Dances with DS

A good weekend catching up with my children. Yesterday Katey and I embarked on a trip to London. She needed clothes - I needed silver beads. Good place then! We departed and I was disorganised and so no time for breakfast. Protein wise the day just collapsed on me. It’s difficult sometimes just to go when the protein must be considered. Bit like preparing for a baby. I got evil wind and bloating due to eating some fish product at Portobella. I can take flour but only to a degree. This was painful!
At home after a fun day despite tthis setback I let off in merry harmony with the fireworks banging outside. My own small replies! Well, one has to just laugh sometimes

At porto I procured a great contact - I meet a lady at a stall who was very delighted when she saw the necklace I was wearing. She named each componant of it gleefully and perfectly. Another kindred spirit - well, I was flattered! We spent time pouring over her lovely items - two dreamers in harmony. It was good.

Kate is a wonderful person to be with - I relish this business of at last being able to do outings with the child. We had a chance to chat about many things. I secretely grieve that I could not truly enjoy this aspect of rearing her - bloody obesity - it just stole so much from me! A robber of life! Never mind - I’m doing it now.

Today - packing for Pete’s trip. Luke my oldest son has invited a mob of friends over for dinner. I am cooking up a chicken & rice storm. We shopped together - good to be with him too. I don’t see much of my lad what with his job and his girl. I was pleased to be needed - omg - how bad is that. My kids are all grown up and sometimes I am dysfunctional about that! I miss them. Matty has just got back from a week away in Exeter and his room felt so empty - the whole house did! I think ‘what shall I do when they all go’ & Pete and I rattle about like two old lost farts. I don’t like this phase of my life much - though I should be glad they are all so functional & independant. We did something right!

So just a short post - so much to do! But I am relatively content in the mayhem.

Hope my friends reading this are all well.

Forgot to say the Turkish goes well - added another 10 words to the vocab. Can Say ‘I want, I don’t want!’ Loving learning it. Also enjoy Turkish poetry - translated.
Thinking on this one tonight between the cooking & cleaning and packing!
Thinking on how it imparts flavour - sensory beauty really. Also how the mustard seed is very little but it grows into a giant. It’s a little gem I think. And so very true.

The importance of mustard

What a fool I was,
I didn’t understand for years
The importance of mustard in the society
‘One can not live without mustard’
Abidin was also saying this recently
To people who have solved the secrets of
Deeper truths

I know, it is not really essential
But God shall not deprive anybody of mustard.

Orhan Veli Kanık

Today I am an Aunt! I can hardly believe it. My brother and his wife live in Australia and I wish I could just nip down there! A beautiful healthy baby girl. I was so excited I could not call my mum my fingers were all over the place. LOL.
It’s so wonderful really. I am so pleased for my brother - he will be a pukka daddy.

In the light of this amazing news - there is not much else to say really.

My Turkish improves slowly - did I tell you I am trying to learn the language. My vocab is going on 50 words. My teacher Ercinc says it takes 500 words to begin to be able to communicate on a basic level. Why Turkish? I love the country. Also I need desperately to stimulate my mind. Especially my memory & I am not a crossword type of person. No patience.

Today a reasonable DS day. It’s really a very easy thing to live with sometimes. My bowel is great right now. I am almost pre DS cept it floats - ok ok I won’t go into details lol!

Walking to the shops today my jeans are falling down right off me. Kept having to pull them up as they inched down my body. Holy cow. This has not ever happened to me before. Size 14 is too big. What!? It’s really strange. I can’t accept it really. I have to ask Pete how I look. I tell myself the jeans must of stretched. I’m still afraid to weigh myself just incaes I am dreaming. But I know deep down I am at my smallest - clothes don’t lie. Last night I tried on a lovely silk blouse I bought at my DS peak weightloss just before I had a rebound of a few pounds - it was tight then. It is perfect now.

However - I am not to chuft as most of my wardrobe is now fast becoming defunct again! I had kind of built it up in the two stable years and now it is just too baggy. I like my stuff a size bigger really but two sizes pushes the envelope.
Anyway I am happy in my head with it all now. I fit this body well I think. I am not very thin but I am optimal for my bone structure I think. Still curvy - still a bit drapey.

I have been working on the jools. I have a lot to do - but I have little concentration at the moment I dunno why. It’s all very ADD resurfacing. I hope I can get more focussed next week.

Had a lovely day yesterday. Pete and I got up early… packed the old rucksack and headed off for a day to London. First stop Portobello Road. I love it, the mad people (by golly I am a tame creature by comparison to some - lol), the crazy dressed dogs this lady has in a pram (eek!), the endless stalls, the occassionally brash mouthed vendors that need their mouths soaped!, the hubbub, bustle, energy. It keys me up into deep ferreting mode! And I did just that but I have to say, it seems the day of a bargain on Porto is over. Just a few years ago I always got a bargain or two but yesterday I found nothing that I could not buy on e-bay for half the price - well , except the atmosphere. :-). We ate lunch in a pub there - I had fish & chips. Later I regretted eating the chips they sat like weights in the tum and I felt like they were all heavily balled up in there. In the end after much table hopping and perusing I emerged triumphantly at the top end of the street with 4 silver beads, a small lapis pendant and a long velvet shirt (size SMALL!!!!!tell you what I still cannot get it - it still makes me gasp in amazement )and an exhausted hubby. But I had fun.

