Dances with DS

I’m getting better for sure. Less pain overall. Still it goes up & down bit like my mood. One day I am in high praise for life and all the virtues the next I am a grouchy old git. I don’t understand myself right now. I just try to take it as it comes.

Today was mostly a high praise for life & the living day. Mr Postman arrived early with two parcels for me - e-bay has beckoned yet again! I was devastated as the gorgeous size 14 linen pants hang off me - and I cannot learn I cannot absorb I am size 10 right now.  When I was a size 14 I was buying size 18. Same diffs. So will have to resell it. Second package is much more successful - I fit into the linen suit perfectly & it is good quality gear. Size 10. But I still hesitated as I looked at the teeny waistline and thought I might have made two expensive mistakes!

Pete and I looked at the blue blue sky here and decided to do one of our infamous drives. We got in the little green car - rolled down the hoodie and made for the Surrey Hills. I love that area and if you read my previous blogs you will know it’s a fav place of mine. It’s where I go to see the bluebell woods, to lie on my big old Oak trees roots and to get back sanity. It’s a place of magical areas - woodland, sombre Pine forests that smell vaguely resinous, rolling hills, streams and rural fields dotted with spring lambs. There are narrow lanes flanked with moss lined banks beneath trees that form tunnels of dappled light. I love especially the fragile small wild flowers that grow in their shade. Pete has to stop so I can look at them - which he always does without complaint, bless.

It’s a fab ride. Sunglasses on - sun on my skin, wind knotting my hair.  Don’t care if I look like I got caught in the spin dryer it is not about vanity.  The little car holds the road nice & tight.
One day I want to live there. I want to look out on a view. I want to be very close to mother nature and feel restful. It has the effect on my guts that Cape Town has - that unknotting sort of centred feeling that I never feel here, trussed in the ghastly surburbia of Hopfield Ave. I still can’t get used to houses that almost look the same - to take-out boxes that blow into our drive, to being overlooked by neighbours. To confinement. Hopfield is a bit like a bowel obstruction for me, so much so that I wonder about the power of my mentality sometimes (say no more). I am grateful for my back garden at least where I can forget my location, where there is an old apple tree to sit under and a pond and many beautiful little birds to watch. It could be worse…but I am now evaluating my life bigtime thanks to the bowel obstruction and realising there are some changes that must be made as soon as I am back up to my old energy levels again. It’s rather frustrating as I feel very trapped by this slow semi functioning body right now & can’t galvanise things into action.
We stopped high up on a hill at a lovely restaurant & ate very gourmet meals sunning ourselves on a huge wooden deck with views over the landscape to die for. I had a duck confit, very tasty. In all today has been great on the protein front and my capacity right now is okay in all. I am not drinking enough though . Need to keep aspiring.

So a wonderful spring day out in the countryside. I feel relaxed and refreshed.

I think I was over optimistic about dropping the tramadol pinkillers because it has been a nasty weekend full of pulling sensations and pain. I wish I had not tried to jump the gun and survive on paracetamol because it hardly dents the pain. I live for my late night tramadol. But tomorrow is another day & hopefully another prescription.

Slowly unpacking some stuff I brought from hospital today I found my early morning writings…I scrawled stuff onto paper before the crack of dawn because I would usually wake up and find my head thick with thoughts…

‘Sometimes early in the morning lying in this pained body, groaning on the breath, my own whine and hum too evident in my voice (why can’t I just be brave?) I taste fear. Fear that now my life has changed forever. Have I a future? Or will it be fraught with more surgeries - adhesions, god only knows what more abdominal suprises to expect.

I know it does not serve me to dwell on these things - who knows of the future in any event & yet some nights I am a relentless obsessing tossing doubting Thomasina!’

Later in the morning after writing the above, after being too alone in my fearland - I reached out to my Edie next door. Actually her name is Renee, but we (Lesley & I) call her Edie by a strange mistaken fluke and she loves it! ‘Actually..’ she tells us (when we fear we might be confusing her in some way by hr new name) …’I don’t like people who call me Renee normally.’ Well that seals it then - Edie it is with hifen on the last ‘E’ too! She is 70 years old, but you’d not think it. We don’t notice her age - she has spirit. ‘Edie I am so afraid sometimes.’ I can say it to her. I can tell her, she understands fear - she has had cancer and some bowel cut out and she and I know the pain of the abdomen. We are sisters in it. She said one day - ’see Jane if we listen deep in the back in our voices is a kind of whine of pain and I can’t wait till it goes.’ Suddenly I caught my own breathy whine then…she was spot on as usual. The thing is this - I think something and write it down & then soon after Edie does her confirmation bit for me…she is quite pyschic I think!

