Dances with DS

I’m stuffed on 2 humungous mince pies for brekkie. Not the best DS choice but hey! it’s Christmas :-D!

We are having a lovely day - and I have snatched a few minutes to think on all of you my friends and hope you are all having a lovely day too.

For me it’s a very special time as my ma is safely here with us. Who would have thought we’d get such a blessing. Nearly losing her earlier this year makes me feel every moment is precious with the one’s we love. Plus she is a darned good cook -only joking! Well, she is really! But truly if I celebrate anything this Christmas I celebrate that.

We reminisced over old family photo’s and it is incredible really just how much weight I have lost. I thought of Prof Weiner who turned my life around nearly 6 years ago with my DS surgery and how well his handiwork has held up. I’m healthier than ever and slim, though I need to be vigilant now that I don’t lose more. Oddly, just recently I have done a ’sideways shrink’ that takes my size to 8-10, although I think my scales must be shot as they don’t register a weightloss connected with this. But in the grand scheme of huge improvements this is not a such big shake. I would rather this than be battling regains. I feel healthy still and I’m okay with being tiny right now, though I would not weep if I gained a few pounds either. It was a very wonderful gift this DS and I give thanks for it so often I have lost count. But no more than during the Christmas season when I can shop with ease, partake with confidence in the social occassions, wear beautiful clothes from any store I please, eat wonderful celebratory meals with no guilt and keep up the hectic pace without perspiration and exhaustion! It is still my personal miracle. It still works very well indeed. Thanks Prof. x.

I also thought of Mr Patel, who so kindly saved my life after a bowel obstruction,peserving my DS so beautifully in the process and who made it possible for me to be here, enjoying all my many rich blessings this christmas. Special Thanks to a very special man. x
Last night we ate our christmas meal a family together. I lit all the candles in our house and laid our table with fresh flowers. It was soooo good! We had a stuffed rack of lamb chops, a huge roasted fillet with gravy, my mums famous crispy roast potato’s, parsnips in honey butter with sesame seeds and asparagus and red pepper. I managed dessert too - merangues, creme brulee, caramel sauce. My appetite was on form, I probably ate for several days! We spoke of old times, of people we love, of John in gratitude and remembrance. We laughed a lot. And I had a bit too much marsala wine (all of two liquer glasses!)and got slightly tipsily sentimental!
I have been spoilt rotten too today. So many prezzies. A divine top from my ma, beautiful handmade sushi plates from Cape Town too and glam beaded earrings! Gorgeous leather gloves and soft scarf from my oldest, a keyring that says ‘fuck being a domestic goddess’ from my daughter which made me laugh so much , and agree heartily, the child so knows me! And an orchid light vibrantly fun & zany plus a gorgeous kimono owl money box from her as well. Delicious homebaked biscuits in a pretty tin from my son’s girlfriend and a monopoly set so I can so off my financial savvy! ;-). Boxes of the best lubbly chocs from my youngest son will help me gain a couple of pounds I am sure!. A superb pair of delicate antique satsuma vases from my dad & his lovely wife Aggi, along with a gorgeous thick indian silver antique bracelet and smooth jade medallions, cool and luscious to the touch. From my neighbour a thermal vest and pants, bless her, she has listened to my complaints of being a chilly lilly far too long!. From my friend, Kir a lovely elegant necklace of dark beads shot with marbled veins. From my darling hubby some swanky stunning boots in the softest nap leather. When I was a big lass I could not find boots that fit and so these have special meaning for me. Spoilt is probably not the word, but I can’t think of any other to describe just how spoilt I have been today!

I’m kitted for a glam winter indeed! I have beautiful objects to gaze upon. What more could a girl want.

I took a pic of me all kitted up in my christmas best, I’ll try to post here it here this week.
Later after a salmon mayo sarmie today for lunch, we drove through the Surrey hills and the gods gave us a sunset to witness that was beyond beautiful. It was so peaceful, the whole sky ablaze in orange and pinks. Awesome. A perfect end to a perfect day.
Tonight we have watched the movie, ‘Pan’s labyrinth’ and now, finally bed calls me but before I go I’ll post this up even though I intended to post it earlier in the day.

