Dances with DS

Don’t read this if things of the bowel appall you.  I long ago lost most of my shame in matters relating to the botty but I have to cross the hurdle of shame once more it seems.  It’s stayed with me bugging me intermittently - the pre xmas shop to Costco that is. The good lord alone knows but whenever I go to Costco I am seized by the urge for a bm.  I don’t know why - it is a mystery. So off I trundle to the loo to deposit my DS gift to the local sewers.

I might add I had my trusty oust spray with me and I was spraying each time someone flushed the loo. Suddenly this woman starts ranting ‘who dropped their guts in here and I froze - mid shit - to be precise. She decided to have a tirade calling me a nasty bitch and graphic detail on how she would f*** me up etc -  generally going off with all sorts of exclaimation marks between. I sat as quiet and scared as a meek mouse behind the loo door praying she would leave. Actually,  what came out of that persons mouth was more vile than what came out of my bum. But I was gutted. And I was shattered. I was very very close to tears too.
Had I been living in the land of sweet delusion thinking it was not that bad …and that my oust would always mask it? Mmmmm…I think so. Perhaps I have become immune to the smell of DS flatus.  And tbh I was okay in my own little world believing that it was not that bad.

I talked it over with Pete who said - really it is not that bad but that the woman might have just gotten a shock at the ‘different’ smell. I told my family who reassure me it really is not worthy of such reaction and who comforted me and made me feel I could …possibly…just maybe tolerate a public loo again someday. Thank God for my family.
Now - well I am just angry.  What if I had bowel cancer? What if other WLS patients get subjected to this abuse because they are significantly rerouted. Now - I think of all the smart alec things I should have said but it’s too late really and anyway it would’nt dissolve the terror & humiliation I experienced in that loo.

Then there is still the little nagging question? What if it really is that bad ? I don’t know actually.  I can’t stop going to the loo anymore than anyone else can unfortunately.  It’s upsetting when this sort of thing happens though. But I am NOT going to get obsessed. I’ll just have to work my way through this experience.  Perhaps I will suffer the darned devrom before I ‘go’ in public loo’s again.
Other that that unfestive start to xmas I had a really nice time. We took xmas day easy as a family mooching about draped on sofas reading new books  and watching new DVD’s. It was the best. :-)  We had xmas eve with our neighbours and boxing day we had lunch with friends. Goodstuff. I have eaten way too much and imbibed in carbs and a plethora of festive junk food.   I’m coming back to my protein rich reality today though.  Mind you I did stuff it up a bit by eating digestives  and chocolate yet again.  But generally  -  I’m pushing to revive good DS habits again. Xmas, alas, must end.
I am refreshed and ready to start the new year bigtime. Pete bought me a very interesting book about the guts link to the brain chemically and it has restarted a desire in me to know more. The thing was that much of what I have learned from living with my own guts he wrote about in the book!  It was good to know that things I have thought on and hypothesised on are not just figments of my imagination. I have so much to learn about this mysterious gut and tbh I struggle often through medical terminology that stumps me.  But this year I will persist. There is good reason to do so…there might be answers out there that we have not considered yet.  I am very interested in the idea of treating IBS with ‘brain’ drugs…I can see a possibility there for those DSers that suffer diahorrea. I recall some years back reading an abstract that mentioned this but I kind of brushed the idea off.  I’m coming back to it now because there are DSers out there for whom our conventional treatments have not worked ie: antibiotics, questran, codiene, more fibre, regular eating patterns, no alchohol, no carbs, lactase tablets, no/low fat diets.  It might be a long shot but a long shot that prevents further surgery surely must be worth a try?

So - I am going to redouble my efforts to hike my uneducated brain through the terms.  I want to know - just how does the digestive system work alongside the brain & vice versa?  What are the transmitters and what is the method of transmission from gut to brain? And what the hell are we doing if by some chance during WLS we remove either the method of transmission or the transmitters themselves. Yikes!
I want to know - I am thirsty to know. Even though sometimes I think knowing is definately a torture & ignorance might truly be bliss. But, for example - so many of us obese people seem to have black dog (depressions)post op and often pre op.  And I know that I had NO satiety signal prior to my surgery and somehow - my surgery DID restore it.  I know I am not just pulling that out of thin air - it’s been real and revelationary for me. Is there a brain-gut connection that is for real…I mean in terms of chemical interactions? I think so. But that’s just my gut feel!

I am also thinking 3 business ventures but not sure if I can pull them off - so much to do and so little time.  Still I need my reconstructive surgeries and soon.  I’m tired of the panni that sits on my upper legs when I sit.  It needs to go! And I have friends too that need help in some ways and so I hope I will have the time to do it all. Add to this the fact that my website still needs serious updating and that my household still needs my energy in myriad ways and I better stop thinking and just get on with some it and see how it all goes. (Panics slightly! LOL).

