Dances with DS

I am undergoing a DS change yet again. I’m not lying when I tell people this WLS is a process - something that plods along and then suddenly the direction changes. I’d not expected late weightloss, but it is here. I am now BMI 22.5. And with it have come changes. I cannot seem to eat as much as I could before. Even when I try!
I think it has something to do with the new body size. Is it possible at this weight I DO actually need less calories to sustain myself on? Just as when I was obese I need LOADS of calories - note NEEDED…(not wanted). I think so…for me my body has always known it’s needs from the outset of my DS. I don’t know how I overlooked this simple thing. I think my head ganders on and I looked at everything else but this small elusive fact.

Sometimes the answers are so simple we overlook them.

I have been lost by this - knocked a bit out of orbit as I am a creature of routine. 3 meals 2 snacks has been my way for a long time. New tactics are needed and I have decided that I will for a while eat 8 small snack like meals a day. I think I will find this easier than pushing down a full plate of food. No doubt this will change again. I think I want to up myself to BMI 24 again if possible because right now I am a tad scrawny. I kind of like being a little filled out. I also think my iron levels might improve if I eat more. 
My clothes hang off me again…but they will have to hang a while. Every penny is being saved to get to Cape Town. Godswilling I do really well and can make a trip to buy stock for my little business before the planned May, but life is uncertain right now & we might have to go at short notice as Petes folks are very very frail.

I am still working round the clock to try to fit everything in and still run my home (which I am doing badly right now.). Seems there is always something that must give. I am not the greatest at being organised either. It’s going to have to improve. And fast.

I am also fighting the iron related fatigue. It comes on me suddenly and I feel so weak. I think I shall up the meds a while. I have no doubt I will beat it - it is just a case of when.

Well onwards we go - this week I shall be creating many diverse pieces - I look forward to that. I have very much enjoyed the feedback ‘my girls’ (people who buy my necklaces) give me - it is good to be making attractive things that give others joy too. I am encouraged by the good feedback I am getting and sweet little notes - makes me feel I can explore my creativity and there are buyers for it. I have met like minded people on this road - who share interests with me. It’s really good for me to branch out and be doing what I love the most in a bigger way.   Currently I am working with making very complex adjustable pieces that allow the buyer to create from them something individual for themselves using my basic design as a basis. I like the idea of a woman being able to add her own stamp to what she wears.
Pete & I went to London to buy parts and again I am reminded of just how expensive it all is. I think I must get more savvy and travel to buy, to keep my overheads lower. I know the same stuff in Istanbul would cost me a third of the price. Cape Town too is a good source of well priced Gemstones.  It’s a huge learning curve. I’m thinking too of adding small antiques into the fray as these go down very well. Just a case of dragging myself to auctions cold weather or not!
I connect with my mum a lot more often now. Her miniature Snauzer pups (all 6!) Have found good homes. As is her usual generosity of spirit she gave one away to someone who really needs the little bean. My mum is special this way - she always sees first the human side of things. I wish I could have seen the pups. They are apparently a bunch of little characters. I have been regaled with speak of them and in a way I feel I know them. But as is long distance - I will have to make do with photo’s.

I have been working hectically. I have not seen the world lately - my life is comprised of a long dashing about to the Post Office or I sit hunched in my studio working hard. The good news is my business has started to do well. I have sold 5 necklaces and a couple of earrings this week so I am dead chuffed. Last week I also did well. I recieved a lovely note from the person who bought my begging bowl promising me that he would really care for his kashkul and that it was a beautiful piece and he was very pleased with his buy. So nice.

On the jewellery front I listed my stuff with great trepidation fearing that no one would buy it. It’s crap to be so personal about ones work… I lose objectivity. I really was afraid I was entering into something that would be a great disapointment. To my surprise it seems this is not the case - several necklaces sold outright on Buy it now. My most expensive one took 3 bids. I feel vindicated to really do what I love now - to create pieces that are different and thank heavens for that! For a while things went slowly and I thought I would have to enter mainstream type of jewellery & sell my soul. The dosh is nice but what is better is that people really like my work. I have sold privately before but hesitated to present my work to the public per se as I thought it was too ‘off the wall’ and different. Mmmm. Seems there are people out there looking for just that!

The idea was to be able to afford to travel and also to go for a weekend with WLS friends. But suddenly there is a family thing that has come up leaving me in no mans land - unsure of what to do and in a limbo. That’s life eh. I can’t let it get me down. I think I will just continue to work - do the best I can & hope things turn for the better. Travel has to be shelved for now along with most other plans.
Well, off to the PO again..my new second home!

I have gratitude in my heart today. My friend underwent a DS revise and had some problems with complications. She’s still on planet earth to tell the tale .  I am so happy.   All my small troubles and mind bends are nothing in the face of this.  She’s doing well as usual she is a minefield of info.  A DS treasure.  Most of all she is my lovely friend and to say if I had lost her I’d have been heartbroken would have  been the understatement of the year. She is now recovering well - I know this because when she phoned me she was full of her old spirits.  Bless her!

