Dances with DS

If you don’t feel like ploughing through my blog today but just want to see the photo’s the link is at the bottom of this page!

I am loving every minute of the day watching over Petal and Zen-Zen. Petal is turning out to be a truly special dog. We have had bullys before and all dogs are divine imo,  but this girlie really is extremely bright. She sits on command already, runs away when she knows she should not be doing something and tugs a rope like any older bully would. She also refuses to give up her little ball and hides away with it when Pete approaches her!  Like any bright toddler it does mean one has to be there on a 24 hour shift overseeing her needs and working out the best strategies to handle her. Bull terriers are different from other dogs as every bully owner will attest. They need proper handling from the earliest age otherwise they can be hell on legs. Properly babied and loved but at the same time gently but very firmly  disciplined they are awesome little characters who give back all the effort made a hundredfold.

Petal is a natural Alpha dog. Sassy, bold and fearless she shinnies her way up to the huge dogs in the park and even had a collie submitting to her commanding presence as you can see in one of the piccies. She is also extremely loving and adores all people and children especially. The other day a little girl of around 9 years old was absolutely fascinated by her but at the same time too terrified to touch her. It’s so alien to me that a kid should be frightened of a dog (and it was clearly not a case of a dog ever having hurt her but more the conditioning of parents, unfortunately.) She reached out to touch Petals face but would at the last minute withdraw. So I helped her feel Petals back. She was so sweet (well both Petal and the little girl!). ‘She’s so soft and warm!’ she exclaimed. Bless!

Zen is getting less fraught about Petal. He even comes to sniff her and last night tolerated her sleeping very near to him. I think this will yet work out very positively. I have to constantly love him - just as one would an older sibling of a new baby.

Today I am busy between my doggles sorting out stuff for a car booty tomorrow. The kitchen looks a demonic mess - this mainly because I have been making a lot of homemade puppy and dog food for Zen & Petal. Beef & oats with carrots - chicken liver and chicken mince with rice and veg…. and much whizzing and blending into babyglop for petal. They love homecooked food.

Zen began to develop a horrid dry skin that was flaky and itchy last year and I decided to stop with commercial dog foods. I did a lot of interesting research on what wild dogs eat and although Zen does not get raw meat (his natural instincts are perverted and he pulls his nose up at it) I occasionally add a little into his mixture. I added a little virgin coconut oil (alternating this with fish oil) to his food and made sure everything in his food was real. No fillers and preservatives or overcooked food. I’m picking nettles and dandelions which will be cooked to add to his next batch of food, these provide vitamins and minerals that are in sync with his environment. His coat has transformed, he is energetic and overall a much happier boy. Seeing him thrive and become healthy has made me determined that Petal go onto proper food from the earliest age. As she is very small yet I will be adding a vet approved vitamin supplement to her diet as well for a while.

So - let me not bore you any longer - I must go and get on with my day.

Enjoy the pics of Petal & Zen-Zen and have a lovely weekend!

I did have the best intentions I swear it - but old habits die hard! I have tried to up the carbs and the food intake & failed on the carbs but improved somewhat on intake of food. I find it wildly ironic that I was so afraid of falling into a carb cycle. The truth is I really really don’t like carbs - wind or no wind. They just taste well, of nothing. Might as well chew on a shoe it would be tastier. So 2 days in and I found myself yearning for more sweet potato and chicken ala king. Typical. But good in a way.

I’m winning on some levels though. I am eating mash & rice and loads of butter. (smug grin - because for me butter is still a deep pleasure after all those ghastly years of low fat, low enthuisiasm, very low taste diets).  I am eating more food per sitting.  But the butty is still a strange droopy kind of melted memory  of it’s once plumper days. Oh for a J low bum!

Still I have decided if I am where I am weightwise so be it. I fight whether I am fat or slim. I have decided to just let things be and to relax about it all, at least for now. I need respite. Again.
My mum continues to have bad days and better days. I continue to live in possible fast flight mode. It’s all so wretchedly worrying, but I know I must stay on the positive side - most of all for her sake.

Our lives have changed irrevoccably. We fetched our new baby pup last week and she is seriously gorgeous. We called her Petal, mostly because when you call a Bull terrier Brutus or Killa or Nipper - you are asking for people to veer away nervously. Petal on the other hand makes people move past her looks into the realm of her very sweet nature.