She has a sassy wit, bold attitude and somehow through it all we still laughed a lot. Laughter is an important healer when the days are long and the voice has a whine to it. In the bed directly opposite me is my lovely Lesley. We just connected from day one. Same language - same dimension. Both two foodies - she ate for me. ‘Jerk Fish, Jerk Chicken, Halaal Meat….I must have driven her mad. ‘What you eating for lunch today Lesley? How does it taste? Is it good? ‘ Bless her everyday she would tell me about her meal with great detail & I would dream of food in my mouth! What made me smile was her condiments. This girl comes EQUIPPED. Sea salt no less. Avocado pears and tomatoes, honey, vinegar - I kid you not. Her area looks like a mini kitchen. I can’t eat - it’s liquids only for several days so Les eats and we play games. If I could eat I would have: soft boiled eggs, fillet steak with cheese sauce, home made apple tart and REAL custard…we all chip in with our wish lists.
Lesley is my mirror. She writes with the soul of a poet. Read me Lesley - read me more & lesley read us her wonderful work and recited movingly beautiful poems. I forgot my pain in those readings it was good stuff.
I felt the better each morning for seeing that gorgeous face looking back at me - god knows I needed to borrow her beauty because my own face was haunted, sunken and not a pretty vision. Edie was honest - she said I looked like death had come… my gaunt pale face and flapping gown gave her the spooks one night! The three of us encouraged, upheld , empowered, comforted one another through the long days and nights. Once Edie was crying of pain and I snuck into her little cubicle and just was there with her 100% - I think it helped a little to just have human presence. Once I had a giant coughing fit and it made me cry out in pain - and suddenly Edie was with me holding a cushion down on my stomach god bless her. ‘Ssssshhh shhh little one it will pass it will pass!. Edie always called me little one. This felt wonderful but strange as I still cannot percieve myself as little - that old obesity thingie lurks within me forever it seems. Sometimes one of us was too weak or distressed to call a nurse & the other two would do the bleeper thing!

We had some wonderful times us girls. Sometimes I laughed so much my poor dishevelled bowel would ache like the blazers. Once Edie came out proudly proclaiming that she had a new Gucchi bag…swanning down the center isle between the beds she showed us her brand new catheter bag. I swear if it was not full of urine I might just have believed her!

One fine day our Lesley took it upon herself to contact a long lost possibility - full of the promise of possible romance and still seeking some beauty in relationships, bless her, she wrote him a dramatic morphine induced letter asking such bizarre things as : ‘Do you know what it is like to be in hospital???’ The piece de resistance: she signed it : ‘lesley from long ago.’ The next morning when the morphine had worn off she was beside herself - ‘omg’ - she cried from across the way - ‘listen to what I wrote and god knows Janey I just clicked the button and it was GONE and I wanted to pull it back out of cyberspace!!!’. I had to agree that the man probably had refitted all his locks and thrown away his old keys, changed his phone number etc. We laughed hysterically at the idea of him thinking she was writing from a psychiatric ward or something. ‘Lesley from long ago.’ Sounds like a bad gone with the wind impression Les, but I still laugh myself sore just thinking about it! Omg woman! LOL.
Then there was the nurse who woke up on the wrong side of her bed and everyones bed for that matter. She stormed in nightly - angry and irritated and treated us like shite basically. She ignored Lesley several times and yanked out her drip with no cleaning of it afterwards. She reduced me to tears one night after my bedpan spilt urine all over my bed. Deep humiliation and I was too weak & vulnerable to defend myself. One night I listened to Edie sobbing in pain for several hours ringing her buzzer for help and still no nurse several hours later. Eventually she had to self medicate herself which was no mean feat. I was mad but Edie had her wits about her. In the morning the nurse swanned into the room to give us meds. Edie then gave her a severe dressing down. She spoke about how we patients relied on the nurses not because we wanted too but out of deep need. She spoke of dignity. She spoke about how our treatment should encompass respect. Not a raised voice - no anger - just firm, lucid & very very genuine. She put forward our cases. She said it like it was. She must have spoken iro 15 minutes. At first the nurse protested but later I heard her use a term of respect that I recognise from Africa & I knew Edie had moved her.

That night a completely transformed nurse arrives in our ward. Calling us her darlings and going out of her way to do right by us all. She gave us each extra special care and was jovial & smiling. We had to verify with each other that it was actually the same person so transformed was she. Her entire face had changed. Amazing. She really must have been stressed and Edies talk did some deep clearing and healing. Late in the night as she changed my drip I told her I had utmost respect for her as a person because she had so swung things around and I appreciated her care. We chatted about how sometimes it is stressful to have a perfectionistic streak etc. It was all quite magical really.
I better add that all the nurses there were JEWELS and this was our only difficult experience - and even this nurse did what she could to redress her previous behaviour after Edies talk.