Soon the New Year will be here.

And I will be here with it.

It’s precious…it’s very very precious. I can’t think of any grand resolutions. I only hope the New Year will bring me more learning and more time to love & support my family and friends.

Wishing all of you a brilliant, shining, beautiful & HAPPY New Year too! 

Today a wonderful day out on the boat. Pete’s sister and her family stopped over for a day & night en route to South Africa from Seattle and we roped Maurice (Pete’s business partner) into skippering the boat for the lot of us. It was fantastic to be with everyone and the trip on the river was awesome.  It has to be the prettiest time of year for evenings - the bridges were all lit up - along the Thames buildings glowed and  Xmas lights festooned the trees.  Magic.

I had packed enough food for a small army …soup, french bread, cheese & salmon. We ate and laughed and caught up on family news.  The river was rough - at times I thought I might become very religious. My sister in law swore she was not swimming to shore should the worst occur and we agreed (somewhat nervously as the wind and tide fought each other) that we would be glamourous to the end and that the river police would heroically rescue us. No smelly duck poo thames water would touch our bodies thank you!  Then a huge wake hit us and water sprayed up on the deck & I nearly lost the plot!   Perhaps I would swim after all, I thought then. As it was - the boat held firm and we hit dry land without a drop on us!

I was nervous about a day on the boat. My DS is behaving itself again but one never can be sure. A boat is confined space and a DS poo is a stinky affair.   Mercifully things went fine, but I always sweat the stuff like this.

Later we went for a pub meal together  on the wharf…I had calf liver to die for - and black pudding - a thing I can’t bear the thought of but actually rather liked.  I ate more than half of it and then my mind started saying stuff like ‘baked blood ‘ and playing up so I could not do the rest - but I think it could grow on me & my mind might be trainable given time.

My sister in law  bought 2 HUGE boxes of “Butterfingers ‘ - a most delectable chocolate rich with peanut butter for the family. The calories are shocking, but the bar boasts 4 gms of heavenly protein. Still I think I should watch myself on this one!  I get away with sugar murder - but these could push even me into quick regains.

I have loved today  - these are the times I feel most alive.  My family & Petes family mean the world to me.  I had this epiphany when I had my bowel obstruction that I should never again take the rich joy that family is forgranted ever again - and I no longer do.  Sometimes I think as shite as that experience was I have come through it much more afraid, more wary and sometimes I wonder if the terror I had will ever fade - but I also have come out of it wiser and I get the gift that life is very much more intensely now.  I hope it has made me kinder too.  It’s not all been bad.  When that fear thing wriggles in me I remember the immense compassion and kindness that was given to me by Mr Patel & his team & it makes me feel that if I can give back one small fraction of that to the world - maybe I can make up some deficit somewhere.

Pete and I talk about it often.   We have immense gratitude that we are still together & intact.  The other day when I said that I was worried that in the weighing of risks relating to WLS - we are still so blind, Pete said it’s like having a baby - you read about it - you hear of it but then it happens and your whole world changes forever.  He is speaking the truth because  the reality of experiencing a risk is so vastly different from the preconception & words we read on paper.

What we have lived through has changed everything.   And it is not all roses.    As I said my anxiety sometimes threatens to overwhelm me.  Sometimes I am morosely morbid and I think of death so much until I am shaken to the core by my own thoughts and fears.  If not for Pete who is there - to whom I turn when I am most afraid I think psychological help might have been in order.

But I am as usual - shaken & shaken but I am not going to be stirred. I am going to be stronger than my own mental crap.

Today on the river I realised that. I realised that I might have been stripped to my core but I am still here and I am loving every sweet moment of life that I can now in a very different way than before.

Yesterday we went for the sunday pub lunch - something we like to do a couple of times during the month. The truth is I discovered a DSers best kept secret … a fantastic pub/inn  that serve a DS lunch to die for. I fast before I go so that my capacity is excellent!  It has to be - the portions of meat are HUGE - succulent rare beef with horseradish sauce, pork with REAL crackling that is buttery and fresh & applesauce, Lamb juicy and very tasty with mint sauce  (sauces optional). These are my choices but there is usually gammon & Turkey too. Very generously served - true SA style!  Add to that yorkshire puds, crispy roast potatoes, soft baby carrots, cauli cheese, peas, gravy, swede mash….it is a feast.  I go for a few veg,  a small half roast potato, cauli cheese &  carrots.  Then I eat - it takes me a good half hour but I savour each mouthful. All this is astonishing value at just under a tenner per person.