Then we went to Edgeware Road for a few Nargile supplies. (Mmmmm - I think I am puffing a little too much….aaargh!) Then stopped at Oxford Circus and went into a bookshop where Pete bought two hefty programming manuals. Then on home.

We went for dinner with good mates to the Cloche Hat Restuarant in Chobam :
Cloche Hat
expensive but very atmospheric and the food was delicious. I had half a mushroom starter, a buttery creamy thing with light puff pastry and oyster mushrooms- heavenly. Main course, Pete & I shared a chateaubriand - cooked to perfection with a bearnaise sauce and sauteed potatoes and veggies. Lovely - I was suprised to eat nearly the lot (Pete ate two small pieces of meat) as it was a big portion. Then onto dessert - good grief - I thought I was chancing this to be sure. But temptation won the day - I had a choc & orange tart with icecream…oh gosh it was perfection! Pete shared this with me as I could not manage a full huge portion. I had a Pimms and lemonade too - unuasual for me - it was a HUGE drink! I am somewhat amazed I ate like I did - I am still stuffed this morning despite doing the two kilo morning run ;-)! It was a trouble fitting in my eggs and bacon this morning! Odd this - delayed reaction thing. Today I shall be doing DS shorcuts and eating only my requirement.

I am learning that perhaps what I call being ‘appetiteless’ is a normal behaviour for normal people??? I don’t know because suddenly last night surrounded by good friends and in a relaxed atmosphere I certainly felt like eating. I definately had appetite. Yet today I could not care less other than to know that of course come hell or high water the protien must go in and pref with some fibre. A quick assesment tells me I need more water too - bit dehydrated. It is all quite calculated and clinical the way I eat sometimes. I would love to know the definition of normal eating…I suspect this is it with a refined edge because my nutrition is important to me. Mmmmmm lot’s to think on. And also a lesson again in how relative things really are.

I have come a long long way in behaviour moification particularly. The DS is fantastic for this. I wonder why it is not yet recognised. Just because one can eat well does not mean no behaviour modification will take place. On the contrary.
Perhaps in the years to come it will be better understood. I think part of it is that the restriction thing is confusing - restriction is great at controlling but it is not as powerful as a shift in the head. I have had several headshifts thanks to my DS…I don’t fully understand them yet myself. Some have more to do with a metabolic thingie than pure head. DS is a chemically altering baby - it changed my chemistry no doubt about it and it reacts to certain things - no doubt about it either. To try to get a chemistry that is little explained and even less understood/acknowledged - well it’s difficult. The most obvious head shift (mmm like that word) I had is when you are free to eat anything…food loses it’s power over you. Done properly - moved through properly - understood as a phase but not the culmination of the journey….this was my first turning point. I simply have no deprivation in my life - zippo. I have everything in moderation. And that was my second understanding - no where is it written with the DS you can eat as you please. Moderation is healthy. But I think because one has no history of what moderation actually is this is hard to learn. It is a combo of things - or has been for me. Observing others that never had obesity. Listening very carefully to my bodies needs. Yes, restriction will kick in even at my stage if one pushes too much but it is way better to not rely on it - just have it waiting in the wings. It’s not nice being restricted physically so why not learn to do without it?
Determing the difference between ‘I need’ & ‘I want’. Understanding the trigger foods and learning how to overcome. This last one has taken me a bloody age. I now know if I eat a few nuts then I can have a little chocolate and it’s all good. The order matters. If I eat protein first then honestly I don’t feel like much carb. But if I go vice versa I end up going overboard on carb. Small things but they matter. Rule one is so basic - eat your protein first…good rule with sound reason behind it. (yes, even if you have MOUNDS of space - in fact it’s even more vital then so careful of playing with this excuse for a carb fest -lol -oh too well I hear it in my own head! . I see people not adhering to protein first and they struggle - it’s a set up for a struggle. I don’t think one can jug the chemistry and not expect a fight. One must work with the DS then it works with one. Beautifully.

I think/hope our DSers will strive towards what is healthy. Looking at the food diarys on WLSinfo I see a definate move towards this that heartens me greatly. But I have no case when they test the limits either because I know this too is actually healthy behaviour. Again I emphisise ‘for a time - in moderation;-)’ It’s misunderstood by those with tough restriction and sometimes scoffed about - but I stand firm - it is healthy and part of our DS process. It does not phase me if people want to try to eat 3 lambshanks and a dessert… the DS will step in. Also they will learn something. So there we go. I have trust here -lol. The worry is when a person is not viewing the DS as a ‘moving through & moving on’ process. (Perhaps this is true of all WLS.) I think if one can do that - adopt this attitude then it takes one to that elusive place where you stand back and sigh deeply and with relief because you have arrived at the holy grail of normality at last!
Aside from the glut of milk I consume and the odd protein drink…I eat as my grandmother would have cooked for me in my childhood… full breakfast, light lunch with fish or light meats, meat and 3 or 4 veg for dinner. Healthy healthy healthy!

