Dances with DS

Well it’s got to be Murphy’s law. There I was this week proudly proclaiming that I have not had to use Flagyl in years and WHAM! I had severe bloating last night for no given reason - at least 6 months preg type stuff - sooooooooooooo painful that I moan and groan. Worst is that being slimmer I can actually see and feel these massive airpockets in my colon. Panic Panic panic. I am still no good at feeling foul. A quick run through the week reveals a wobbly bowel for several days. Just errattic - 3 times a day stuff which is rare for this once a day person. I tried to correct things with the acidophilus but an overreaction with the biscuit tin yesterday threw a bad situation in my colonic garden into worse. There is a point of pain when it is collecting in the upper body squeezing your lungs that you know - no more mucking about. I am needless to say on flagyl and hope to soon be windfree. Better already this morning - thank heavens it kicks in fast. To support it - the biscuit tin has been put out of sight. The protein shall flow forth today. Kicked off with my 4 eggs.

Today - Matt’s dental appointment - Zazen off to the groomers - a long commute between the two - that’s the afternoon gone then. There is still packing to be done for Scotland trip and e-mails to be written.

I am enquiring about body lifts/ breat lift etc. Nervously. Researching late at night with the same determination I put into my DS research all those years ago when everyone just scoffed at the ‘new procedure’ on the block - lol. My thoughts on the issue - again I think I am going abroad. Why?

Well, for starters the bariatric body is it’s own. It is unique and the way it has been devastated is unique. It should be a specialist field of reconstruction and in the USA it is fast becoming this. I like that. Look it hangs differently from a body merely stretched by childbirth - it’s incomparable.
I’m not convinced we can take a good facelift procedure and leap from that to bariatric reconstruction. I dunno. It might just be me. I am highly cautious. I think if a man does great face lifts get a facelift with him. Get boobs even. But I know the work it will take to correct my lower abdomen. It is going to be one helluva job. I want deft straight cuts without pauses inherent in the work. I want symmetry and a belly button that looks like one. I want assurance that all possible shall be done to minimise adhesion formation so I want to know the surgeons philosophy regarding my tissue. Yes - I place a tall order. Just like I did with my DS surgeon. And not a week has gone by that I don’t think how pleased I am I went to the most experienced surgeon because I am living the positive outcome of my choices now. I do feel strongly that experience is the backbone of consistent excellence.

What is the experience in this country as it stands? Individually & collectively? Just how many true bariatric reconstructions have been performed here?
I have looked long and hard - there are some appalling reconstructions out there (both here & abroad) where woman are funnelled into shapeless straight up & down shapes with a pubic mound attached…and a strange bellybuttons galore. Yikes!!! No - soz but that is really disturbing. It has put me off for a very long time. Why would I want to look like my lower body is just my upper body hiked down and attached around my hips? ( Ok I know it is but the look must not be there you know!) One needs a highly sensitive aesthetic here. Technical know how is just part of it - having an eye - that’s the true gift part and the hardest part for me as prospective patient to determine.

I notice that the rougher ‘bodylifts’ were the case with the first wave of patients in the US - but they have walked a good way down the road now & I want to benefit from that experience. Here I feel they might still need to move through all of this rather as the DS had to move through multicomplications to reach stability. I could just be barking up my own tree here but that’s my feeling.

I want to be tight with a nice curved waist that looks real as anything. Not a straight up & down affair for which I pay a small fortune. I want a surgeon who is more than surgeon - he must be sculptor too. Artist. When I find this man I shall be very happy.

At the risk of coming under fire - I really cannot understand how a surgeon who has never felt a bariatric body before, who has perhaps done a handful of surgeries on weightloss patients can be expected to deliver top grade work consistently. I think it may be largely improvisation and I am sure some are damn good at it and well worth going too - but me - I want to play it so safe because I am scared. Shite scared, brickin it, crappin myself. That’s A. I know exactly how painful my caesers were it is still a strong imprint 18 years on! I have no delusions. B - I am not going to be looking at my body after the fact - daily thinking why did I put myself through that? My expectations are completely unrealistic. I want wow factor. I will be happy if we get halfway there but I am setting my expectations very high purposefully.