Actually her real name is Petal Elskie. The Elskie is derived from my mums name in honour of my mum, we laughed because bull terriers are not my mums fav dogs as she was mauled by an adult one when she was a little girl. But over the years being with our lovable bullies my mum realised that not all bullies are a danger zone on legs. She grew to dearly love our Tao - and Tao loved her too. Petal was a very generous gift to us from my mum.

We love her to bits. She is very bright - sitting on command only 3 days after getting her - before 8 weeks old! She ‘talks’ to me - a strange little barky noise which is not a bark but a direct response to a certain tone of voice I use. Also she thinks she can fly. I have never seen such a young pup attempt to leapfrog her way up onto the sofa. She does make me laugh with her antics.

She also charms people and dogs (except for her brother Zenni who currently is not impressed). Yesterday in the park she drew a crowd of people and dogs and was not in the least nervous about finding herself encircled. On the contrary, she thought it was showtime! She struck her cutest poses and enjoyed every minute of the fussing. She is extremely dear, knows her name and clearly let’s her mam know what her needs are at any given time. As you can tell we are smitten.

I will post up pics of me & my new babydogchild soon so watch this space.

Not much news at the moment - most of my energy goes into Petal & Zenni boy. Zenni is such a soft dog and he has felt very upset by the new arrival. Worryingly he has stopped eating - I am concerned that I have the worlds first anorexic dog.  I have guilt that my own weight obbsessions have somehow rooted in my little boys soul.  I have guilt anyway because I always have guilt. Others have Gucchi handbags and Jimmy  Choo shoes, but I - I have something priceless, enough guilt for all the worlds woes.

Added to Zens despair she is fascinated by him and tries to follow him to play. He has taken to living high up on chairs and beds as far away from his new little sister as possible. But yesterday when my son Luke took him off to mates in the evening on her return Zen sniffed her and even let her lie next to him for a whole minute! I think it is very hard for him now but later on I hope they will be good company for each other - unlikely a combo as they are!

So for me - there is loads of doggie work cut out. Much cleaning of puppy accidents, training in progress and reassuring of both dogs. Frankly - I love it!

I decided to have a carby day today. With some trepidation. My feelings about simple carbs are not the biz. I see them wreck otherwise very good DSes. I’m not a general fan of them because I believe if anyone wants to really mess with the DS - this can be a danger zone of bloating, IBS and worst case, the dreaded regains. If a DSer wants to muck with the fine biochemistry and hormonal component of their DS - too many carbs will do it effortlessly. I’d love to see DSers knock them on the head early on in the DS and develop a taste for healthy complex carbs and protein instead.

I have experienced just how an addictive cycle of carbs can be - if I recall it was last christmas. Too many mince pies and multiple helpings of christmas pud had me on a streamlined cycle of goodness knows what brain chemical releases. That’s addiction for you - it’s not the food it’s what the food does to one’s biochemistry. I wanted more and more. I stopped it (it was’nt easy either!) once I realised I was going to fall into a potentially unbeatable pathway of destruction.

Despite the above. I’m not purist. I’m not! I believe there is a time & place for everything. I don’t see why there cannot be times when it is okay to have a few junk carbs IN MODERATION. Moderation is the key - and it can be hard to keep that in mind. Some people cannot be moderate and for them it is way better to work with replacement type of foods rather than start tampering with carbs.
Certainly for me there is a threshold point. Before that point I can use junk carbs wisely. I can and have used them in the past. For example in year one when I felt deprived by my routine of protein and more protein, when I felt I was on another dreaded ‘diet’, I had the odd junk carb day. It helped me to feel more human & to beat my headstuff then.

And simple carbs have a place - in weight regain. Which is where my need is at right now.

Now my dilemma’s. Firstly I know I will get bloating and wind if I embark on this course of action. I was lucky enough to have Pete in the USA and I asked him to get me the rather oddly named ‘Beano’ (makes me think of Beano comics, Dennis the menace in particular!) - thinking I would see if this stuff is literally worth the biscuit.

http://www.beanogas.com/

Today I ate past my carb threshhold…2 slices of Hot Cross Bread in the am. (Big hunk of cheese for protein). For lunch I had a chicken & waldorf salad baguette. A pretty big hunk of baguette. Seems the Beano does work. I have not been wind free - but I have not been bloated with trapped wind and it has hugely reduced the wind. Hugely. In fact I was amazed, which I seldom am when it comes to miracle cures of any kind. I suspect if I took 3 rather than 2 Beano’s I would be home and dry on the wind front. I’m pretty impressed. Also pretty terrified. Wind is a great deterent to carb addiction. Used wrongly Beano could be dangerous! What if people took Beano to be able to eat all manner of junk? I suppose I can’t be responsible for that…but it still bothers me a little. On the other hand there are a few DSers who can’t eat complex carbs without horrendous wind. For them Beano might be a little lifesaver.