It’s simple if one stays with it. I find on days I am out of routine I eat crap. Stress is also a warnig flag for me. Not because I comfort eat - that’s BS - but because I have no concentration. No two ways about it. Crap becomes the order of my day. Grabbing a snack here and there just does not work. One has to plan a little bit.

I have the problem of being a girl on a whim! I usually decide on the day what I will be eating - a stocked up freezer and I don’t want any of the foods in it anyway so I have learnt. A daily or second daily trip to Tescos. Difficult for our married guys I know. I worry for our WLS men because I know I do my own shopping and this must be difficult for them sometimes.

I am getting better too at getting it hassle free - I’m happy to open tins of fish, beans and recently discovered tinned aubergines - oh bliss! I have a few staples on standby always - quick and easy stuff. Tuna. I like it with mayo or I make fishcakes - simple things with minced onion, egg and a bit of leftover mash or flour. I buy ready cooked chicken - debone and store in the freezer. With a simple whitesauce out the jar and mushrooms or any veg it becomes a 5 min meal. Baked beans with cheese stirred in hot - delicious. Mince meat is cheap - it is versatile and I always feel like it. Mince on mash or toast, curried mince, mince aubergines and cheese, mince made into koftkas or balls, mince with creamy gravy or covered with cheese sauce, meatloaf. It’s a good healthy cheapish staple, but please buy the best one can afford and keep it lean cos if you do you can add healthier olive oil to it - which incidentally is another staple I always have. Chuck that yukky sunflower oil! Eggs are a household staple - I eat them in various forms freely. Milk is always in stock. I am pernickty about my milk it has to be filtered and 2 %. In the cupboard are various ‘milk additives’ - ovaltine, chai, cinnamon, build up, choc nesquick, marvel & protein powders. When I go to Turkey I stock up on ‘Salep’ with is a delicious cinamonny drink. Milk goes down twice a day…more if I have any sort of skin rash. (Which oddly milk seems to cure in my case.) Nuts are also great snacks…I usually have a mix of some kind to hand. Chickpeas - say no more!
I think part of eating healthily is to ensure the basics are to hand - and to minimise cooking time. Sauces of any kind are great to ring the changes - I buy jars of sweet chili, chinese lemon sauce, and always white sauce which can be jazzed up and I could not live without dark soy sauce. Satay is peanutty and delicious with chicken. Sometimes I get ‘Miso’ a fermented Japanese barley which is tasty as anything. It comes in a dark crumbly block. Lastly where would I be without cheese? I like to buy snack size mixes and have a quick platter with stuffed olives sometimes gherkins on the side. Happy bunny stuff and chock full of calcium and protein.

Well, enough today… there is work to be done. The suitcases must be taken out. Pete’s trip looms large. He is going to Australia, Hong Kong, New Zealand, America - 2 weeks - a gruelling business trip full of meetings. God I will miss him. Last night he told me that he has a soul love for me - he feels it at the base of his being. The way he said it made me sit up & take notice - without sentiment - just there. A fact. That’s how it is for me too. Very deep and eternal. My family is held together in this. When I think on it all my shit just falls away. Anyway before I have all of my readers wretching and doing vomiting noises -lol- I really could do with remembering this very blessed aspect of my life - you know I am ashamed to say that I forget it in the daily hub and stress of things too often. I take him forgranted…that’s so awful really. Look don’t get me wrong we struggle along sometimes, we argue like the blazers sometimes - lol. It’s not perfection but whoever said a marriage is about perfection? I think it’s a lot more about imperfections. I don’t say ‘thank you’ enough. I don’t think what would be great for him - and what I could do to make his life a happier one. I focus on my own inadequacies and sometimes I transfer it onto him - when he is so not at fault. I hate my blind spots and sometimes my lack of gratitude. And my laziness. A little acknowledgement and TLC goes a long way & my WLS journey is so often so profoundly selfish. So full of me, me , me and my ongoing shit and headstuff . So I’ll hold that close when he goes and try to honour it more when we are together.

Today an overwhelming craving for chick peas seized me and I beat it down to Aysha’s shop fast. Ashya is my Turkish friend who sells top grade delectable foods right here in our small Village. I could not believe how her shop has come on in leaps & bounds. And a whole shelf of chick pea types. Some are crunchy outer soft innner, some are full crunch, some are soft and melt in the mouth (my fav’s…there is even a sugar coated chickpea which tasted much better than it sounds… it’s a whole new learning adventure for me - but then I am inordinately sad and chickpeas matter to me-lol. They help make a change of protein being veggie in origin and I like that they can be snacked on through the day.
Into the shopping bag - fried aubergine and Greek broadbeans which are great for a quick lunch with melted cheese for protein. Delicious sesame biscuits. Freshest Turkish delight. Mixed pumpkin & sunflower seed. I hovered over the olives but there is only so much I can eat & as it is I am so guilty of being excessive always.