I want a surgeon who has performed not 30 - but hundreds of reconstructions and has a huge experience with body lift techniques and bariatric patients. As usual I want it all. And there are men out there in the USA doing this exact kind of work, with vast experience. So I am looking there - New York to be specific. I plan to boil down to 3 choices and visit each one to get a feel for everything. The job: lift my bum, thighs, straighten & tighten full abdominal area. Boobs - possibly - thinking on it. That’s the plan & my hitlist is growing - lol. On the other hand it is not written in cement - I might back out altogether and just live with how I am. I am still very undecided but also think meeting someone who really could materialise my vision for me might inject a lot more determination on my part. We shall see…watch this space.

Soooo ..yurt, bodylift, boobie job, Scotland trip, other plans too - it is all hyper. I hope I will somehow get to grips with it all plus the day to day things.

Nice to see some of our more leading surgeons moving towards a practical understanding of our vitamin requirements. I am very much hoping this sort of bold attitude might save the DS day - it’s a relief to see tbh …for years I have felt it has just been Jane’s small voice (backed by my Prof) in the wilderness. Though of course there are many responsible surgeons who advocate a decent routine and it always just feels one is alone. check out the vits/mins requirement of this surgeon
Interesting that the calcium, should be increased - I had come to this idea myself but it is pertinent that it is being medically advocated now. I think I shall be doing this shortly though probably only by 1000gms more ( and following my dexa which btw I can’t get on the NHS according to my GP - wot’s news). Got to think of my zinc absorption too. I will go with the powder form which incidentally I might have a contact for if others are interested (just let me know). She has a mix of Vit D, calcium citrate & magnesium, all powderform. I reckon my D level is ok - just - but it is not going to harm me to move even closer to Scopinaro’s precepts regarding Vit D. Some surgeons at the IFSO were indeed advocating we use sunbeds - something I recall getting a mild lambasting for from some quarters when I raised it as a possibility for DSers last year sometime. Never mind - we are getting used to that -lol

I have had 3 years of optimal health with my DS & boy do I intend a lifetime of it. I am also convinced that right attitude, right research, right discipline and the DS patient need never turn into a malnourished wreck and my whole message has always been about prevention as the first course of action as far as humanly possible. We CAN do it.
Anyway for now this is all very secondary on my burner because my flames are kickin’ - LOL.

Moving on - this morning waking up in that hazy warm kind of moment where one is drifting into the day - I had this beautiful perception of how nothing is ever meaningless - and how in reality there really is no seperation at all. A perfect doublewhammy but it allayed my grief over all my percieved seperations and ‘losses’ of late and I suddenly felt so deeply comforted & well, held in an infinite pure lovingness. I can’t boil it down into words really because it just is like flogging it… is’nt it! No wonder the Sufi’s resort to poetry and the Zen Buddhists resort to Koans. Sometimes I paint small pictures that still feebly relate my inner world and write reams of poetry to hang my life on for observation. Sometimes I scrabble for words to try to shift the gears of others perception (& my own) - but it is difficult…there is a point we have to take leave of words. Sometimes deep in the night I sit crafting a piece of work as meditation…and this way transitioning seems more flowing and more gentle.
But I have to smile - no effort at all to lie in ones warm soft bed and enter the Divine (or better to say have the Divine enter though truth is I don’t know if that is not a completely simultaneous happening - only afterwards one thinks on the small details -lol). Insights come thick and fast - no hesitation, no trickery, just a flowing… a beautiful profound loving flowing. Lesson Margaret my dear - lesson??? (*throwing head back and laughing from the belly!*)

This morning I feel deeply at peace. I pray this will stay with me because recently I have walked very much on the wild side in a place most people do not go by choice and boyoboy I certainly know why not. But I also kind of get why - too. It is all God’s Grace & more than that I cannot say.