My time in hospital was made magic by Edie & Lesley. When I felt like throwing in the towel they somehow made me stronger. They helped me not be too self absorbed. Many a night we would have deep philosophical discussions (at least it seemed so!) and even the nurses would come & join in. It was good fun & the ward had a lot of warmth and a sense of fun about it. People came in there for a day or two  - and told us they felt hope again.
Lesley and I still chat on the phone every week. She still makes me feel stronger, that one! I will call our Edie this week to catch up with her. I hear she had a birthday in the same week I did! We are both spring babies - I need to chat with her about us going forwards and trying to live in our births seasonal significance of renewel & possibility.

We three hope to meet up when we are all free of pain and to do something together in the future.

I discovered last night at Ken Hom’s Yellow River Restaurant that I can EAT again. Yikes!

What is it that at home my capacity seems merely small to average(on a very good day) right now, but eating out I can do it bigtime!

When my youngest son was five years old he always asked after a meal ‘What’s for pud mum?’

One day my hubby said ‘Matty you can’t possibly have space for any pud after that huge meal you just ate.’

To which he replyed quick as a flash, ‘Ah but dad you don’t know that I have a seperate pud tummy.’

I think I must have a seperate restaurant tummy.

We ordered a huge feast (I think we lost the plot for a moment!)…I had for starters

1 chicken satay

4 prawn wotons

several tablespoons of crispy seaweed

followed by:

a hefty portion of crispy duck

then

a piece of beef in chili soy sauce

plenty of prawns and scallops

a little rice

and finally:

a pancakes with maple syrup & vanilla ice cream

A large Mango Juice.

The upside is it was utterly delicious and Pete and I had a great time together . He always makes me laugh and never bores me!

The downside is that the lav saw me bleary eyed, several times in the night…well I had it coming! Also I had a weird dream that an 80yr old friend had the DS in Johannesburg with an RNY surgeon (rolls eyes!)…she came for dinner 7 weeks out and I asked if she wanted beef or chicken livers. She plumped for the beef so I cooked and served it. Then she was still hungry so I cooked the chicken livers too and she ate all of it. Then in the dream I panicked and was full of alarm over her capacity and I was trying hard not to show her my concerns! Mmmmmmmmmm……….lol!
Today I have much less pain. I am thinking of going off the Tramadol in the day onto paracetomal and then taking the last of my Tramadols at night only for a few more days.

I am able to sleep on my side - also a blessed relief. There is progress all the time and I feel much more positive. I don’t think I can describe how shattering such a thing is - how easily one could stall in a deep depression…and I now understand that better than ever. It has taken me some time to get a grip and it takes daily effort to try to feel positivity in an authentic way. Part of it is to highlight ones progress because the progress is real & one can be pleased about it. ( I can’t bear contrived positivity when deep down the whole shibunkin is festering. Sooner deal with authentic depression tbh.)

Then there is the good old anger and here I do stall. I feel mad at my GP for not hearing me when I said I was not right and had a hernia.

I feel angry with the doctors and surgeon at the local hospital  who refused to give me a life saving CT Scan but even angrier with myself that it never occured to me just to pay for it privately! It never crossed my mind that it was boiling down to economics over a persons safety.

I get angry that all my energy now goes into recovery when I had so many plans…and angry that I have fears now.  It’s probably all a part of this process really…and I take it into account but at the same time I do see the blessings in this - there are not only negatives. I think of Mr Patel who was there for me at an ungodly hour of the morning and the many lovely staff at Kings that encouraged me to keep going…and on how I am alive with no disatrous effects…so there are blessings and it helps ease off the angers considerable. I think eventually I will just see the blessings.   My hairdresser asked if and how I see things differently after this. Yes, I do is the short answer.

How?  Well, problems I thought I had are just wee blips now - small challenges in the face of going through this.

I know every bumpy road in my local area now. OUCH!

My family is EVERYTHING to me…even more so than I can express.

I notice small things all the time - little beautiful things - flower buds, babies smiling, how beautiful an old face can be, how nice sunshine feels on ones face, the vivacity of colour.

A thing like this simultaneously throws one off orbit & realigns one all in one fell swoop. It is rather shocking but one must trust necessary too perhaps.

Well rambling on. Time to go for the dressing & the packing at the local surgery - oh yuck! Still - there is no infection and it is getting smaller. I am just dead squeamish.

Thinking I might try to create a necklace later on today if I can get it together - shall see!