So sitting here a happily indulgent bunny feasting on my old Turkish foods and of course the memories return too. I came home and Kate was in my supply as fast as anything - a girl of her mothers tastes that is for sure. I ask for her verdict on the new snacks - ‘better than crisps?’ we both think so. And so much healthier too. I am sad that in Istanbul there is now a greasyspoon maccy D on the high street. I am sad that chocolate & crisps and coke infiltrate the food market - but all is not lost. There are still masses of chick pea, sweetcorn & nut stands, and everywhere people eat pumpkinseeds and buy trays of delectable dried fruits rolled in nuts. I hope these traditional foods never disappear.

I am working on the jewellery - it’s rejuvenating for me. The hours slip away. No quote yet from the carpenter - mmmmm. We shall see. Might have to find another yurtman possibility.

It’s sooooo cold today and I don’t know how I am going to get through the winter - it’s always a time when my southern clime clocks start trying to tick & fail miserably. I worry I will have to cope with the depression looming.
Thinking on putting in more lights to try to stall this.

Other than this not much to write on. DS behaving well…an e-mail from my surgeon asking me to send data & pics.

Is a great deal of my life’s process about learning to surrender? My whole personality seems to conspire against this. I had this notion that I was born to create my own reality. I think this holds true too and instead of working an easy flow of energy that moves freely between these states I loophole into one or the other and sometimes suffer confusion as a result. It is rather hard for me to accept that not everything can be motivated by me. That’s my controlling archetype at play. But more and more as I go deeper and peel off my layers and fooking layers (sense my frustration - lol) I begin to get this glimpse that actually all I can do amounts to little in the big picture. The small things I ‘achieve’ are so incredibly puny and small. Immersed in the larger picture, freed momentarily from my self imposed constraint’s, manipulations, endless opinions…I realise that all this is insignificant. Something very much bigger than us is there. I don’t want to use the word God. It’s been dirtied up that word. Many small gods everywhere. I have had my share of the god’s I have created to suit my mindset and to attempt to save my soul. See how these gods have always arisen out of my idea’s and preconditioned notions - I want to laugh slightly hysterically in the face of it all because my sense is that we can’t narrow something so primordial…so vast and expansive down to the narrow little lives we lead. And yet without fail this jane tries. LOL.

Looking at it I feel it would be better if I just accepted there is sweet blowall I can do except enter into a play. Lose the seriousness. Lose the needs. Once a wise person I knew said there was blowall he could do with me - better if I just played. He was a brilliant man. Gurdieff like. He devised ways to shake one’s mind literally out of itself. At the time I was miffed to put it mildly. I mean …there was I full of such incredible clever thoughts, creativity and all and this man tells me there is nothing he can do with me!

In retrospect I get his point. There is fookall I can do with myself so I could not expect anyone else to be my salvation. So I am playing now. Amazingly this connects me directly with what I so yearn for. I don’t think we can can touch the Divine with our fraughtness. Our stress. Our manipulation. Clever minds fall by the wayside. The way through the door is deep relaxation & no expectation. It’s a connedrum. Even our meditations are full of expectation, our prayers too. Sitting in yogic medatation as I used to do, I was painfully aware of the ‘hope’ factor! It’s all tied into the deepest knot of feeling that one is not enough. Not good enough to be specific. That God would not want one. And meditation is not a great bringer of peace always. Very often one will be forced through a long unravelling of garbage and toxic poison one carries. It might work for some, I only speak for myself. Judgementally I confess - I found the happy bunny ever so peaceful meditators too often in a deeply repressed state of idealism. A close observation of their lives often revealed great tension, personal relationships rotten to the core yet enclosed in a denial & repression that defyed the numb expressions they wore. And I was there too. Oh so untouchable in my delirium.

Entering into God’s presence authentically within and without, is not a wonderful peaceful procedure. Alas Alas! It is gutwrenching. It involves an acute honesty. It is infinitely painful. It is death my dearest friends. And who invites death?
Until one is ready to die…better to just play around. At least it is honest.

A thousand archetypes must go. Do we know all of ours? Do we want to dwell in a schizofrenic hell? Yes, I think as a humanity we do - what else do we know? Without our ideas and notions and opinions and goals what is there? We veer into the positive archetypes that shine before us - nothing wrong with it either - better that than a dance with the darker ones perhaps - but do we do this to avoid a penetration into our shadow sides? Our beasts and our nightmares? Perhaps here dallying in our own shadows the Light begins to shine. I don’t know I only know it takes courage to face the demons within squarely.
I am afraid of the terms ‘evolvement’ ‘bettering oneself’ ‘becoming better’….these are locks on the great gates. Deep within me I hear the whispers ‘devolve’ ‘become less - better still become nothing’ - ‘cut the bullshit’ lol.
And the process is not ours.
Suddenly then this deluge of fear. I see my own. I see how so much of my life hinges on fear and I know this is how I avoid the great merger. These words look so small but if you have lived with this fear ever you will understand what I am rattling on about. Primordial, instinctive and vast the old reptilian portion of the brain is most resistant. Of course it is all hinged on survival. I have circumvented my fear with antidepressant drugs. I have circumvented with addictions. I have circumvented with denial instead of just moving through the tunnel. The valley of death calls us all. Physical death is easy. Nowt can stop it. But metaphysical death…now that is entirely different.