Back to my dilemma. I have fear that I might suddenly switch to being a junk carb glutton if I move ahead with my plan to regain some weight. There might be a flashpoint where it goes from being a good plan to a disastrous addiction.

Perhaps just knowing this I can be more watchful. On my side is the fact that generally I find simple carbs very unpalatable. Bread, unless it is Rye or a good Seed loaf or low GI bread is cardboard. Tasteless spongy stuff. Pasta - aaaargh! Wet cardboard! Even the baguette I ate with long tooth today was pretty unbeckoning. I had to fight an urge to scrape all the tasty filling off the bread. So perhaps this too will be on my side as I venture forwards into regain land.
I think the challenge is this for any WLS patient - to eat awarely no matter what one is eating. To eat - knowing the potential points of departure from sanity.

I don’t think I can eat a lot of bread anyway. I’ll probably stick to the rice & mash plan despite the beano. I will also increase my food portions to around 75-80% of a plateful and push my DS over my bodies needs - as right now these are being divergent.

I don’t need a huge regain - just a kilo or two will line the old butty with some cushioning. I’m not going to tamper with this bigtime - sometimes if well enough is left alone things find a balance. So I will go with 2 small changes for now.
Once I am there - I’ll drop the rice and mash and maintain a higher level of food intake. So lets see what happens. Watch this space!

It’s an up and down state of affairs this stuff with my mum. But right now looks like we can go on the up again. It was a very bad infection beneath scar tissue which her surgeon opened and cleaned out properly. She spent the night in hospital under observation and when I phoned she complained about the food! That has to be positive!

So I can put my emergency suitcase aside for now and focus on life here a little. Yesterday I went to an auction and bought a handsome oak leaded light wall cabinet of a decent size for £6.10! I can see why no one wanted it - it was covered in dust & grime but I tell you, it’s a good honest sturdy piece with the leaded glass in perfect condition. Cleaned up until the glass shines - lined with a raw silk interior - laquered in black - and perhaps a few leds to light up the interior for display - we have a gorgeous little piece that could stand in any smart interiors shop in London. Today I am working on it, first dedusting and then I will wire wool it to remove old polish. Then it will get a coat of black lacquer in a satin finish because gloss would look too harsh.

Meantime I am also working on our diningroom table which I have redyed and also applied coats of shellac to it. I need to do this sort of stuff as it relaxes me. Some women do knitting or needlework but give me a piece of furniture to turn around anyday.

Yesterday I went to M& S to buy a body top. Size 8 fitted me even though I am convinced I actually have the bone structure of a size 10-12. Frankly I think this is getting silly now. I have no bum again. The boobies are a sad little mound of jelly, ribs show and the panni! oh gawd lets not even go there! I am not sure why I am ratching downwards I thought I was eating pretty well again. I think it’s a bit like those early pre op days when what I ate seemed such a lot when in reality it was peanuts. 3 peanuts to be precise.

I think this is the same - I am smaller and I eat for a small persons needs - at least I want too. My plate is never loaded and I can do with around 60% of a plateful right now with most of it being protein. I’m deeply satisfied after eating this, hunger is quite the alien to me nowadays.

You’ll notice if you read this blog that my intake is somewhat less than it used to be at around 100% of a plate at 16mnths - 3 years out, then for quite a long time I ate iro75-85% of a plateful. Now it’s closer to 60-65%. I can of course eat a lot more than (like when I get my restuarant or family celebration tum) that but I just never seem to want more.  My body says it’s fine, enough already! But my DS has different requirements. It needs more calories than my body actually does if that makes any sense. It’s quite confusing and I feel the way forward is for me to accept that I am like an onion. Spirit, Mind, other stuff, Body, and there at the root of it is my DS. I’m kind of seeing now that I can’t confuse the DS for the body. There are times that all these layers play a role in my life and right now I must focus on what my DS requires so that it can get the link to my body up and running better. I listen to my body a lot but listening to the DS is one step deeper and very much more difficult to attune to especially when DS & body are having a conflict.

I am going to add in more carb. I’m not keen because it gives me wind past a certain threshhold but I’m having more than enough sugar daily and it’s so nutritionally empty and simply not denting my loss. I’ll probably go for eating a little rice everyday as that seems to have the least effect on my bowels. Mash is a starch so I’ll increase intake of that too. With cheese added it’s extra protein as well & it tastes so good!   I really have gone off carbs again so I will need to be conscious about it. I tend nowadays to treat green beans as my spaggetti, butternut or sweet potato as my bread, butter beans or other beans as my pasta.