Appended late at night:

No necklace forthcoming. Instead I visited the charity shops as my size 12 trousers are so baggy on me and  even if temporary I needed a few decent trousers. Thank heavens for charity shops. I found a stunning pair of cords, a pair of tweed trousers and a nice pair of jeans for 12 squid the lot!  All size 10 with space to spare - holy cow!  I plan regain as I feel too thin but for now these will tide me over.  Was delighted to find a soft warm top in a vile colour - baby ice blue is not my thang. Never mind it is warm and good bed gear.  Also procured a brand new granny vest. I am soooo cold I just think warmth all the time now! Sad!  Piece of wild flamboyance deeply unbefitting for the weather here - a gorgeous silk skirt in teal blue - long and stunningly beautiful with a gorgeous sari type trim on it. I put it on and I feel okay.  Quite in my element infact, though I suspect if I wore it in my local Tescos it would draw disaproving stares - so perhaps I shall then ;-).

Today - ate less. Always find a huge meal the day before results in less the following day.  But getting all protein in at least.

Pain - still here - a nagging ache - sometimes a wee stab if I move too quickly. Odd numbness all around the scar & the open bit still hurts. But all normal I think.  Off the tramadol in the day now and onto paracetamol though. Happy to see the old tramadol tonight though…need it’s sweet relief. 

I don’t know if Mr Patel ever looks at this blog but I thought I would blog it anyway - THANK YOU MR PATEL and your FAB team for giving me my birthday today. I can’t put in words enough how grateful I am.

Also many thanks to the incredible support of all of you my friends and WLS family. You really don’t know how much you all held me together and gave me strength.
And final thanks through the airwaves to those complete strangers who did exceptionally kind things not even knowing me & who will probably never know I even wrote this. There is a lady called Carol who I bought something from on e-bay. When Pete contacted her to say he would pay but still had to work out the system & explained my situation she wrote back saying she wanted no payment, to take the item to me as a gift from her and that she hoped it would put a smile on my face. I am still deeeply touched by this, so if by a miracle you ever read this Carol…Thank You, it still makes me smile and probably always will.

I know I was way too close to that old valley of death. I feel extremely blessed today to be here with all my loved ones. It’s the ultimate birthday prezzie is LIFE. Today I have looked into the faces of my children, of my husband and I feel the gift of all of this very deeply - but now I am getting very soppy, pass out all the buckets …lol! Still - moving through an experience does this to one - it softens one up, it sorts out one’s humility and makes one see many things more clearly and it certainly worsens any soppiness one might be prone to - I warn you all! There is much I have learned from it.

I walked through the garden just looking at how stunning springtime is and enjoying all this abundance of nature with new eyes. The Maple collection I have is in full swing - utterly gorgeous and one of my favourite trees. 2 Fat wood pidgeons strutted on the lawn - this is pidgeon convention heaven. The cherry and plum blossom is out - every year I dream of a tree of organic plums but the squirrels are too fast off the mark! I won’t net the trees ever as I can’t bear the idea of small animals being entangled in net. A handful of plums will do me!

I have been spoilt with e-mails, phone calls and gifts. Pete bought me a satellite navigation system for my car - it’s so fantastic! I have a fear of being lost so this means I simply can let that go and just drive! I think it is an incredibly thoughtful lovely gift. For days he has said I was getting something that would change my life - regaling me with how one day we will all be like computers and able to just think things to happen (OMG)…and I was thinking it might be a new brain chip of some kind -lol! So some relief here today. A nav system is a much better option. I have been given swish chocs (and I shall enjoy them greatly!) and a lovely set of skin creams. I am having a great time :-). Tonight we are going out for a meal and I am looking forward to that. I shall toast to the good health of each and every one of us WLS patients. On friday a dear friend is cooking me a birthday lunch - it’s so nice when ones birthday travels into other days a bit!

On the recovery front - I am doing well. I am feeling more alive each day and more determined to continue to live my life as best and as fully as I possibly can.

I am taking an age to recover. It’s probably all very normal really but I want to get up and go go go in the old manner! Instead I get knackered just doing simple things. Even a longish conversation leaves me tired and needing sleep - it is just silly!

I am centered around eating and sleeping still. I eat a small meal every few hours and try for nutritious stuff, but still on a slight carb bint. I have to be careful to stay in my carb comfort zone because if I overdo it I will bloat and that is a scary thought. I think right now eating little and often is better for my bowel than eating a full on meal. It is a delicate balancing act. I don’t want to overdo things on the bowel front…by the same token the bowel must know it has got to work.