Anyhoo I ramble to describe what is indescribable. The only hope I have is my thirsty soul.

Let’s leave this for now - I try to express these things but don’t know if I just breed confusion. Hopefully if you have been here in this internal landscape what I write is meaningful to you - even if just to know you are not alone on this rocky road to God knows where.

I am drawing with the gimp. Really I am refining the small drawings I made in Istanbul. It’s wondrous. I am filled with beautiful music playing. Mostly Sufist. I resonate and the drawings are alive for me once more. Evocative stuff. It reminds me I am not alone out here in search of what is staring me boldly in the face. LOL. Once Tata said to me ‘you are just a cork bobbing on the great ocean of water looking for a drink’. Very true. I still bob. But now I bob with more joy.

These thoughts come to me as I draw. Somehow between immersing myself in the lucid colours that the Gimp allows I am accessing insights that do not ordinarily exist for me. So I think relaxation is key. En*joy*ment is key.

I’ll be publishing a few of my pictures as and when I finish them. If you like any please let me know. They are for sale in a limited edition of prints. £30.00 each - unframed. Of this £10.00 goes to charity. In real life they are handfinished with gold or silver ink and signed with Edition numbers. Size is roughly half an A4 size. These are miniatures and meant to be jewel-like. Bear in mind they will be a higher resolution than on here. Also in true Jane style I will continue to refine them much as I do my posts at WLSinfo …but the basic representation is above. I’ll add a border when I have time which will finish this off better. Please don’t print these without my permission, I publish these here in trust. This one is called: ‘Remembering Love’. It has a strong Arabic influence as I was inspired by Arabic designs during my stay in Istanbul. Hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy making them.

It’s interesting to me how just before I reach a closure on certain issues in my life things suddenly lose their center for me. I look back on the last few months of posting here and the chaos is somewhat evident. I should know by now that eventually the feeling of being scattered and blown about would end in a closure and a moving on…but when one is caught up in these things how hard it is. The blows seem to come thick & fast. For those unfamiliar with my language I am speaking of an emotional closure here. While all the chaos has been going on on some level things have been knitting together…like the way a broken bone aches even while it is healing. I try to remember this.

In my life things reach a head - relationships/friendships suddenly become fraught and fall apart as well. In my anger I could just walk away - go ostrich - turn bitter, flee to faraway - but I know these things are not coming up for nothing. I have something to learn always and also the challenge is to come out of the inevitable devastation and be able to re establish something better than before. Something released of all the fraught emotions one finds onesself caught up in. Something pristine and able. Please God.

I am lucky because the people I have had these clearings with are also insightful and at the base good good people. We look at the debris together and we move on. For that I am grateful and my faith in peoples inherent capacity for good is restored. Relationships are a huge aspect of my teaching this lifetime and I am so foul at them. I gaff badly. I feel ashamed sometimes that my mastery is so pathetic. That my insecurity is so vast. I have a chakra not operative in the 2nd center and I am trying to address this in my life now. What I have been through the past few months further shattered things in that area. It’s a tough one. Give me the golden glow of the higher chakras anyday. Down in the nether regions the work is tough & I stumble about.
I think without Pete’s enduring love and acceptance when I am having a true whirlygig - I don’t know where I would be. He has this capacity to become like a pillar for both of us. Peter means ‘rock’ and it is true he is indeed my rock.

On a very personal level - the truth is I am afraid of my own creativity. Partly because I know I don’t ‘own’ it. It’s a borrowed phenomena. It comes from a primal preconcious place in my being. If I go there - I can’t play my own bullshit. I can’t have my defences. It’s very vulnerable and I dip into the water from time to time but I am one heck of a good swimmer - everytime I am able to get myself out. And each time even though I am rejuvenated I am also simultaneously freaked out by the magnitude. It’s an honest relief to get out. In the center I am immersed. But outside sitting on the periphery I get a sense of boundary & safeness. I can circle around things and my logic resurfaces. I feel cohesive - human. Not like a white bolt of energy contained in a rainbow that moves.

Now the days of playing the safe games within myself are over and I know I must allow this flow to consistantly be in my life. No more boundary sitting. I must say goodbye to all the old familiar safe things I have so meticulously manufactured. Yikes. I just don’t know if I have the courage for this tbh. Will I skirt about peripherally forever with only brief surrenders?

I have moments I think I actually could turn to drink.

It’s quite metaphoric for me that I am potentially moving towards reconstructive surgery too at this time. Inside & out the surgery continues!

When I think about it - I can see that in reality we are always becoming new. Everyday the body is in a change. I once read every six months or so the body has reconstructed itself and replaced all cells - that is an awesome thought. What I find so fascinating is that becoming new is a constant. It does not stop at some goal. It goes on and on. Process. River flowing. Blue sky.