It puts perspective into my life.   If you read this (you know who you are) just know I love you dearly. You are a good mate and the two of us have shared a lot of water under the bridge. I can’t wait to see you continue to blossom and to have a GREAT life. xxx

Written yesterday with update today:

Today was a mixed bag of a day. I finally heard that I won’t be undergoing reconstructive surgery on the telly program after all. I’m  disappointed but not gutted, I had a feeling this would not come to fruition. The Gods know best! There will be other ways forward which I shall explore.
I got a call from our hospital - I’m booked for a dexa scan. That’s the good news! Other than that work continues for me - day in and out. I enjoy it very much. Today I got a lovely letter from an e-bayer who was thrilled with her purchase from me - makes it all worthwhile. I am entering this game with great trepidation. It’s a cut throat world out there and part of me wants to bolt and be safe again! The downside of becoming able after years of obesity is one starts to feel so responsible for everything….I grapple. I have panic stricken moments when I see how much water has flowed under my bridge and how little I have actually managed to do. I also have a driven sense of urgency to catch up all that time! It was easier being unable to do very much but then it was also a helluva lot worse in many other ways.

I am starting to feel appetiteless again! Holy cow! Just when I thought I had the green light. It’s strange - nothing appeals very much. My DS does protest somewhat - I get that old constipation and it’s not right. Although my protein is okay I think I need more volume of food to keep my guts working well. I try to cook varied meals to not enter into boredom but the truth is I could live on protien drinks and not bother with food at these times…however the fact is this would be nutritionally silly.I still find this bizarre compared with the old days when I ate and ate . On balance this is way better! I need to weigh myself soon again - think I have dropped a little more weight - no good! I don’t want to be a bag of bones. So…let me depart now to cook and eat my chicken korma supper.

Today:

With the usual twinge of fear I pulled out my scale. What is it with me - I KNOW I AM not big anymore…but I still hate weighing myself. I still hesitate a lot and have to do ‘mental speak’. I need ’scale aversion’ therapy. This is not an uncommon thing my peers in WLS surgery tell me.

I have lost more weight - I am now 58.5 kilo’s. BMI 22.5. That’s still ok - bang in the midrange. I am glad of that. But enough now. I’m very aware that this is probably happening as my volume of food is not great lately ( I have good and not so good days) though I do always get in the protein. Also I don’t eat near as much sugar as I used to. I still don’t much care for chocolate a couple of pieces and it’s enough. I think I am living proof (inadvertantly) that even aty late stages if we WLS patients cut the carb and sugars we can continue to lose very adequately. I still find it strange as I had on my brain for so long a ‘losing window ‘ for DS and thought once the two years was up that would be it…no further losses. I go on learning.

I married my husband at 65 kilo’s. I have never been below that figure so to be this weight is strange and my head has to catch up again. I do think for a WLS patient it might be a little too much - we have a bigger bone structure than most and often a heavier weight than ‘normal’ bmi suits us best. Still I doubt this is final the likelyhood is I shall go up and down as most people do.

A nice note last night from someone who perused my jewellery on ebay…just to tell me they loved my work and wished me luck. Very kind and just what I needed as my nerves are well shot.

Well, not much has happened in Janes life. My days fall into necklace making and I work around the clock. My itchy feet are unbearable I am motivated by the thought that I shall potentially travel again if I can just sell my wares. Yesterday I took a breather if you can call it that and spent some hours cooking up a DS storm with bulk meat buys from good old Costco. It’s well over an hours drive to Costo from our place and Pete and I use it as an excuse to lounge lizard ourselves in the fab bookstore nearby and have a starbucks. Next discount store had me ferreting about and I am the proud owner now of a sassy pair of cowboy boots in leather - for £15. A bargain - god I love a bargain! I also bought a MIDRIFF cardi…holy cow never thought I would see the day I could forego the tunic! I fitted into everything I liked! I still go for the biggest sizes though and have to work my way down to the smaller ones. My brain seems stuck in this department which is odd as I generally do ‘get’ my size now and feel slim most of the time…but the clothes thing just does not gel yet. I wonder if I do it because I used to be so disappointed when clothes did not fit me in my pre surgery days and going for the biggest items used to buffer the fall from my denial about my size?
Costo is well worth doing - saves a fair amount of dosh to buy meat in bulk plus their fresh salmon is divine. I have never seen such huge packets of mince as one can buy there! Quite daunting to look at the mound and try to decide what to do with it. In the end I made loads of Spag bol sans the pasta, Koftka and meatballs in tomato sauce. I also cooked lamb in red wine with veggies. It ain’t over yet either - in the fridge is a humungous punnet of chicken and a hunk of fillet…todays merry fun! Think I will make a white sauce and asparagus number and also a korma curry with the chicken. Don’t know what to do with the fillet it seems a shame to freeze it really but there is a salmon for dinner tonight. I will be set for loads of protein in the coming weeks plus have meals ready for my erratic family who all work odd hours so I never know if they will eat with us or not.