Anyway I am not dead panicked about it - I think I am accepting that this is all part and parcel of my DS journey. There will be leaner times and there will be fatter times and so what. I can work in a range that’s okay healthwise.

Pete is home and it’s nice to have him back. Kate phoned me from the US. I nearly cried , it feels like an age since we spoke. She’s doing well. I love how committed she is towards ‘her kids’ at camp. She notices when a child needs some extra special attention and she gives it so freely. She’s set to travel once the camp thing is over , New York, Seattle, Montreal and across the USA with a tour group. The kid is having fun and making life work for her :-D.

I’m feeling my way back into normal life now, I think. For so long it has been a world of surgeries and hospitals, my own bowel obstruction, others surgeries and my mum’s. I almost think I want to walk away from it forever and never go there again. On the other hand - what would we do without surgery? Yup, it can nearly take one’s life but much more often it is truly life giving. That’s probably why I will be a sad old DSer of 20 years out, still hanging out with the newbies. I like LIFE too much!

Looks like fear is going to be my new partner for a while yet.  Yesterday my mum developed a further late complication - a very painful lump in the area where they repaired a hiatal hernia.  She went to see her surgeon who suspected an infection. He prescribed very strong antibiotics but today the poor love is no better.  I have been on the phone to her and I hear that old telltale hum of pain in her voice.  She tries to be brave but I have attuned to the lesser pitches in her voice all too well over the past months.  I know it is not good, but that’s about all I know.

My mind wants a reason so badly - is it an abcess?  Is it a hernia - can a hernia become inflamed?  Is it something left behind in there  during one of the emergency ops?   A wrong type of suture ? A staple  gone mad?   Infection is not a good answer for me - I want to know what is causing it so it can be sorted.

I feel down. Very very down.  It may be a small thing and I pray it is, but I have sat in the silent space on the abyss of death too many times with my ma recently to be complacent. Not saying we are there yet but there are other concerns I have - how long can a body endure infection for? Her heart struggled bravely during her last op & we won the day,  but I fear it might be a little weaker now - and each onslaught looks bigger in the light of this.

I feel the distance.  I feel at a loss.  I don’t know where to turn. I want to cry - infact I think I will.  I hate being so far away it’s like a piece of wood jammed in my heart right now - this insane distance.  I might as well cry for how broken up we are as families in South Africa too.  So many young and middle aged people have left and I am in that statistic. These are the times we live to feel it the most.
Tomorrow she will go back to her new surgeon. He has a nurse on her case who will assess things in the morning.  It’s not all bad - at least she is being intermittantly monitored. If it is an abcess it will be drained.  That’s the best case scenario right now.  It’s scary for her. I wish I could be there to support her, to take her home and care for her.

I keep flashing on my childhood with her. My mum was a single mum, my dad left us and came to hide out in the UK when I was 10 & my brother 6 - he never paid a penny towards our welfare.  She earned pittance as a teacher and even more pittance as a female teacher. SA was a sexist place in those years. She worked hard to give us kids what she could on every level.  I am close to her - very close. I regard her not just as my mum but as my dearest friend and inspiration.
I am packing my suitcase again tonight. Just in case.  Probably I am over reacting but I am not overreacting out of a vacumn.

Had a bad day on the eating front - a direct result of stress.  I just can’t cut it on these sort of days. I get quite mad with myself.  It’s borderline stuff nutritionally.  I did manage a good breakfast and a piece of chicken for lunch - no veggies.  But now I have no appetite so dinner will probably be a fortified latte or two.

Worry has the peculiar way of turning me into a hyperactive bunny - I stripped the dining table today and sanded it.  I sit here looking like the dust monster.  It’s my coping mechanism to work ballistically hard doing utterly useless things.

Sorry this post is a bit glum.  I need to just do ‘the right now thing’ styay with the moment more - and not allow my self to think so much. All my thinking is pretty futile anyway.   Hopefully things will shift into better times soon.

Today my thoughts are turning and mulling over the past hectic month. I got some e-mails regarding changing surgeons due to complications so thought I should clarify more.