Today I am making a mala. Sandalwood beads are the biz to work with. I love the earthy warmth and how the smell claims me. I am knotting mine on silk and will try my hand at creating a tassel to complete it. 99 Beads for the 99 names of Allah. I am trying to be respectful but I can’t help wondering if these names of Allah are in fact archetype energies yet again. But then again even archetypes are God’s work and the seed of God lies withing each one….mmmmmm.
Funny how suddenly my life during this ‘Islamic phase’ of my learning I connect strongly with Islamic people. Fascinating. Of course I don’t want to stay in the pond of Islamic teachings or adopt any religion (*YIKES!*)…but this is really one of the last that I am trying to get a handle on - no wonder really, it is a complex religion. I feel though that as it is at the root of Sufism it deserves some little understanding. I start to see in this religion the fervour. That is not a bad thing except when it’s of the brainwashed variety. What is interesting for me too though is the Love inherent the warmth & sense of community.
In Sufism this fervour transmutes into a state of divine ‘madness’ - there are not the words and madness has such dark connatations really - so I am grappling here as usual - lol. Unknowing might be a better word. Anyway it is not a permanent state it is a doorway state. But it is interesting to see the same dynamic transmuting out of it’s roots. Like Perfume.

On more mundane matters I have begun the yurt endevour. Contacted a joiner who sounds enthusiastic - I just hope he can do this on a budget - think I might be a tad optimistic. This one might yet fall by the wayside if it becomes financially not viable…still one can but try.

Contacted surgeon in Germany - looks like I might if lucky get an appoint here in London. He is coming here in early December. I am somewhat alarmed now & feel like back tracking just as I did with my DS. I am so NOT brave. My predominant question is terribly sad (I should no better) but I only want to know about pain relief methods -lol. The cost is startling - I won’t give a figure but I could put down a deposit for a small house. Oh gawd.
I decide no more late night telly watching the gruesome extreme makeovers. Talking of telly tonight at 9pm there is a program on Mongolia I want to watch. Sky 1. It might just put me off that idea too -lol.

Enough now - I must go and cook. I have a hunk of good looking fillet that is begging to be done. I have leeks and mushrooms and fromage frais. There are good baby potato’s. Something can happen.

A day of fermenting plans and taking the bull by the horns so to speak.
I think it is a bit of a ying time in my life - darkly mysterious and highly feminine in energy. Retreat, withdrawal, collecting of idea’s and energy…but also a day of connection and consolidating things. Very I-Ching. I might toss the coins later come to think of it - it’s been a while & I feel a calling coming on.

I am forging a collection of work - no easy task as it takes planning & more planning. Exchanged some good e-mails today with business in mind. Promising stuff. I feel the jewellery aspect needs expanding into a more wholistic picture to include clothing and accessories. I need to get a website up and humming very shortly - there are people out there I must collaborate with - I’ll probably be doing a few day/overnight trips around the country. Quite nice the thought of that.

Not much to write about today really - also clearing my workspaces in a bid to declutter the old mind too. Had tea with my neighbour and friend - we had a scare this week when she suddenly got very ill and had to call an ambulance out. I was beside myself not knowing if I should rush over or stay put. In the end I thought it best not to go over and interfere with the flow of things but I did go into panic mode seeing the ambulance parked outside. Luckily it was just a vile mid ear infection and she is recovering well now.

Chatting with Pete about possibilities and timing. So many other things to do inbetween the grand plans x 100. Need to find a decent carpenter-joiner for the Yurt. Need to arrange Mark’s help with a lick of paint in the house plus an autumn tidy up in the garden among a long list.

Phoned my mum and caught up on all the family news. A good old natter and lovely as always to connect with her.

With any luck I will visit Sue(a DS patient)in Kings Hosp tomorrow - looking forward to that. Perhaps later if my mate Joc has arrived from South Africa I shall meet up with her for dinner.

Back to the drawingboard now. Designs in various stages and thoughts flowing strongly.

Feck, just remembered it is near dinnertime and I have forgotten to buy food! Mmmmmm…omellettes for dinner then.

Thinking on things. Flashbacks too - the moon full and voluptuos above the spires of Islam and seagulls caught in light swirling over the Blue Mosque. The young street children…innocent faces living in a far from innocent world. The young brothers I saw curled up sleeping in each others arms in a telephone booth still comes to me. I still see the beautiful faces asleep - how children look so angelic when they are asleep you can forgive them anything! Long fringes of dark eyelashes resting on still peachy cheeks. How their arms fell over each othe small comfort in a bloody crap world that deserts it’s children. And I remember too how deep inside me the helplessness turned and bit. How ineffectual as a human being I am that I do nothing. It sickens me sometimes my own lethargy in the face of such desperation.

And then the marmara sea - it’s long blueness and the boats that float on her. The tang of salt on the warm breeze. The Sufi music that came out of the local cd shop - it always put a desperate urge in me to whirl wildly like a spinning top down the street - lol. They play several gorgeous tracks - then you go buy the cd and it only has one nice track on it - buying Sufi music can end up being an expensive business -lol.
I see the food shops and my ‘friends’ there - men that work from 6am to 2 am…and they still banter with one and keep smiling.