I’m still washing solid meals down with milk and take care to chew well. I am fixated with cottage pie and rustle up a fast one thanks to M&S. I buy the mince, cook it with onions, courgettes and a little finely cut red pepper plus some fresh garlic…then add to this a jar of M&S caramalised onion sauce and then over this spread their ready made creme fraiche mash which I microwave. So fast to make - takes under 15 mins and is seriously good.

Yogurt, cheese, fish, mash, sweet potatos, broccolli, milk, mince, avo, banana, custard, honey, chicken slow cooked and in sauce, are my main foods right now. Not much of a repatoire there but it does me well right now.

I still live in the world of pain. I wish I could get used to it but pain is always suprising. The good thing is the awful back pain is nearly gone and I feel the pain more localised. I got a repeat prescription for Tramadol …after this packet I will just do paracetomal if I need it. I’m wary of getting addicted..thing is it takes around 5 mins and I am just numbed by it. It’s merciful stuff. But the downside is it makes my head very fuzzy and as you can see this does nothing for my spelling.
I am improving though I have fits of self pity, I am sorry to admit. I also have fears psychollogically - stupid irrational things that bear down on me, when I am very tired usually. I think I might die in the night and at the time I believe it. Yeah right! It’s soooo morbid! Then I get all afraid to sleep and my mind scares itself on it’s stupid tangent. I ask Pete - ‘I am okay right? … I am improving right?’ so many times a day…he is superbly patient and long suffering and always reassures me whole heartedly bless him. I am recipient of a great deal of love. I am very lucky to have him and three beautiful adult children that hold me steady through these difficult times.

I start for the first time to understand the need to create a God when one is afraid and weak. I think in one’s own mire of fear, hate etc a God is a good thing. It can’t hurt to have a benevelont all loving archetypal figure watching over one at times like this. And I feel the energy goes somewhere too.

I think on my travelling days and I mourn the loss of courage I now have. I fear it is all over for me. I am too afraid again. I am so full of ‘what if’s’ again. I know when I feel stronger this will require a head on approach, much like I did by flying out alone to Hong Kong some years after my DS but right now I don’t have it in me. I am even afraid to go to SA now in May despite knowing a surgeon (my brother in law who will recommend a gastro we will ask to be on standby)… patience - patience - I am all too short on this quality!

Interesting thing….a few days ago my lap scars healed beautifully - there is hardly a trace of them at all. I can run my fingers over them - not a trace of pain or sqeamish feelings. Mr P cuts a mean fine lap hole that is for sure! My big scar though is another story. It hurts. It itches madly. It is open at the top thanks to the hematoma…it still seeps a little if I cough though it is healing and is infection free. There is still packing going on which is not painful but is uncomfy and I feel so squeamish every time. I cannot look at it yet. I just can’t. I know I had to have it and it was right to do things this way and I am just grateful I am alive and had no bowel loss…but what is fascinating to me is how very different these two ways of surgery are. Without a doubt I would (in NORMAL circumstances) - opt for lap anyday. It is just chalk and cheese. But tell you what in an emergency - just cut me open FAST! I can live with it. ;-)Still - interesting to see the effects of both methods on one body and to experience first hand the vast differences.

I do feel somewhat vindicated now that in the past I have opined on the support group that I favour laprascopy by an expert hand, for normal uneventful surgeries.

Still weighing in at 54 kilos. Still a bit of the hollow eye look. And way too much self obsession again. I am actually quite tired of my self fixations . I think I must accept it will take time. I think on how my DS wiped away my past and I felt so free - so incredibly released. This Bowel obstruction - I feel it has wiped away my future on some level even though lets face it I am lucky to be alive and intact. I need to be more positive you know. I need to cultivate that now more than ever. I feel I am in Limbo land still and like I look into this void. I can’t figure it but the good thing is that it does give my life an immediacy and a being right here in the now sort of feeling. Maybe I will adapt to it yet.
Yesterday I went for the DEXA scan - mmmm. He said nowt but had a very furrowed brow - maybe I am just imagining things…I hope so. I am a bit worried right now about my vit /calcium status but too afraid to move towards a solid bowel movement just yet. I know taking the full doseage will result in this. I want my bowel to have more recovery time. About the same time as a new DSer - 5 weeks or so? Not sure in my case. I am taking 2 Vita 4 Life a day right now. I might try 3/4 next week - there must be a point where it solidifies the stool…if I can find the level before it does that I might be onto something!

I am big on the milk. I like it moving past my cells and hope it is giving me enough calcium right now plus other vits. I make it with coffee - latte style, with honey and cinnamon sticks (my fav) with tea, cardomom, cinnamon for a good chai.

Strangely I who never drink am craving alcohol. I have only once in my life been drunk (as a teen) and I hated it - the lack of control - the vile taste throwing up! So I don’t understand it myself. It’s illogical… plus with tramadol - no - I don’t think so! So what on earth is this??? Anyway I just will leave it alone and it will probably pass.