Firstly, always bear in mind that complications can occur in the most expert hands. It happens sometimes despite the best care & the best expertise. As laymen medically it can be very difficult for us as how do we gauge if there is indeed any negligence on board? I don’t have an answer to this, except research and ask for other opinions. Each patient is highly individual and risks might well differ from person to person - so what generally might apply might in reality not apply to the patient with his/her unique needs & risk factors. It’s probably as awful for the surgeons as it is for the patient and the family when things take a turn for the worse.

I would say this - never make the decision without first really listening to the surgeons in charge. Ask questions and ask for clarification on any doubts you might have. You may find that things you thought were not being done properly are actually being well managed.

Be clear - tell the surgeon if you are bringing in a second opinion. Don’ t just remove the patient and not first communicate with the surgeons concerned.

I’m not one for instigating litigations, but I do understand how on grounds of severe and provable neglect or very poor decision making people might want to persue this course of action. For me personally, life is too short for that. I prefer to learn whatever I had to learn and move on. I know it is much easier said than done especially if one has lost a loved one.

I phoned my mums surgeon several days after we had (with their knowledge) transferred her. We had a long very open chat and shared our perspectives with each other in an understanding way. I told him I had not moved her out of anger and we agreed that complications just have a way of undermining things and testing the families faith. It was not at all unpleasant. In fact he offered to always be there for my mum in the event she needed him if her new surgeon was away etc and I told him I would hold him to that if ever needed. He passed on all my mums medical & surgical notes to her new surgeon.
For my mum this means that should she ever bump into him there does not need to be any feeling of guilt or embarressment. If things go pear shaped (lord forbid) then her new surgeon will be able to easily connect with her history. So if you can, make your closure pleasant, it does not have to be destructive in any way to any of the parties involved.

Of course it is very personal - not every surgeon will respond as positively as ours did, and not every family who this sort of thing happens too will be able to move on. This is just the way we handled a difficult situation. It may need to be different for you & yours. But do think about it carefully and don’t rush into any rash decisions. And be aware that moving the patient to another surgeon either during the process or shortly afterwards means that one might be inadvertantly taking more risks with the patients often frail health.

That aside, it is very good to be home although I am still phoning my mum daily and fretting about her way too much. We have had a very close relationship during my adult years but this crises made us even closer on many levels. So I miss her a lot! Still I console myself that now for her it is really a case of caring for herself and just keeping on healing. With the colostomy in place the chances of another complication are a lot less than before so I am holding the faith that all will be well. At least until her colostomy reversal, but that is down the line and I can’t go there emotionally just yet. No doubt I will have to but I will do that when the time comes and I will be bricking it bigtime no doubt.

I’m pottering around my house - trying to spruce it up a little. The boys never left it in a great mess but it just looks kind of tired & well used. My little doggie follows me everywhere. I have told him his new sister will be coming to us in August but frankly he is in denial! If you want to see our beautiful new baby there are pics of her at:

mssint.com/puppy

You’ll need to paste the addy into your browser as my technical expertise at making the link live is flagging today!

We are very excited about getting her. I love animals and given the chance I would have at least 12 dogs and several cats but my little house could not do it unfortunately!

Pete left for the USA today. I miss him already. We have only had 3 days together since I got back and it’s not easy to say goodbye right now. I shall have to throw myself into the myriad things to beat time at it’s own game.

So let me stop mithering now and get down to some work!

Hope you are all having a happy weekend my friends.x

I feel like I have been in the strangest time warp. I’m only just beginning to find my bearings here again but it is nice to be home with my Pete and family. What’s left of my family that is! While I was away my daughter left for the USA to be a counsellor at a summercamp, Matt went back to Uni and the house just feels plain odd without them around.

It won’t be an easy week either as Pete is off to the USA too for a week. Anyway - I can’t mope too much - life is good and there is much to be done around my house which has housed a temporary bachelordom!

I called my mum - she is still progressing well and my fears are at last starting to lie down. Strange to think now that just a few weeks ago she was on life support machines.

DS wise I am slotting nicely back into eating better now, but my metabolism is still a bit hyped. It’ll come right though - I think routine for me plays a vital role in the stability of my old gut. I’ve been thinking about dirverticulitis lately - a bit worried that eventually I might be at risk. I never thought about it before much but I think it hangs in there along with risks of bowel cancer for distal WLS surgeries. All the more reason to do well on the complex carb score and keep uptake as high as possible.Not much else to natter about today - there is domestic harressment awaiting as usual… washing & ironing galore. Plus a fair whack of suitcase unpacking and packing. I can’t profess to deep joy but it is a whole lot better than coping with a crisis. Slow , mundane, ordinary - that’ perfect for me right now!