But now I am here in England. It’s beautiful too I just need to keep looking past the clouds and feeling of damp I always get at this time of year. Outside my window autumn has been sinking into the plants. The Virginia creeper is as red as I have ever seen one- it’s a mad plant twisting around everything, but it’s autumn colour is worth it’s rampant habits. The Liquidamber I planted several years ago is starting with it’s autumn song too - beautiful! I look forward to the maples doing likewise but it’s a bit early for them yet. I must ask Mark to come and help me tidy the first leaf fall.

My weightloss continues - I thought I was stabilising - but not sure now. After long deliberations I will take out my old rusty scale next week I think. I am happy to be in my BMI range for ‘normal’ (HATE that word!)…but do not want to slip further down. This is so strange as I eat well and apart from sugar reduction(she says biting heftily into a cadbury orange chips choc -lol!) nowt has changed really. Pete & the children continue to be my eyes - they say at this weight I look very good so I accept that. I still can’t really see myself though recently I have had what I can only call a feeling of slim. It comes and goes as does my confidence over the old body figure. I have written to the surgeon in Germany who is doing this incredible work. I have appealed for help and guidance & hope I get a reply. I am interested in his experience with obese patients specifically. Well let’s see - I am going to be a challenge with my lopsidedness and multiple needs.

I have recently again persued the thought that there is no final destination with WLS. It is something that puts one into a lifelong process… a concept I like to toy with. I laff now thinking on how at one stage I only wanted that 85% EWL so desperately and how like a dream a 97%plus EWL ensued like a miracle. Like a dream. Even now I am grateful everyday. But then it is the reconstructive stuff calling - or the headstuff - make no error it goes on. There is a part of me though that has moved beyond all that…. but alas it is so elusive. It comes and goes like a reminder call to me that beyond everything, beyond the clutter in my head, the baggage on my bod - beyond all these things there is blue sky and a sense of deep peace.

Hello from the greasyspoon macdonalds internet cafe here on Princes street. It’s been a godsend though I have to type fast for my hours worth, lol.

Today a mellow morning - much lolling about drinking tea & daydreaming really. Then a good lunch of chicken pot roast with thyme gravy and a load of delicious buttery mash & crunchy veggies. I should not eat so much mash but I like it and tbh as long as I am not gaining what’s the point of not partaking in lifes small pleasures. That done I hit the streets and caught a taxi to a warehouse called the ‘Nomads Tents’ ever so appropriately to my life right now. I think really I am an urban nomad…and I dread the idea of the nine to five of suburbia. I have itchy feet - terribly so - I don’t know how I shall cope with myself in this respect. Paris calls, Mongolia calls, Iran calls, Kurdistan calls, Africa too. So does a visit somewhere to a surgeon or two for the bodystuff. I have an inner wind blowing (no - not the ubiquitous DS one, lol!) but one that stirs deep in my spirit making me so damn restless. I don’t want to sit still. As well my body carries me so well now where would I be without my surgery. I often think that - VERY often. I don’t mind the little things I sometimes must sort out because sans this DS I would be sitting infront of the telly wishing with all my heart I could travel. Instead - here I am doing it.

Anyway if in Edinburgh it’s worth a visit to The Nomads Tent if you have an interest in good carpets and textiles from Iran, Turkey & India. I had a great afternoon browsing through piles of cloth and finding a few very special pieces. A pair of beautiful sewn velvet cuffs for a Kurdish Woman (Aziz would be proud of me for ferretting out a small piece of his social history!) - the embroidery is just beautifully executed and all by hand. An elaborate collar from Tukmenistan. Again the detail is beautiful. I bought a pendant - fire gilded with carnelian for a necklace that is still waiting to spring to life in my mind.
I felt so relaxed and happy and felt connected once more to that side of the world.

I then caught a taxi to High Street and browsed all the shops along that stretch ending up with some small Christmas angels as gifts for my mum, Pete’s mum and my aunt. Pretty blown glass ones that catch the light & sparkle. I can’t believe it is very nearly christmas again. Amazing. Where has the year gone?

I walked home and the light was something else - a huge opening of Light in the clouds - like a break - flooding through the sky in golden rays. It looked like the painting of a great master. I half expected to see the Archangel Gabriel appear through the crack or some other Godly omen …but Gabriel must be very busy today. I continuosly marvel at the architecture here - it’s just gracious and elegant. I love the proportions of the buildings and streets.

So another wonderful day. I have very much enjoyed visiting here and have also spent some very good time with Pete which is an added bonus. Tonight us two are off to a French Restaurant with excellent write-ups. Fancy a fillet steak myself. The sticky toffee pud there is legendary I hear, so will see - DS fairies willing . Must be off still need to visit WLSinfo before my pounds dry up on me!

