Dances with DS

For once I am tired! 5 hours of talking solidly plus last night the nerves really hit me and I slept badly. Today the telly person came to do a ‘recce’ film and not as bad as I thought it would be. She is very good at putting one at ease. Except for the underwear bit *gulp*…omg - this is when I think I might be selling my soul here - lol. I had to jiggle it around (okay oka the old boobies too! -let’s not discuss the belly wobble and thigh stuff) - it is not a pretty sight. Bum hang is a subject I thought I would never be discussing either…let alone baring all - but there you go!

I am through this part but it will be a while if I know it is all stations go or not. I have to say it was quite an experience for me. One thing that makes me laugh is I never had breakfast - instead swallowed several milky drinks - my tum decoded to crackle and pop - so if these clips are ever used I hope they infuse the background with soft music instead of my guts amazing trombone like ability - lol. I think it went okay in all - now suddenly looking most forward to being Tel Aviv with my hubby and chilling out. I can’t wait. I am pleased we are leaving later than earlier though as I have 3 birthdays coming up soon in my family and that is a pre christmas feat in itself! Also I love attending our surrey support group for WLS and I can attend now! YAY!

I am dead sure this one is going to boomerang on me and bite me on the bum! Before I lose courage I will say it quick - I have admitted a looong somewhat gut curdling essay to the telly program ‘Ten years younger’. I did it because I felt it is time for me to face my reconstruction facts and then hopefully be free of the body issues forever. I probably have too high an expectation on many levels here but I live by ’seize the day.’ So when the opportunity presented I grabbed the chance. I really want to make this a life ethic for me - no holds barred so I am stepping out and willing to take the chance that it could all amount to nowt. I have a clear viewpoint on it - if I get the part I will feel truly graced. If not I still feel truly graced. My blessings are many in the grand scheme. What is there to lose I ask myself?

I have had two interviews so far and this tuesday they come for a preliminary recording. Don’t think I am not bricking it - I am! It’s still far from final. It may not happen but if not I know it is just not the right time for me. I have mega faith in the Gods to determine the best thing for me. I have faith here so I won’t weep bitter tears of disapointment. My life next year could cut both ways and both ways look good.
I am however dead nervous about all my saggy bits on telly and I have some real panicky moments. I have thought strongly on the impact this might have on my family. It is not easy. I sat with each of my family members and we spoke on possible issues that could arise if the go ahead gets given. They are so supportive bless them all.

Well - it’s out the woodwork now. It’s a big step for me on other levels because I have to admit to myself that I am not in hunky dory land regarding the sags. Fine lines - because some days in my deep gratitude for my DS I don’t consider my body at all. But other days infront of my full length mirror I see the damage clearly and wish for it all to be gone now so I can have body peace finally. I would love to be free of the panni hang and bum hang - no more control knickers - big joy! I do feel I have aged in my face somewhat and it would be great to get the wrinklies out the piccie :-D. I’m sick of applying concealers to the problem areas. Facing complete strangers still makes me anxious - I wonder - do they notice my wrinkles? Do they see the wattle on my neck? I talk myself through it but it is a constant fear really. I have sabotaged a few good outings this year because of sudden insecurity again. Some days I get past it with loads of pep talk to myself. Other days it shrivels me dayum! I hate that - so proud!

I also know this won’t be an easy ride - surgery is not fun - it hurts! There is blood and horrid drains, scars and risks again. I am a woess but I reckon if it comes to me I can do it bravely and hopefully with some dignity. Appearing on telly is one of the hardest things we can do really.

So my dear friends - cross fingers for me because I am leaping into the air now and spreading my wings. I’m anxious sometimes about it but I am doing it anyway! As usual I don’t know where I shall land. But tell you what - just leaping feels very very good!

A day firmly positioned in the happy endevour of FINALLY getting curtains. Yup - I know it is boring but there we go - often my life is about small domestic issues - alas. So we have have the samples and tonght a family concensus must be made - Chocolate brown, cream or red? Happily I have two Kate’s in my life (one my own, one my lads girl) that both have an aesthetic eye - so they shall come in use!