Pete is off to play golf today. I of course got all insecure - ‘take your mobile - when will you be back etc!’ It is so stoopid and I hate my dependency right now. Now he has gone and I think it is wonderful that he is having some time to himself today. And I am just fine really and enjoying pottering around a little today.

Added:

We went for a drive with the hood down on my little MX. Love it. It was cold but the wind in my hair and some sun on my very heavily dressed bod was good. And the Landscape even better. We drove through little villages approaching the Surrey Hills from the Guildford side this time. It is magic. Daffodils are everywhere and the blossom is thick on the trees. We passed farmlands and Lakes and Pete made me laugh when he saw some swans - ‘birdflu’ he said! Everywhere there was light dancing on the green fields and well fed sheep and cows. It feels so good to be alive at these times.

Decided to weigh myself today - 54 kilo’s (think that’s around 8 and a half stone.). BMI 21. Too thin for me - I need to get this up. I am eating like a hungry silkworm at the moment - continously it feels…but I think much of the food is going into healing and I shall probably gain only once the healing is done. Shall see. Who would have thought one day I would have to think of gaining some & so late in the game too.
Yesterday my neighbour said she was jealous of my weight - omg. Who could be jealous of this? I know she meant it well and without rancour but I worry for the world sometimes I really do.

Today I woke up in pain but the old painkillers are a bonus. I am up now and eating and feel ok. Avo, soft steak, grated cheese, peppers pureed, burgens bread. An odd breakfast but just what I felt like. Hot cinnamon honey milk on standby to wash it down & keep it fluidy in the tum.

I get cravings - plenty of them - and I just listen. Right now I want Salmon so badly! Oddly I also want more carb than usual. I think my body is smarter than me right now. The problem with this is one cannot buy a lot of food and stockpile it because much of it would go to waste. I am able to walk a small supermarket - did so yesterday - and though knackered afterwards, the exercise is a good thing and I can kind of shop on demand.
My concentration is zero and I do have to complete some e-bay work which I find daunting right now. I can’t get a necklace together as I just don’t have that sort of ability right now - it is strange and I hope it is just the tramadol causing this lack of concentration for now.

I, who never watch videos have recently been a tv addict! It’s so easy to just sit there. We watched The Chronicles of Narnia ~ the Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe. I thought it was utterly fantastic and really enjoyed it. I also watched a movie called ‘What the bleep do we know!’ While some of it was amatuerish the message was incredible and I was captivated . A lot about Quantum Physics which has always fascinated me … some wonderful people too - I took a deep shine to the marvellous Professor of Theology and with respect, I am suprised the Church has not crucified him yet. Perhaps it has developed since my hesitant ventures into the fold a long time ago! I kept thinking if prayer and positive thoughts could cause water to make beautiful patterns then I too can influence my poor old body to heal faster and to be stronger. I do wonder to myself often what it is deep within me that has caused this ongoing abdominal surgery scenario - 8 surgeries is enough….I don’t think this is all a wild coincidence and if there is something to be revealed I think I would rather that than yet more surgery later on *YIKES!*. Thinking about visiting a very special person to get to the bottom of this and help me break the pattern for good - but this must wait until I am stronger and able to travel again (if I can get the courage together.)

Travelling is a worry for me - I was planning to go to Istanbul for a few days the very week this happened and I dread to think how it might have been if I was in Istanbul suffering a BO. I know I will get my courage back - but it will take time to feel I can do travelling alone again. Something I shall have to build up from scratch again.
It’s very good to be home. Sitting here at my studio window I enjoy the garden that has broken into blossom. Just outside my window is a maple tree and it is visited by all manner of delicate little birds…so close to me it feels I could reach out and touch them! In the old red beech are a pair of pretty wood pidgeons. The pond is full of frogs and spawn. Spring is here. So beautiful!

Well, not to me I hoped! I knew the stats before I went for surgery & I knew the risks very well but I felt 2% for the worst case scenario (second to death) was viable & highly unlikely to be in my future. Bowel obstructions only happen to others along with ulcers and the more difficult side of WLS! I have had a joy ride for almost 4 years of impeccable DS health really…only a few resolvable deficiences have presented with me …but this - holy cow who would have thought! Certainly not me, I really hoped not!