Hello from internet cafe Edinburgh. The smell in here puts me off MaccyD’s forever. A pungent greasyspoon one volume smell - no subtle under or overtones -lol. Even my tea is tasteless cardboard.
Sitting here - yesterday comes to mind. And flashbacks of Istanbul still… but there’ll be time enough to reminicse on this later. Yesterday I went to Rosslyn Chapel. How utterly magnificent this building is. It is a rich exploration of symbology and also the roots of mysticism. How I love it that ordinary religions still have a place for the mad such as myself. I could never belong to the constraints of conventional biblical perception as the whole thing for me has always been a symbolical subtle light system…not the literal perception foisted on us by the Churches too often. I can run to this realm where all religion & indeed philosophies converge. Wonderful. Wonderful to stand in this small but perfectly formed chapel and feel the ley lines of the Spirit converge in the carvings, the stories told, the sandstone, the aura of the place. I stood between the two pillars of wisdom as depicted in the tarot card the High Priestess and I was gobsmacked that right here I could experience this. Everywhere are the faces of green man - so wonderfully pagan, Holy Angels, stories of the plight of being human. The place is profound. Peaceful. It was a rich experience. I left feeling nourished and relieved that in the fog of belief there still exists sometimes pools of clear light. (To crib a Buddhist description.)

In the afternoon I had a wee rest to assimalate and absorb the morning…later I went to have the hair done at the local Toni & Guys. While there a number of woman admired my necklace and were impressed when I told them I had made it myself. One said her friend would love to see it and gave her mate a call. Next thing I am potentially signed up to provide my work to her. She showcases artists work that relates to fashion & I liked her feel & energy. I will spend time later looking through her work to decide if I will go for it. Nice though to be acknowledged and it’s always wonderful to meet others - those rare birds that flaunt convention and cross from the high street into true adornment principles. While there I learned Ramadan had started and was able to connect with some Turkish friends to wish them Allah’s Light & Blessings for Ramadan.

This all done Julie came round to my hotel and proceeded to work magic & miracles on my grotty old hands & chipped nails - all the worse for a stint at my worktable. She did a French manicure - it’s really subtle though not the kind of hard edged tippex look - very natural but clean looking. I wish she lived close by I would frequent her abilities. Still today my hands are soft and good looking showhorses for my rings.
Thanks Julie.
Then we went off to Nargile together. Wow! - what delicious food. No nargile pipes mind you but I did not care because the food was great and the company even better. It’s so nice to catch up with friends.

Today - a long lazy morning thinking. Thinking & more thinking. Inbetween I am reading a funny book on Africa - so very true - a man who is not caught up in the romantic idea of Africa - nor the strange sentimental kind of hyper PC (well, it’s okay to deem you racist if you are a White South African. lol) take I often encounter here in the UK. I can only imagine there was a time TV played a part in persuading the masses of the hateful whites and this was extended laterally and bi laterally , horizontally and vertically until we were all tarred with the same old brush bar a few hero’s. Ah well, it happens… but I love how this man cuts to the quick. How he displays acute understanding clear and sharply unfettered by his ‘idea’s’. I laugh out aloud and wonder that the book has not been shot down by all and sundry. Oh my brutal Africa! My lovelybeautiful brutal Africa! He knows her well & yet it’s just stated as so- not shot down. Stated for what it is and then despite the doom & gloom and dire warnings bless the man he embarks on a trainride from Cairo to the Cape. My kind of soul that.

Then I went shopping. Oh my. Edinburgh is a shoppers paradise. Clothes. I cannot believe how I fit into teenage gear -lol. I have to curb myself - remind myself I have an age that needs dignity appended to it. But in the end I bought the flipping pleated miniskirt anyway -lol. I have not the confidence to wear it with only tights - not just yet but it looks great over a pair of black pants. I bought also a superb black top and a huge funky bright yellow bag that made me smile cos it is so exuberant. Yus - I think I can live with being yet smaller size now.
I notice I STILL can’t say the word ’slim’ - I can’t do that. I am always ’slimmer’ or ‘a smaller size’ but I can’t get my head into SLIM. Point blank. I notice these things.

Today thinking too on insecurities one has - okay I have. I think it’s not just my problem though it’s very much a human problem. I don’t know what the ‘medicine’ for this is. I found myself alighting on the idea that feeling desirable would potentially correct this - that the issue underlying insecurity of the physical/sexual kind is that it’s just one feels so bloody undesirable. Droopy, disfigured - it is hard to try to get that mental edge one needs to work through this. It’s a big work - I don’t know if I can do it. I said to Pete I don’t like talking about it because I am so very very grateful on the level of my body is working…& working well. How far have I come…but still I hit these issues in myself. Part of me believes that’s enough of a gift really. But I still can’t help feeling if I could just lick this last leg (ha ha what ‘last’ leg!!!?) - ok - I mean this leg of the journey oh, it would be good.
Still - I wonder is it related to my weight thing - seems to be most people suffer this WLS or not. I know the shape of it all is in my head not my body so much. I just don’t know how to right things there.
I’d like to do this before any reconstructive surgery. I can’t rely on reconstructive surgery to do it for me - I think it will remove the jagged edges but it is still not going to give me the body perfect!

We plan a quiet restful evening being together - perhaps a pleasant meal out and early bedtime - we like to lie reading together - completely different books which always amuses me. He enters strange programmers worlds or mysteries while I peruse photo’s of a thousand reconstructed breasts and read novels of travels to untamed lands. Well, at least we don’t ever bore each other to tears.