Suddenly doors are opening up for the reconstructive surgery - possible NHS option which looks good. Then tonight a private surgeon from St Georges contacted me - we had a great chat. Interesting to hear his views on how patients who have lost a large amount of weight need time for the face/body to settle - my thoughts exactly. I think running into these surgeries as soon as the weightloss has happened is not a great plan. I understand sometimes the need is so dire one just has to get rid of all the skin - but I also think it’s a huge step and giving the face & body enough time to find position (if you will and can) is smart. I had snapback on my arms and some on my face during my 3rd year post op and things have settled now. I speak of course from the luxury of being a ‘lighterweight’ to begin with - if one had a superobese BMI then it might mean a very different staged sort of scenario. My reconstruction will entail a lot of pre-work on my part to maximise my chances of success. Labs, exercise, good bloodwork & a surgeon who understands that after surgery I want a protein and nutrient drip on me come hell or high water!

So doors are opening here and I feel optimistic that I will one day be sitting properly on my bum which will be at last in the right position! No more tail end rubbing on chairs - that will be a blessed relief!
Boobies that look the size the are instead of spaniel ears - wooooohooo. Imagine that! Just imagine no more wonderbra!

“The high minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think.” Aristotle
“Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people.” F. M. Hubbard
“Where is the man who has the strength to be true, and to show himself as he is?” Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

And …my fav of the day : “The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. ” Gloria Stenheim

Mulling on this. I saw a very large lady a few weeks ago and she still haunts me. Her pain just walking was evident of someone in the late stages of the disease and my heart just went out to her. She was using sticks for support, sweating with each terrible step - it was moving. I had my usual anger spurt at her medical provider who clearly had not at any stage of her obesity done a darned thing to help her - least of all told her of her surgical options. I still blow my fuse when I see this. For heavensakes what do these people do to help us!!!

She looked so kindly as if she was a lovely soul. I wanted to save her life! (How dramatic am I -lol!) - What to do? As I stood there rapidly trying to find a way forward to tell her of WLS and finding no way at all - she moved on and I saw her get into a car - too late for me to run up and start trying to introduce her to WLS.

It’s so difficult…but it made me think about honesty on a broader level and how very little it is truly applied in life. I think innately we lie tbh. This is part of our social conditioning. It’s about a fear that we might not please someone - or if we ‘admit’ something we may lose acceptance.
The lines are fine. What one person percieves as truth another percieves in an entirely different way. The truth is indeed relative. It’s fine to be honest if we share a truth - but if not - OH VEY!
Then there is the problem where being honest can quickly become - well, just being plain rude.

But I am thinking on how the fears of being beaten about the ear prevent me from potentially helping another person who walks in my ex-shoes. So difficult - an old thorn in my side and one that I have no answers for unfortunately. It’s just all way to dependant on the stranger one approaches - they may be in denial they have a problem (there were times I was!) - they may be excruitiatingly sensitive (I was!)…it goes on.

So I grapple on. Not only in this example but in all my relationships too (with one exception in my relationship with Pete that is profoundly honest and in which I truly explore the true beauty and definite angst of honesty ) - honesty it seems has rather few benefits. It’s a real lip service thing. We all love to think we are so honest - but are we? Rather join the clan of manipulation and tradition and hold this mouth shut! But the thing that gets me about the fencesitting approach is - will anything/anyone ever change then!?

Well perhaps there is no need - indeed perhaps the very thing that honesty will awaken which is CHANGE - is exactly what people really do not want. The old comfort zone is way more comfy to fudge along in. Change? - wot’s that then eh!?

Ah well - just ponderings on this blue frosty day.

A simply happy day. Having pete home is like getting a gift! He has pottered around and rested but I feel his presence here and I just feel happy. Everyone is smiling and joking around - the mood is elevated here in Hopfield. We are celebrating. For me the day is unproductive but I could not care less I have enjoyed letting my families vibe rest in me.

I did some Turkish homework. A turkish mate called and we shared some broken dialect much to his abject amusement. I hope I was not rude -lol. In Turkish sometimes dropping one little vowel can misconstrue everything! Dangerous dangerous this new language lark!

I spoke on the phone to a special special DS mate too. It is as though they know I am in good spirits today. We shared some laughter about the idea that all DSers are parping continously. It’s not funny for the pre oppies who worry like hell! I did too - I was a nervous wreck! Now there are many days a fart does not leave my body. And there are days I eat the carbs a bit too much - and I do colour the air!

