so I shall write. To take my mind off things while I wait for my moms surgeon to connect with me. She has had a setback and is back in hospital & I am beside myself with worry. They think it might be a bladder infection but maybe also a chest infection …it’s the maybes that are killing me. I need a definite diagnoses. It could be anything at all but right now I am haunted by my own bowel obstruction experience. It’s very hard not to be - to try to be strong and logical.
I’m listless and I can’t eat. I have nausea. But I know I better get a grip. It’ll do no one any good if I fall apart least of all my mom. I keep tuning to the strength of the woman in my family hoping I can hold myself together. And all the time the distance looms larger. Suddenly anything can happen in the 12-24 hours it might take me to get there. It looks unlikely I will get a flight tonight so my plan is to try first thing in the morning depending on her surgeons input and insight into the situation.
Into this crisis - my pup turned out to be a scam. I should have known but scams are elusive until the last minute. Happily we lost no money but there was no doubt in my mind that we had been played into a set up. How ironic that this scam originates in the Cameroons. Africa.
But I am not upset. It is as well what with developements right now. Having a pup would have only complicated issues. So we shall just have to wait a little longer to get her. It’s registering only as a tiny blip on my lifes radar right now in the bigger pic of things.
I am packed and my suitcase is ready. The only upsetting thing is I possibly won’t see Mr Patel this week for my appointment which worries me as I need to discuss things with him re my bone health. But I don’t have a choice really.
I am going to try to calm down now. A cup of tea would do me well.
Actually I am here but it doesn’t feel like that. I feel slightly rootless and listless everytime I get back from South Africa - nothing unusual.
My mum got through her surgery well. But today she has developed a bladder infection & today I feel too far away - and anxiety for her pounds at me. She has been seen by her surgeon but still, I can’t bear to think of her in pain and she sounds frail over telephone lines. This stuff is no good for one’s heart and I wish I lived nearby and could be there for her.
Our trip to SA was busy - bordering on the hectic as we struggled to see so many dear friends & our family. But it was also celebrative and a deep reminder to me of loving links and how important it is to be together. I know - violence or not somehow by the gods grace I must work towards being there at least 3 months of the year. 3 weeks is just too short.
My country is not good. Murder and crime prevail. Mugabe sends a cloud from Zimbabwe that can be felt right at the tip of Africa what with Mbeki’s support of the tyrant. I know it is a scoff at the white man & rather much enjoyed but Mugabe’s crimes know no colour. The man is very non racist, it’s a case of you agree and uphold him and if not - bang bang. Perhaps others will disagree - but this is a power mad person with no bone of reason left in him. In local South African papers I flinched seeing pictures of black ladies beaten to within an inch of their lives for daring to question his regime. It sickens the heart. Where are the humanists - where are the protectors of human rights?
I read a book late at night called ‘ When a Crocodile eats the Sun.’ by Peter Goodwin. It tells of Zimbabwes decline into human atrocity & suffering. I wept. Often. I was scared too. Maybe this is the future South Africa. The entire continent with a few exceptions is a bloodbath of dictatorial violence. I now wonder if casting my vote so proudly all these years ago for the dream of integration and a better future was wise after all.
I experienced first hand racism in my country. We were pulled over by police on a road the day we left. He demanded to see Pete’s drivers licence. He was rude, bolshy and my heart was pounding. He had that ’superior’ type of attitude and looked at us as if we were scum. Pete gave him the drivers licence - his UK one. ‘This is not right’ he stated. ‘This licence is no good.’ Pete told him that it was infact perfectly legal and that the UK & SA had entered an agreement about using the license. Also that the car was hired and were the drivers licence not legal we would not have been given the car in the first place. He was polite and un argumentive but factual. Still - the policeman persisted we were wrong and that we needed a letter to drive on SAfrican roads. I saw jail bars flashing in my mind, and was fast cooking up a plan of action - to contact the British embassy if required among other things. I thought that was bloody ironic too - a call to my ancestory to protect me from my very own land and it’s people! The policemen then said ‘Well I must fine you now.’ Pete shot back - ‘ you are going to fine me? - really?’ Something in his tone must have got through and I think our corrupt policeman realised he was not going to make a fast buck that day - not without a fight. He reluctantly waved us on.
Friends have been gassed in their own homes then burgled. They say it is much better than being shot outright for the telly. Dogs are brutally poisoned. Things are stolen - our video camera was nicked in our hotel room. Pleasant land it is not.
So it goes. This was one incidence but other small incidents occurred as well. Ah well, one can take it but my god I NEVER treated any black person like that ever - when there was a white government. Still - we will pay the price I suppose. These things don’t operate on individual basis - this is mass mind stuff. A whole new ballgame.
Some time ago someone told me the whites deserved racism from the blacks. I still have to laugh at the dreadfully flawed theory! Dear Lord! The assumption that every white in South Africa was a racist tyrant … when white people died & risked their lives too for ‘the cause’ whatever the hell that actually is. And no one , NO ONE of any colour deserves racism. Racism is singularly undeserved …just like any cruelty is.
I hate it that the colour issues still rear it’s ugly unfortunate head. Wish it could all be different.
But still - the mountain is there. Blue and powerful. My totem. My connection with my roots. The sea shines light off it and the pace is relaxed and casual. Most people of all colours are generally still kind people - deeply generous, helpful and so want to make it all work. One can’t help loving it despite ones self, despite the crappy side.
Back in the UK - it is raining and cold and I want to bolt. But it is also green and verdant and so beautiful it makes one stop in one’s tracks. The bluebells are out.
ZaZen has not coped well with me being away despite the loving care he got. His skin is full of doggy exema from stress of seperation from me and he is too thin. He shadows me everywhere. I am giving him coconut oil, homecooked meals and loads of tlc. Unfortunately tomorrow will not be his best day because he is getting a little sister. My pup is arriving. She is a Shih Tzu baby. It will be tough on Zen initially but I hope soon they will settle into things and he will have a little playmate - something he sorely needs. He is often bored just following me about and I think this will add dimension to his doggy life.
I’m dead excited. I won’t sleep tonight! I have prepared and prepared some more and her pink blankets are washed and ready, her little puppy bowls are bought along with her food. I have written up some name possibilities. As her breed is oriental she will join ZaZen in an oriental name. I kind of like Midori-Ju ( a hybrid Japanese-chinese name that might equate to ’spring crysanthemum’) but that might all change when she arrives and we get to know her energy better.
I’m feeling good - DS working well. I ate and ate in SA but my weight is holding firm right now.
It has now been 5 years since my DS and I still think it is a pukka surgery. State of the art if well done and for the right reasons to the right person.
So it is. Now enough - there is work to be done still - a load of ironing that should indeed pull me right back into actually being here! 