Anyway, my denial was not complete. Oddly I may have had a weird premonition because very early in my DSday I contacted my surgeon after reading a series of patients under a reknowned DS surgeon in the US where being called back after too many got bowel obstructions due to the mesentary not being closed up during surgery. I wanted to know he had indeed closed my mesentary and he wrote back to say I should not worry - he’d closed mine up. I breathed the proverbial sigh of relief and the fear of it dropped further away - but not completely. For two years into my DS I carried a paper in my car and wallet informing any medical pro’s that might ever need it of my DS status, my surgeons number, my personal contacts. At the bottom I included a list of diagnoses instructions - ie CT SCAN is the way NOT X-RAY. And more. Makes me laugh bitterly because they never listened to me face to face once it all struck … why would I think they would actually obey my pirece of scrappy paper then!

I don’t know quite when this began. A few months ago I felt something ’squishy ‘ in my abdomen…it just felt odd. I went to my GP and told him I thought I had a hernia…I told him of the feelings. He felt but could feel nothing. I think now it would have been fantastic had he decided to scan me - we might have found the beginnings of this and instead of a mega crises it would have been a small lap procedure to see me right? But perhaps not - I speculate. I also felt tired & as usual self prescribed myself what labs I felt I needed. Iron & Albumin. My iron was very very low at 6. I was not called into the practice - so I began to self medicate with additional 2 ferrous sulphate a day. I was told albumen was normal but later at the hospital the doctor told me it was actually low - no one told me.

Could these have been markers to my upcoming situation? - again I just don’t know but whether or not - this info is still vital to me - I NEED to know if my protein levels are low because I work with my DS 100% 24 hours a day. I nurse it - medicate it - I live it in every way, for better or worse but mostly for better. I have faith that I can turn around such deficiency situations but I need that input to do so. But I digress.

The saga of the Bowel Obstruction begins 3 weeks ago. I had a lovely meal only to find myself rolling about on the bed for around an hour with severe pain in the abdominal region. After much moaning and weeping and I admit some cussing, it went away and I was very relieved. However the next day the same thing occurred along with a lot of burping that day(not something I usually do.) I have to say this was when I had a little inkling it might be a bowel obstruction in process as when my mate Ken had his, he mentioned this burping thing…and it kept haunting me. But still I am an optimist I was hoping for an ulcer or simple hernia instead - lol! Still it was a severe pain & I needed medical input so off we went to our local hospital. There I clearly explained my DS to the doctor on duty and asked to please get a cat scan. A cat scan is vital for DS bowel obstruction diagnoses & my plan was I would send it as fast as possible to my surgeon in Germany - it would confirm whether I needed to take fast action and fly out there. My surgeon was on standby and doing all he could not to panic me but at the same time to let me know he was waiting in case. The doctor refused the CT scan. Instead she took x-rays and both she and someone higher up (I forget who) looked over them and saw nothing out of place. Her diagnoses - you have a virus.

I wanted to believe that very badly so I came home, wrote letters to my alarmed family informing them of the false alarm and made myself a bite to eat - oh sorrow! Within seconds I had severe pain once more, was vomiting and I knew this was no virus. Again it passed after 2 hours or so but I felt sick and I had fear. The next day I went back to the same Hospital having experienced considerable pain in the morning. My bowel was working, I had some wind and was burping an odd long sequence and I felt very nauseous.

I had to get that CT scan - I was really fixated on it as a sort of survival thing - I was still hoping I could get to Frankfurt if it was justified by the scan. I think one loses ones logic in such situations - I was dealing with a pain of 10 on the scale of 10 and I had CT scan on the brain. I begged the doctor attending to me for help in this matter - repeatedly. I am a proud old goat - but I begged and tried to reason and justify. No luck. All I got for my trouble and humiliation was another x-ray. In desperation I barked that of course they would see nothing as I NEEDED A CT SCAN… but the response was - we have done 2 x-rays and there is no evidence you have anything wrong with you. Therefore we can’t give you a CT scan.

(Now how is that for logic!)

Diagnoses: Colic.

My response: yep right.

Pete’s response: do you realise my wife could have an obstruction and there is 30% mortality rate for this condition?