Last night I had a gastric attack - now I was a complete fool. Was thinking stupidly it has been so many years of no fizzy drinks (except wee sips occasionally and then slowly!) - and the australian ‘peachee’ (this is a peach australian drink so delicious that I usually let go flat before drinking with extreme pleasure!) was speaking to me every time I opened my fridge. My water intake was foul yesterday I was VERY thirsty - so I put it back as though it was water! OMG! A few hours later it merrily evacuted my entire guts in fizzy farts and trots - by glory! Mind you I in the middle of my toiletry angst I had to laugh - fizzy trots is a new one on me! Very fast, very intense, very bloody awful! BAD mistake!-lol. So eat/drink the wrong stuff baby - the DS is a hard taskmaster!

On the plus side - as always - my bowel is brand spanking new today! Not a miserable accumulation in it - all fizzed out at high speed! Can someone not use such human energy? - I have visions here! The poo is sweet smelling - I feel great! I am doing my water like a good girlie. But there are better ways to arrive here that is for sure!

So now we all feel complete. It’s just not the same when he is not here. He is exhausted but otherwise in fine nick having drummed up many good business contacts. Crossing fingers! The household has been ablaze with excitement - we all got up very early for us in expectation and swallowed copious pots of tea! Even the little dog sensed the vibe and kept bringing me toys as if to say ‘hey, I’m celebrating too!’ It’s been a long haul without my man.

It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining but boy is it icy! Still there is magic in a frosty morning. I enjoyed looking over my garden laced with white. My body sans fat does not cope well. I wear thermal undies now - how to kill passion pronto - but what can I do. I am dead pleased that I bought handmade wool socks in Turkey. My feet at least are toastie!
I bought my first pair of hipster jeans - so dammed COOL! Non stretch and sz 12. They fit perfectly. Best of all they are from a shop that veers on the small side. I think if my panni was gone they’d be loose! The only down is my bum that hangs in them and I felt self concious pootling around London with the bum incoviently creasing but hey - my legs looked the part!

Other great news! I have been adopted by the very kind Mr Patel for my aftercare. I can’t describe the relief really. I keep pinching myself and cannot believe that my labs will no longer be a huge stressy thing for me. Keep wondering why I never made the move sooner. Think part of it is that I love & honour my surgeon and know that if I got off my jacksy and went to Germany he would do everything for me - but I’m a lazy git! Still I think he will be delighted too that I am getting proper care - he chases me up by e-mail and this year I have hemmed and hawwwed about my labs. So hopefully soon I can update him on this years progress.

I went to turkish lessons yesterday - boy but it twists my brain! But I am proving that this old thicko can actually LEARN! My teacher is a saint in the patience department. We tackled the first suffixes - oh glory but it is complex! Anyway - loving it!

Off to the docs just now - a checkup and to ask him for formal transfer into Mr P’s capable hands.

My appointment list is crazy right now - dentist looming - dog groomers and wait for it - my mate Jilly will be proud of me - a full on brazillian - OMG. I am not sure. I am not brave either. But every girl should do it once and may the gods help me in the hot wax department - lol. I shall report back once the evil deed is done!

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
— Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

I am expanding on every level (except weightwise!)…a new thing for me. It’s quite a weird place to be - my body is shrinking at the moment but my being is doing a massive expansion. Before my body was huge but my being so confined - so suppressed. Yikes - wot’s going on? The truth is I really don’t know. I am back in the heart of ‘Mysterium Tremendum’ . From this perspective I see my thoughts are veering into many places right now and sometimes places I don’t want to go. I examine my relationships globally - this is not specific to my marriage at all- the lacks in ME are so evident but I am seeing them more as further doorways than terrible ordeals to overcome.

Being in a still space since Pete has gone has driven me to introspection. Ordinarily I would be flipping my usual ADD thought process at the poor man faster than the Ganges river flows. I think I have done this to avoid. He recieves what I put forward, bless, and so I can just hop along having said it feeling more unburdened. It’s a superficial way of coping - a kind of movement of energy that does not stop to deeply consider. It’s about skipping past myself instead of looking inward. It’s much easier to do. The momentum of a forward moving energy is enticing as it takes one away from oneself. A backward movement into ones many layers is not simple. To go inside is a big work. I feel that I am being very guided and supported. It comes in strange ways - sometimes through the people around me - sometimes through life itself. Sometimes I just sense presence - huge presence around me. The many rooms I have had that hold all my memories and experiences are melting down. I’m exposed to myself in ways I did not think possible. As if a switch was flicked and there can be no going back…things inside are merging - melting- opening .