I am replete with good food. Replete with christmas spirit, love and the joy of a close knit loving family. I am happy. So fullfilled and at peace with my world. :-D     It’s been a beautiful beautiful Christmas.

What a week!

First I apologise to my dear friends who read this blog that I have not had time to reply to your e-mails and this when some of you are struggling with big things too. Please know I am thinking of you and when I see a spare few hours I will write to you.

Also apols for the atrocious layout of this post - the irksome program we use for this blog has decided paragraphs don’t exist in the real world, despite all my illiterate efforts to inject order. So it looks like one long crazy rambling - and alas, maybe it is.
Yesterday my father in law died in Cape Town, after a recent surgery to fix a broken bone had left him too vulnerable to cope any longer. I am deeply sad.

John was a wonderful man in many ways. I won’t wax lyrical - he’d not like that. I also won’t crowd his spirit with loads of sentimental musings as he was a man who like all of us had his quirks and boy could he be difficult at times with his stubborn streak! But really such things pale into the wonderfully strong points and he had. I have a head of rich memories and great love and respect for him.

Death is always inconvienient. I thought it pertinent that I got an e-mail exactly to this effect as I was pondering it a couple of days ago in one of those strange but wonderful synchronicities. It never comes when you are chilling out in mid summer with loads of holiday time on hand and a bank full of cash. It’s a rude life phenomenon. It shocks one to the core while it disrupts ones small life, shattering well laid plans and blasting one’s very heart with it’s velocity and loud trumpet call to stand to attention .

Here we are trying to cope with organising our home for all the people coming over at this time of year, having 3 birthdays before Christmas and then Christmas. Trying to organise a trip in the New Year to Scotland along with all that entails and then BANG - death. The world stops in this weird frozen haze of a heavy sad heart and everything goes into ‘on hold’ mode and spins around one in a deteriorating disorderly madness of getting tickets at short notice to Cape Town, flinging unironed clothes into suitcases, dropping all projects, going into ad hoc mode. Pete had just got back from a gruelling week away full of deadlines and stress and was exhausted as is.
The good thing was that he was able to at least see and hold his dad a few precious moments before John slipped away into another dimension. I am so grateful for this small mercy. I’m gutted I could not say goodbye to him, but I burned a candle for him and sent him love on his new leg of the journey.
I thought, if heaven exists he would be so warmly welcomed by all his loved friends and family. I bet he is asking for a good stiff whiskey after all those long tiresome days in a crappy hospital bed. I know he will see his mom, his younger brother Billy who died so young and so many others who he missed here on earth. All these thoughts make me smile for him and very aware that our tears and grief are for ourselves.
At the same time distance is a shitty barstard and I always feel so helpless in these situations. I just wish I could be there to at least comfort my hubby and put my arms around our momli who was married to John for 55 years.
So it is just a time of sadness really. Our dearly loved Patriarch has gone and the sense of physical loss that runs through all of us is massive and unspeakable.
My own dad is not well at all either. Just before all of this we visited him and he is thin and frail looking. I do not know if he can fight the cancer much longer. I have had so much headstuff about this unclear relationship since seeing him. Sometimes I feel the old black dog gnawing at my heels again but right now even this can’t be allowed. I have to cope there is simply no choice. I have to be strong for my husband who is going through desperately difficult times trying to help his ma and family and himself through everyone’s worst nightmare of loss. Ordinary life - just the basics are tough going. I keep having moments when I just crack up and do stoopid things like put a pair of slippers in the fridge and the veggies in the washing basket
Sometimes it is quite good that one reaches this point of near breakdown because it forces a sort of give over attitude. Like a survival mechanism. I’m so anal too. I have this idea that when people come my home must be impeccable and I do ridiculous things like start huge renovation projects in the midst of growing panic. I always thought I was the only silly fool around doing this sort of stuff, but when I confessed to several friends they all said they are just the same! LOL.
Anyway - the half baked projects lie around me right now and sting my pride. My front of organisation is a crumble around me. What is it? Pride - I know. Perhaps also a fear that I will be judged. I’d like to laugh that off but having come out of a haphazard obesity I know the fears are somewhat founded. People do judge. Will I ever forget?
And pathetically (and this is the part that makes me angry with myself), it matters to me A LOT. I think because I feel useless, vulnerable, frustrated and very very imperfect. Like my environment reflects who I am, and just like my obesity I can’t hide it and take cover so I feel exposed and subsequently defensive. Then I feel guilty that I can’t shake all of this when something so horrible and vast has just happened, that actually it should not matter what my selfish little feelings and needs are anyway. But I can’t seem to help these rotten feelings. Tell you what next year I am working on getting past this for good. God, I have so much in myself to resolve really. And to think I though resolving my obesity would mean the end of all of this!!! PAH!
Well, enough unfestive cheer.
Outside the sky is blue and crisp and I know all my clouds only mean my own blue sky is out of view right now. Summers of my heart will come again and the rythem of my little life will start beating again and all things will be healed in time.
My last thought today is that John is in a place of only blue sky now & eternal golden summertime.
Rest in peace our darling John John, Dad and Poppa and thank you for the great legacy of love and gift of your presence on earth, that you gave all of us. We have been truly blessed. Godspeed. XXX