I was very upset to hear my cousin in Cape Town was robbed while he pretended to be asleep. All his hard work gone - they cleared his house. The robbers then went and did the same accross the road. 2 days later they bashed an old lady to death in her home with their bare hands. Charming. They are beasts these criminals…inhuman. A few more days later they murdered another old lady. Of course our exemplary government will not have such things spoken of - it’s political correctness gone beserk. Anyway each time I hear this I fear for my elderly mum so much and other members of my family. What would I do if I lost one of them to a senseless murder? Bears not thinking about but one does think of it sadly. I also know I cannot return to my beloved country because I could not live with the fear factor. I find this lack of choice upsettting as I would love to be able to know that at some point I could return if I wished. I have to be careful I don’t get bitter about it. Each time I hear of another murder on hapless innocents I feel my heart tighten into a small knot of anger and frustration. I have to remind myself it is some - only some that do this. A criminal element that is way to big unfortunately. BUT - It’s not everyone. Hold onto the logic I keep telling myself. But for how long? This continues ugly racism in my country - how can one not be angry when everything is systematically destroyed, when your house is robbed ,when ones life is in danger, when for a wristwatch you can bleed to death on the sidewalk? It’s a lit fuse despite everyone trying to be positive. And we better not even talk of our typically corrupt government living the high life while poverty remains a huge issue. I miss Mandela and De Klerk. At least I saw those few brief glorious days in my country before I came to England. It was a beautiful time full of hope. Now I am not sure at all. All their work seems to have dissolved. I am just grateful they did not kill my cousin…it happens so easily down there.

My constipated situation has relieved itself and I am back to the usual DS workings. I have lost a little more weight again. It’ll probably come back on again but I am not phased I accept now I will go up and down - just like normies do!

Good news is that Matt - my youngest, has been accepted for Media studies at Brighton Uni. Bad news is I shall miss him soooo much, we are very very close this boy and I. But it is great - he has worked so hard this year. I’m dead proud of him.

I’m still struggling with a tiredness that has made me a tad tetchy of late. My patience wears thin too quickly. I need a high dose of compassion in my heart again.  However it is not as bad as lastweek and my stools are reverting to the old dark green colour of a healthy iron intake so I am hoping that’s the excess iron that my body does not need. I have an irrational fear that one day I will malabsorb everything…then it swings and I have irrational fears that I might malabsorb nothing. Then I say to myself ‘get a grip woman - deal with things if and when they arise!’

I’m eating better again - a good thing. Rediscovering an appetite right now thank heavens. It won’t last but I make the most of it.

The Sufi begging bowl has left me. It attracted a lot of interest and has found a new home in the USA. I am pleased it’s going to a better place than mine where it will be cared for.

I did pretty well on e-bay - now I am bitten by the bug….think I will list up more next week. It seems a good way to reach a broader audience for my work but I have insecurities - that old ‘not good enough stuff’. My work is too personal…from the selection of components to the stringing together of it I am involved acutely. I need to disinvest myself after I have made something. I need to stand back as if in a gallery and hem & haw about it until it gets out of my bloodstream. Then I need to just let it go. I’m forging plans… but aren’t I always!

Still no input from the Telly people and my hair is now lanky and grey. I feel a wreck - just as they wanted me to be. I am starting to reconcile myself that this is not going to happen - will confirm later in the week. Mum is in need of me to be in CT…but I can’t move till I know the in’s and outs of my life to be this year.

It’s been a week of lot’s of work - I have 3 elaborate necklaces to show for my efforts. I trip down memory lane on them. Here is Curkucuma in this bead from Istanbul. Here is a piece of Hong Kong Jade , a pendant I found at Portobella Rd etc…. and I am beside myself to travel again. Hopefully they will bring in enough dosh for a journey. Soon.

This has been a tough week as my energy is dead low. I think it’s that dayum iron still not coming right. My once dark green poo is now pale beige a sure sign that my body is utilising all the iron in my Vita4Life.  I’m still constipated but not wrenchingly so - I think this week I shall eat a lot more fat and see if this eases. I might also try to eat between meals as  I find eating a lot oddly  - can help this dillemma.
I’m getting labs soon so I should know in due course what the status on the iron is is.  As usual I shall try to get a few other things tested too. My labs are one jagged little picture thats for sure, but even if piecemeal I still get them - just.

The tiredness - it’s a horrible feeling of just being shattered for no good reason. My body aches as though I have a bad flu. I once had tick fever - it feels much like that. No amount of sleep rectifies it. I can see that if left and not treated this could make a person very depressed.  I have been hitting the water bigtime now in the hope it may help a little on the energy front too. I’m  a tad peed  off tbh - I had a few appointments I have cancelled as I am  too tired to be great company right now.
Food wise I am doing well again which is a relief - I definately go up & down on the food front.

Aside from this I am working hard - hoping to get more stuff onto e-bay soon. This is a whole new adventure for me - difficult to work out the best way to sell. My days seem to fall into working - nights too. I do enjoy it though.
So that’s it for now - short and sweet.