More and more the thing has an elemental aspect to it. It happens. And it’s happened to me several times before and each time I think ‘finally finally’ and have euphoria for some time after. But now the tone has changed - I am seeing that this is not a fixed phenomenon. Trying to understand it against a regular mindset just is impossible. It is rather like waves coming up on a beach. Or the way blossoms open every spring. An eternal happening. An ongoing process that in reality does not stop - just because I stop. Or think I have stopped! It’s always there happening despite me. Inside me - outside me - everywhere.
And my wee constructions of personality, archetypes, notions are just froth on the wave.

I already live my life way too openly. Or do I? My darling friends often take me aside and warn me of the perils of this. Bless them for trying to cover me as I meander semi-nakedly in the world! It’s not that I don’t think an open life is positively terrifying. I have the red light thing - DANGER ALERT! DO NOT ENTER! Alas and woe to me I ALWAYS do enter - LOL!

I have come through the valley of death more than once in my life & I have slipped off the sides of the mountain more than I care to mention. When I was young I actually did fall off a jagged edge several meters onto rock shattering my arm bone. So mountains remain imprinted on me literally and symbolically. I have had a most enormous journey physically. And mentally & emotionally. Spiritually too.

Now I sit in the sum of all this huge experience beginning yet another process. Or maybe ‘beginning’ is the wrong word here -it’s too linear. My journey is far from over - even physically I still need to enter into more possibilities. Nothing is cut and dried - I think I am ‘getting’ that now. There is much room for things to happen still in my future. There is work on the self acceptance and also on letting friendships into my long isolated life. ‘Happening’ might get closer to what I mean. Realising there can be no fighting this. Defining how one’s life will be is very cheeky in the face of it all - but I think I will be cheeky! It is a fine balance about what the Gods are determining appropriate for one & what one can do oneself - a synergy but often a conflict too. I have every intention of living this life to the max. I’ll take it to the limit - any level it comes at me - physical, emotional - the whole shebang! FULL JOY! For me that’s about BEING but in an active way. A letting go - a very deep letting go. Surrender of notions, of conditionings, of labels of my own volume of headstuff. Can I accept this person I am 100% without knocking her so much? - god I don’t know - what will be left of me!
And therein the sweet cryptic crux of the matter

Well there it is - I don’t know anything about the way it will all pan out and I just have to go on faith here that it’s all much bigger than me. Retain curiousity, trust, vulnerability, allow life to be expansive. Be honest. Remember to be kind at all times. Risk loving very deeply and very hugely - without fear without covert motivations. Keep it simple! And remember that deep pools are where I learn the most.

I’m lost in a sea of things to do! I really have issues with getting my head together and making priorities happen so I end up faffing (love that word -lol). This one needs work! I had a lovely chat with Pete today - he is missing us but sounds so relaxed and happy which has the effect of putting sparkle into my day too.

On friday night met up with Ken & Andrew had a fantastic warm time, much laughter and enlightening conversation - these men are very good for the head -lol. I went away thinking about how at the heart of things one connects to something so strong in other people after obesity. A deep common bond but I like how it transmutes from that awesome pain to unconditional love & respect, deep acceptance. Somehow other things are just trivia on the grand path! I so much enjoyed it with good mates. Ate a delicious steak and bumped my water levels up too.

I am having clothing trauma never thought I would say this! My jeans are falling down. I tried on two lovely velvet tops but they both fell off me - I was rather pissed to be honest. My wardrobe is going to need overhauling but I am skint right now. I’ll have to be baggy jane for a while yet! I think I might have actually dropped some more weight since my revelation in scale heaven! Still - have not weighed again - no need really.

Well - on with the day. Cuppa tea will be good before ferociously attacking the washing and mismatched socks pile from hell!

The truth is I don’t know where this week has gone! But it has been a goodun. I think with my Pete away for so long and in a different timezone I am doing all these things that I ordinarily take for granted. (He will love reading this )….and of course things go into overdrive. The drain blocks - yeeeeeuuuch! The washing machine packs up when my load is at it’s overwhelming largest, my son forgets to put the rubbish out and a fox has a field day with it - scattering it all over the garden - my life domestic bliss? I think not!

Add to this that somehow the children really really need me now that dad is faraway - we do a kind of deep bonding thing - also role reversals with my daughter frantically worried today because I came home later than she thought I would, bless her!

