house. Some domestic duties, but mostly I am planning. The hallway needs a unit. I’m tired of never having a place to stash brollys and coats. So I have drawn up a design that will also eventually take the 4 chinese panels I have had for an age as doors.
Then there is a wee smattering of creativity. The FUN stuff !:-) Restoring the odd antique. Making the odd necklace. I restored two old Islamic frames over a few days and they look beautiful.
The not so fun stuff: My dad is in hospital. The cancer reared it’s head again & he needed another surgery. This will be followed by chemo. He’s as good as we can expect. I am proud of his dignity in the face of adversity.

My mum is planning her stoma reversal in May & I am bricking it. Already. I will probably go down to Cape Town the week before her op. I’m going to miss summer again - the thought does make me feel slightly desperate. I need LIGHT.
My weight was 55 kilo’s this morning. I am down the kilo I had gleefully gained but  I’m okay about it. It’s not perfection but I am not sliding into anorexia.  I think i am going to bob between a couple of kilos up & down for a while now.  I consciously eat well. Always have really but now I have more extras when I remember to! Good lord who thought I would forget to have extra’s.

Extra’s for me mean a little more of the meat I eat for lunch, or a few extra tablespoons of veg.  Sometimes it means snacks…today it translated into a light choice lemon drizzle cake slice!  And two crackers with fig jam and philladelphia after my lunch, which was a  cheesey omellette filled with bacon & heinz mean beans…the yummy mexican ones.
It just shows how far I have come. Jane the once 2nd helping (at least!) girl! Now I have to actually remember to eat a little extra when I can.

I’m not without appetite at the moment either. I’m really hungry right now because I decided to roast a hunk of beef for dinner. The smell is really good! It was going to be simple - sliced beef with soft bread for the family and a bit of salad. But then I felt like roast potatoes. And buttered carrots too. Now I am thinking gravy is a good idea!

I find roasting meat is often a good plan. It seems expensive, but there is always leftover meat for a few more nutritious meals. Tomorrow for lunch I will make a generous beef sandwich with salad stuff and horseradish and I will be a happy bunny!

Just the other day on a popular forum a Dser wrote up about the subject of myths and truths regarding her surgery. Made me think.

So when is a truth a truth?

Over the years I have seen many a DS myth - at first I used to get on my high horse but nowadays I sometimes laugh out aloud at the sheer breadth of the lie.

I learned quite some time ago on this journey that truth is often VERY relative and often highly personal. Your experience of the surgery might not be mine, and vice versa. Does this mean we are telling porkies? Not at all.

Sometimes though people omit the bigger picture. I read of non complying WLSers complaining of evil side effects and knocking their surgeries. Sometimes publically they admit to eating the wrong food types, not taking supplements, alcohol abuse, etc…well, what does one expect then?

Of course a percentage of unlucky people comply, work hard at their surgery but it still is a nightmare for them. And they have every right to tell their story and feel resentful towards it at times. It’s hard when it doesn’t work. Their insight is invaluable as it helps those researching get more of an understanding of the reality in the sad event of a complicated surgery.
Myths that make me laugh or sigh (depending on my mood) are ‘DSers have body odour, DSers wear nappies (Oh MY LORD! lol), DSers poop all the time. DSers have constant uncontrollable diahorrea. DSers pass wind all the time. DSers have thin hair.’
Myths are always black and white. Always a definitive statement.

The ones that worry me most are the ‘unthought through’ ones. Or maybe I should say the ‘half truth ones’.

For example. The DS has the highest risk factors.

Aye - it does and one should know this before embarking on the surgery. The statistics on death risk is highest. But only marginally. And well within medical boundaries else it would not be done in the first place.

But here, I go into questions again!

What about the multiple revisions some people undergo that often end in the DS as a last resort?

How exactly do we define the riskiest surgery?

Do we base it on a one off surgery? If so, personally I think we have it wrong. Here I’ll risk fire, and say that I find the increases in revisions alarming and that my feeling is we will see more and more of these in the UK in years to come.
And, is it not more risky to end up having revisions to other surgeries …do complications and death risks not increase where this is the case?

Which surgeries are most often revised? I might be wrong but it seems to me the surgeries most subject to revision are often (not always though!) those that are originally held to be the least risky.

Think what concerns me is I observe surgeries being recommended almost as ‘frozen in time’ solutions to obesity sometimes.

As a longerterm patient I know there is nothing frozen in time about WLS at all. We won’t be living in year one outcomes forever. The honeymoon period of late year one and year two can change. We have bodies that are highly adaptive and that compensate, for starters. The pouch or tum or bowel or both in year one, might be a pretty different creature by year 5.

Imo - it needs considerable considering and more comprehensive medical data. It’s as yet a very unexplored area in WLS. But it matters a lot. People need to be able to assess longerterm outcomes of all the surgeries. Risk evaluation must surely include revision risks and a detailed description of all that entails…from the physical to the financial ramifications. Studying revisions gives a huge insight into a surgeries ‘weak spots’. It gives insight into physical behaviour of the WLS, it gives insight also into the area’s of difficulty such as adhering to dietary changes etc.

I’d love to see a lot more medical research about:

% of revisions in each surgery group over 5/6 years period

% of revisions revised to DS, RNY, Lapband

% of ‘in house’ revisions…revision within a given surgery for example, % of DS patients who have tum/intestine revised to shorter or longer DS standards, % of RNYers who have intestine revised the same way but still in keeping with a RNY surgery etc.