I weighed in today - 1 pound up!!!! Yeeeeeeah!

Now I have to hope it holds firm.

Today is Pete’s birthday - sad he is not here so we can celebrate together. The man works too hard! But next year I swear we will celebrate in style.

Having a quiet day - just pottering about doing the domestic duties. It’s cold & blustery outside but in a brief respite from rain the dogs and I went to the park to throw their ball. Petal is improving in leaps and bounds now that I have finally figured out how to be a better pack leader. I think something in her will always make her want to chase her tail. I feel there may be a gene in her ancestry, but even so, proper handling of her means she has only contemplated her tail once yesterday.
I’m still boot camping her, but in a loving, calm and firm way. This means she no longer walks me on the lead, bolts out the door as numero uno or jumps on Zen. Period. No if’s and buts about it. She’s fantastic, once you get her to understand things she’s quick on the uptake. This week I have worked on the great front door excitement prior to a walk. It used to be pandemonium with Petal rearing to go, leaping and bounding in high excitement. Then when the door was open she’d rush out nearly pulling my shoulder out of socket with her leash. Then the nightmare walk…Petal in front straining at the leash and bucking this way & that.

No more. This girl now sits at the front door before we go. I mean ‘SITS’. Her leash is put on and then she calmly waits until I exit first. She does this by herself now with very little prompting. The walk is hugely improved too. I shortened her leash so she must at all times walk beside me. At first she threw a monumental tantrum prancing demonically but I held my own & she realised if we were going anywhere she had to comply. Battle won. I cannot believe the difference in her. I even think she is actually enjoying the walk much more than before.
When we get home she sits again calmly. Then her lead is removed and I feed her. I feel a huge shift in her. She is so sweet and so much wants to please me now. I think she is secure because she knows her place. As a result theres much more time for cuddles and affection too. Her response has been fantastic. Her and Zen are getting on much better too.
I’m realising that with some dogs it’s truly the small things that count. She is smart so she get’s the ‘cues’ quicker than most dogs I have owned. As my cues in the past were confusing she took the chance to try to upmanship herself. Of course! But at the same time she felt insecure about it.

I’m not so smart. It’s taken me a while to adapt my behaviour and work Petal’s view of doggieworld out. I’m dead chuffed I have finally ‘got it’ because this little girlie could have been heading for a miserable dog life. I can see now why so many ‘alpha’ dogs are eventually put down or given away. It’s not their fault though - it’s the owners fault. No blame - been there and worn the T-shirt myself.
Doggie life aside, I had the best breakfast this morning.
Ever wondered what to do with your leftover cauliflour cheese? I beat up two eggs this morning, added last nights cauli-cheese to them, added some fried bacon and extra cheese - it was amazingly good! Scrambled eggs with a twist. So good I think I will buy a few ready made cauliflour cheeses to put in the freezer on standby.
Well on with the day then. My daughter is back tonight and my hubby first thing am tomorrow. Petal is snoring in a deep and contented sleep, peacefully at my feet. Lot’s to smile about today!