My pain now was rising to 15 on the scale of 10. My back felt raw as though something was burning in it, I could not locate one source of pain abdominally - it was full on. I suppose I must have been brave as the doc seemed unmoved from his diagnoses despite my rising pain and panic. I still wonder why I did not just start screaming hysterically - but pain is odd - I had no energy to scream even though I wanted too. I was drenched in perspiration and wanted to throw up but had no strength for that either. Pain is a strange land - I think I did a lot of moaning but tbh I can’t remember. By this time both Pete and I knew exactly what it was and that time was short. Pete started to get angry and the doctor fetched the surgeon…who seemed to concur on the colic diagnoses. This was too much for Pete and at this point we decided it was getting too dangerous to be playing guessing games and that we needed to contact Mr Patel ( a DS surgeon in London.) . At this stage Mr P began to move things fast and before I knew it we were driving to Kings Cross in London. I don’t recall much of the drive as the pain was divorcing me from reality. I do wish they had given me pain killers for the trip but I don’t recall getting any.
As soon as I was admitted a CT Scan was done and at 3.30 am surgery was performed by the brilliant Mr Patel and his team.
I had a hernia & two holes open in my mesentary - through which my bilieo limb had crept finally twisting around on itself at the anastamosis right on the CC. I think this is what transpired but I might be wrong - Mr P began lap but saw the limb was a grey colour and ischeamic and rightly he decided to go open and get the job done as fast as possible. He had to recut the join at the CC and unkink it. Luckily the limb went pink on connection and I lost no bowel. I know this is all thanks to this incredible dedicated surgeon who got up from his sleep to attend to me and who took fast action.

I awoke and I remember first thing feeling for a colostomy bag. Oh my relief, my relief! I felt only a bandage - no bag!

My recovery has been somewhat slow I think. I don’t know why I always thought of such surgeries as more minor than the original DS - now I know that is not the truth really. Part of it might be that my body decided to go a bit freaked on itself in the first week when I had no access to food - it seemed to remove all my small fat deposits like a suction machine - suddenly I had no boobs left and no butt to speak of! It’s fearsome how the body is in these situations really. I know I sound like a drama queen but I feel like my body suddenly ate itself to a degree. I was already a bit calorie deficient from the week before when eating became a fearful thing so I chose not to eat very much. Oddly my labs look mostly normal (only the old B12 too high) despite this sudden change, though I wonder if later on I will need to align things nutritionally…I can only wait and see and do what I can for now. I think I gave several family members terrible scares when they saw me post surgery.

But now - I am up to working on it. I have a small plan of action - am eating every 3-4 hours - still hesitant with solids which I chew very carefully to a pulp in my mouth and wash down with milk. My bowel has changed (of course!) - I am very steato and the stools are very soft yet oddly enough formed… most of the time. I do have a fair amount of Mr Whippy. I go twice in the morning and once at night but I know once I can move to 3 meals a day the night time one will stop. I think it is all very promising and healthy at this stage & I am well pleased. Thankfully I am having no reaction to milk and this is something I constantly bathe my cells in - I sip it constantly through the day when not eating. It provides fluid and protein both things I need right now. I am not on the vitamins yet - mostly as I know they will bind my stool and right now I think soft stool is better for my bowels?. Might be wrong but I am nervous. I am eating 6 kiddies jelly vits a day though - no minerals in them just ADEC and a bit of zinc. Today I hesitantly took 2 V4L the plan being that I think I will give this around 4 weeks before going to say 5-6 of the V4L and depending how it goes to go from there.

Foodwise I am very focussed on protein again ( Ialways am but I truly need it now & I feel the need in craving form!) - I have really enjoyed soft boiled eggs and cheese as part of my diet - yogurt is wonderful - I have greek with honey and mashed banana. I had a craving for avocado pears even though they don’t have much protein - but I heed the call! Last night I ate with trepidation fillet steak which I had slow cooked until very soft - ooooo it was good. I was scared about it this morning but the bowels worked very well. Pete says I look less guaunt…I don’t know I don’t recognise myself very much right now so am not doing any mirror looking stuff. People I know look at me and I see a bit of shock in their eyes. Some pretend all is normal - others are visibly openly communicative about the changes they see in me. I feel weak, easily tired and somewhat frustrated that I must move along slowly…I want to run - I want to travel - I am mad I think! But I am also tremendously grateful that everything worked out - that considering scenarios of Bowel obstruction this was an excellent outcome, and there is not a moment I don’t carry in me the incredible action of Mr P and his team and a deep gratitude. Imagine if they had not been there - it bears not thinking about.

An experience like this gets one thinking on many levels. Suddenly I know nothing! Funny how when this sort of thing happens all knowledge gets washed away. One becomes a receptacle of raw human emotion. Logic helps not a jot. I have learned many a lesson yet again. I try to get it on the bigger scale but I can’t - I’m not intelligent enough. But I do see how several things that happened to me this year that I could not understand at the time cohesify with this happening. I have been given, in my heart, through this most violent thing, oddly a measure of peace & acceptance.

Enough now - I am so very tired and in need of the good old tramadol painkiller - I will write again - perhaps a little about my time in hospital. I kept a jagged little diary - badly written on scrap paper - late at night when my head needed clearing - I’ll share some of it when I can.
I am off to the nurses at our local surgery to get a part of my wound packed - not fun but a little thing in the big picture. I might try a small walk to buy some milk and some liver for my dinner tonight and then I will rest again.