Causes of Revisions :

Physical & Behavioural.
After all I think there is not a patient out there that wouldn’t want to know (even if pretty generally) what their possible revision risks might be 5/6 years after surgery.

Originally the DS might be the highest risk surgery…but is it longerterm?

I don’t have a definitive answer…it’s yet to be researched, but I feel this research could yield very interesting data that could change a lot about our current thinking regarding WLS.

I could write on - the above is just one example of possible inadvertant misinformation regarding the highest risk surgery because it is seen in a very limited context.

But I’ll spare you all!

Off to tidy my house and get a snack now!

I’m belated with just about everything right now!

I’ve had a whirlwind festive month that culminated in a wonderful family holiday in bonny Scotland. Scotland in winter? Cold indeed, but superb!

My mum came up from South Africa for Christmas and the two of us left here on New Years day to Edinburgh. I had rented a fab apartment literally next door to the castle. It was beyond my expectations - roomy and yet warm and cosy. Gazing out the window we could see a fantastic view of Edinburgh Castle. It was a minutes walk to the castle along a cobbled street in the old part of the city. We were met by Moira and Eric Bowman who rent out the apartment. They spent time with us and went way beyond the call of duty in helping us arrive safely and in giving us insight into the area. If you ever go that way I highly recommend this apartment:

http://www.abc-edinburgh.co.uk/

We had 4 days to explore the old city and we spent our days taking in the many sights and walking for miles. My mum was on the hunt for a cashmere sweater and we searched through each shop, but the prices were pretty high even at sale prices. On day one our faces froze with cold. We tried on a thousand hats (well nearly!), but nothing looked or felt right. Then we discovered some fleecy trapper hats…warm with ear flaps and only £7.99! Never thought we would wax lyrical over a hat but snug and warm we heartily congratulated ourselves on our smart buys.

On the second day we woke up to winter wonderland! Outside the apartment huge snowflakes drifted down covering rooftops and the Castle. Magical! We were like two excited little kids.

We had the best time. We laughed so much my belly ached. We walked, shopped, went to Mary Kings Close, visited the Castle and Art Gallery and I ate pheasant for the first time at The Witchery restaurant. Bit like Turkey but not quite. I’m not sure I like it much but perhaps the taste grows on one.

As usual I was on the hunt for antiques and we found a superb little shop down one of the lanes with beautiful antiques. The owner was a lovely chap, he showed us some superb under the counter pieces. Priceless.I bought 3 magnificent old Egyptian frames from him. Wood with fretwork and inlaid with MOP.

On the 4th day my entire family including Zenni & Petal, arrived in a 4 wheel drive and packed like sardines we made our way to Oban.

It was late and snow was thick on the ground but we arrived safely. It was a superb setting. The house overlooks the Sound of Seil and the landscape is unbeatable. Each day I looked out on a panarama of light filled ever changing water and land. I feasted my body & soul there. It was a happy time. We cosied up on cold nights around the large wood fire. We played scrabble, blackjack, rummy, you name it! It was good to truly spend undivided time with my family.
We stayed on the Ardmaddy Estate in ‘The Stables’.

On the DS front, I have eaten much…under ordinary circumstances probably way too much. No weight gains. Perhaps it will happen yet, but I am not fussing. My health feels fine. My energy is out there! I am so functional in my body sometimes it makes me sit back and think if this DS was all I could do in this lifetime it was a frikking miracle indeed. I have sat in airplane seats that have room all around me instead of spilling over them. I have walked miles, climbed huge flights of stairs. New year bargain shopping for clothing was a cinch! Everything FITS!
In the old days after christmas…my life would have been so different. I’d have had the usual depressing weight gain of iro yet another stone. I’d be at home - travelling - not a dayum! It scared me and was too much of a challenge in a big body. I’d be feeling rotten, physically, mentally and emotionally. I’d be dead dog tired. I’d be trapped in overwhelming silent desperation. Since my DS, deep down I have been waiting. Waiting to see this bubble burst. Waiting to regain substantially. Waiting to wake up out of la-la land and find myself unable again and fighting obesity. 6 years on and I think perhaps I can let go of these fears finally. It’s worked for me. It works every day and everyday I feel the benefit.

Yesterday we visited the British Museum to see the exhibition The First Emperor.

http://www.britishmuseum.org/

I enjoyed it so much. It’s amazing and presenceful, these great big figures so ancient. I came out of the exhibition and understood once more my attraction to Chinese Art and Antiquities. There is something about it that holds more mystery for me than western art. Might be that they were at it in the artworld long before the west really woke up!

My mum is leaving in 2 days time so it was a wonderful ‘last sight’ of something beautiful. I can’t believe she is leaving. It’s hard to contemplate so I try not too. To just live the few days left with her as fully present as I can be. Things in South Africa continue to slide into corruption and mayhem but she refuses the thought of staying here with us. I understand but it still worries me.

I’m trying to figure out how on earth I will fill the gap when she leaves. It’ll be best I think if I throw myself into work and keep busy. That won’t be hard! I am rewriting my website slowly but surely to bring it bang up to date in cyberworld. I have the 1000 unfinished other projects that need attending too! I’m easing myself into a state of mind to make it a year of achievements on every level.