So my DS friends if you fancy a drive to the Inn on the Hill in  Haslemere - it’s well worth it on Sundays when they do the carvery.

http://www.opentable.com/rest_profile.aspx?rid=5839

In fact if you are in the area take a drive to the village of Petworth - a wonderful wonky place full of historical buildings. The countryside is something stunning - the way I imagined an English landscape when I was clueless in SA.  Yesterday we drove along little lanes with hedgerow on the sides and vast open fields and hills. The sky was sultry and the light had the effect of making the grass seeme greener while the old oak trees and woods stood out in stark wintery relief.

I fall in love with England at these times & forget how often I scowl at the thought of yet another drizzly grey day. I think I can live in this place all over again!

I came home stuffed…truly stuffed.  Worked it off by painting the kitchen units in a bid to get back to my goals for next year.  Inbetween I saw a telly program - a medical examiner Dr G,  who investigates the cause of death by autopsy.  The patient was a young woman only 32 who had died.  My ears pricked up when they mentioned she’d had a gastric bypass.    The diagram was deffo RNY.  Dr G spoke at length about the bypass  risks - calcium malabsorption, other malabsorption but my head started to spin when she said she thought the cause of death might be a bowel obstruction. She then went on to say she’d autopsied a few bowel obstruction deaths in the past….mostly caused by adhesions.  God,  it still puts the fear of Hades into me.

Anyway in the end it was not due to the RNY that she’d died, and I was pleased as sometimes I think we get enough bad press.  It was alchohol that had destroyed her liver.  Scared the patooti off me as I know quite a few WLS patients who do drink and I dread that they are harming themselves like this. The liver was very fatty and in very poor shape.

I thought on how we have to take care of our livers as WLS patients.   There was I - thinking that I might do a half glass of red wine for longevity reasons daily….I don’t think so after that! - LOL!

It was sad and poignant.

A fight for life from obesity.  Then an unwon fight for life from Alchoholism.

Life can be a tough place to be sometimes.

The tree must go up this weekend. It’s a huge fantastic plastic job but it looks okay. I thought I was being kind to the planet by using an artificial one but on the telly the other day someone said the plastic ones are often only used for a year or two then thrown in favour of the latest trees….apparently contributing heavily to pollution. Oh deary me. I can at least say we have had our plastic phenomena for 10 years now so that’s not too bad. That’s ten real trees saved.

Matt my youngest will be home for christmas which is great. Looking forward to that.

Tonight Pete and I decided to go to Nandos for a chilli chicken - good stuff. I am eating rather a lot currently - and been on the carbs too the past few days. Never mind - it comes and goes & my protein is not compromised by it. My wind factor is however.
Next week will be mad busy again. Katey (my daughter) and I are going to London for the day. It’s her 21st birthday & she is every bit as gorgeous in my eyes as the day she was born.  I like the city at xmas time - the buzz, lights and the tasters at Harrods -lol! I want to buy some really nice crystal or similar xmas tree decorations as gifts for family & friends this year - so will be doing that as well. Years ago my sister in law bought me a gorgeous glass xmas bauble - each year I especially enjoy it, so I have nicked her idea! Tues - my hair has grown looong - time for the chop. Wed - on the river Thames with family & friends. Reminds me - I must organise lunch - think it will be soup, cheese platters (for the Dser among us! ) and crusty fresh warm bread. Looking forward to this.
Thurs Zen goes to the groomers. He is my best this dog! My little shadow. I think what I like best about animals is they don’t play stupid games. They don’t try to wind people up & they don’t spout ongoing beliefs.

I think I get more like them as I get older. I just don’t have time or energy for peoples crap really. And psychogames - are my worst. I have become very simple really - kind of all stripped down. Sometimes I miss being clever - lol. But really life is better now that I just say it the way I see it.

I have only done a little xmas shopping so far and will complete the rest as usual just days before xmas! But more than anything in the world I can remember being in hospital and asking God to please let me live. And this is my biggest gift this xmas - that I will be with my family. I want nothing more.

I’m off for a cuppa now. Then to bed!

This is a short post for me.  I am running my feet off with 3 birthdays on the 2nd,5th and 11th of Dec in my immeadiate family. It’s my most crazy month of the year as I try to decide what pressies they want vs what they need. Each day needs to be special.   Then after all that Christmas hits me.

I think this year no fancy large dinners - I always say that lol!  :-)  Then I end up slaving away in the kitchen.  But perhaps I will just lay a table full of snacky things on Christmas day & forego the usual Christmas eve dinner.  Shall see.

I am very much better - my bowels are still 3 times a day but I feel like they are in pretty good shape and will adjust further to give me back my once a dayer.  Hope so but if not I won’t shed bitter tears. DS is being a good  right now.
I’m still eating well.  Protein is nicely up there.

Pete’s sister is visiting on the 13th - we are going to go on the boat on the river Thames.  Brrrrr is all I can say. Pete is convinced it will be a wonderful day with blue skies - ever the optimist is my man!  I shall wear my thermal undies. I cannot stand the cold - it hurts my bones.

Well - that’s it for now. x