But it has not been all domestic nonbliss. There have been real highlights this week. I had a wonderful meal in London with Suz and Mandy two very good DS mates - very much enjoyed. We laughed and relaxed and I thought why on earth do I not do this more often. Something very connecting about us sitting there with the same guts -lol! I ate calves liver and mash - this is a need food for me currently I seem to be choosing it where ever I go. When I start doing this ‘must have stuff I just listen, but recently my going out repotoire on the food front is rather boring I am afraid. And calves liver! - so politically and karmically probably incorrect too. Poor little mites - I do cringe but quickly the need overtakes me true carnivore style. Anyway little calves in heaven I am sorry! Best not to think of childhood days on the farm bottle feeding the calves. For me a huge joy in sharing others rides too - the girls looked FAB! I am always so dead chuffed to see such transformation and dead touched that my friends so openly share with me.
I laughed at them telling me clothes are TOO BIG! Tis true - I am in a belated crises of needing a new smaller wardrobe and here just on the festive season when I have expenses up to my ears! -lol!
I am finding a new social need in myself and am painfully aware that too often I cut myself off from others. An old habit of obesity related isolation that dies hard. Also I am really a bit shy - don’t laugh! Sometimes I think BY GOD I have really fabulous friends and then I am suprised…and also grateful. I’m such an awkward old git!

Today - my very first formal Turkish lesson…I am dead proud of myself! Another trip to London - I did the bead shop while there and surfaced with some lovely cloisonne. My teacher Erdinc is fantastic - really patient and clear. Suddenly I am immersed in a strange new world…but I made good progress and left feeling positive that I will in time master this. It’s very good for my brain. I continue to build vocab pretty fast too.

Inbetween - losing my Pete to the timezone then panicking because I can’t get hold of him! But today a lovely happy chat. We are off to Tel Aviv from the 3rd to the 13th of December with any luck. I cannot wait to feed my little sea moggies. I hope they are all okay. Will report back later. On a final note I have a commision I am behind with - panic panic - earrings to be made asap. Next week I must immerse myself in WORK. It’s a life that is crazy but good right now!

Some days one just feels extraordinarily blessed. Today this feeling is in my heart. From every concievable angle love and support has flowed into my life and I have been left so moved. I have been so richly and unexpectedly given too in all of of this - I always feel I don’t deserve this - these wonderful friends….I grapple with that old ‘not good enough thingie’ - will it ever go?

I know I have to start now to just live in the most open hearted way I can. Put aside my old paranoias and my need to control and just soften up. I feel abundant kindness and love heals my old wounds and never mind the few old kilo’s if I thought that was good - what has followed in it’s wake is really not for words. Way too big to speak of. Cok guzel! (Very beautiful!)
I have to smile - as if on cue the night sky outside is exploding into fireworks.

I flash on my mum - she held me right through my surgery decisions and my jagged path to find my body, my life, myself. She has heart for each one of us in the struggle, not just me. She’s just that kind of generous soul.
My hubby - a deeply special man who has never clipped my wild wings. Who let’s me run to faraway places when I need to and who welcomes me so warmly when I return. Everything he is he puts into our family everyday - never a moan. He never curbs my spirit - and those of you that know me also know this can be one helluva spirit and erm, rolling my eyes upwards & LOL.
My children…I’ll embarress them senseless now so I’ll keep it short - but a finer bunch of people on this earth I don’t know. Loving, open, enquiring, sensitive, self made and a constant pleasure in my life - I am dead proud of them.
My weightloss surgery info friends - if anyone needs to find out what true compassion is - visit the site. It is always awake there burning like a light for all of us. That’s where I learned what true friendship really is. It has forged me into how I percieve life now and been a great part of my healing. Thanks my friends. If this is what obesity did to us - it can’t be so bad after all?
My outside of WLS friends - who text me with messages of love at great expense and who put up with my appalling Turkish and Dutch & who celebrate with me - feeding me strange but wonderful proteins eel & Aryan (for starters) and those that have e-mailed me through some dark days not even questioning the why’s of it - I hug you all.

You see - this is like a good flood And I could go on. And there I have been so often absorbed in my own self pity thinking I was all alone. LOL. Just goes to show how sometimes we lock ourselves into our own misery.

Aside from above - the Turkish is getting better by the day. The Dutch is not - don’t ask!

So here I am on the 5th of November - walking through the door starting at the beginning all over again. It’s a fine day to be doing this too.