I added a new link at the side - Fiona’s jewellery website. Give it a browse she is making lovely pieces.

Also that this Saturday I am off to Edinburgh & looking very forward to being there. My friend Julie and I shall spend some time in each others company which I always enjoy greatly.

I’m going to have to think on how I will spend my time there as Pete will be working all day. Gosh I sound like a right little princess -lol.
Think I will go to the National Park to revel in the Maples (perhaps they have autumn colours already). Also intend to take in an auction or two.
Need to try to determine where antique shops are too. And of course nothing beats just dining out on the life on the streets.

I love these times when I am in cities just walking and on the go, but the one drawback is I have to shelve plans and it does take me longer to ultimately accomplish things. My yurt will have to wait.
Then again I would rather be seizing the day.

I hope we will have internet access part of the time so I can fulfil some of my WLSinfo duties & hopefully pop in a blog or two.

Istanbul. My beloved crazy city. I’m sorry to asssociate her with toilets so much but every DSer knows the importance of a decent loo. There are moments in the day when I think on the bliss of a bidet type toilet. The ones in Istanbul have a tap to the side - turn it on and woohoo it hits the exact spot! The cool water on rear end and a good soaping (with biodegradable natural soap) right there in the bowl. Luxury. Also commonsense - much less loo paper for the world to contend with. And not once did my botty feel close to a pile or a strain. Goodstuff a bidet loo.
My own pathetic excuse for a toilet sets up longing in my heart. My own loo is a sad lopsided seat that for some reason won’t sit straight. The closest I can get to perfect cleanliness is to wipe with baby wipes (a sorry substitute)..then waddle pants around ankles to the bath edge for a shot of the old hand shower. The fact I have nearly killed myself twice undergoing this treacherous meter to clean bottom heaven means little what else can I do. I have developed a Muslim affliction - this dire need to wash myself frequently.

I miss my chickpeas. Tomorrow I shall visit Asya to stock up. Right now of course when there is not a chickpea to be found for hundreds of miles around I am having violent cravings!

I miss the way I was adopted by people - but I also think perhaps if I am excruitiatingly honest it’s my own fault to a degree that this does not happen here too. I go there open as anything. I come back here & I start feeling too odd too otherwise too fekking everything. I don’t know why I do this - I have to think on this business. I think partly because internally my doors are all wide open I close the more external ones as a measure of protection. I also see my own smoke and mirrors in this - bloody headstuff! One day it will all go. I think that might be a fine day.
I have a wee hunch it begins with releasing some limiting thoughts. Guess who will be doing a bit of the old thought chasing for the next few weeks then ( wrinkling nose in disdain!)

Pete just came in with some beautiful flowers for me - blue delphiniums my favourites - these are the resonance of the sky. Lilys - beautiful pale pink ones and carnations that are a lovely deep pink colour and have that spicy kind of smell.

A nice catch up call today with one of my Euro friends who has the DS. Seems the PTH /calcium problems are peaking there too - lovely old carbonate(?) - but what can one say - those deficient are using it. The connection cannot be heresay or rocket science surely?
(Bear in mind I really might be entirely wrong and skewed… these are only my observations and it’s highly possible that I bark up the wrong tree… I would love the substansiated evidence to prove I am. I add - just my opinion what I write.)

We discussed the unique frustration of it - some surgeons okay it (but never justify it in real terms) and it weirdly negates the outcomes staring us in the face. I just know it is not my fight anymore - I have said what I can on the matter. I’m finished - bone problems have the potential to eventually corrode the DS reputation here and in Europe but if the medical professionals advocating these poor practices nutritionally cannot see this - it’s their loss not mine. Not only will this undermine DS but also they may most unfortunately get the reputation of being poor surgeons in the longerterm - plus spend much time trying to sort out deficiencies. A great pity as they are all excellent surgeons, invaluable to us.
JIB revisited? It’s happening right now.

I can but shrug… In my private capacity all I can do is try to help my peers that contact me who are afraid and deeply upset about their deficiencies. Difficult one for me as they require proper medical help (but ain’t always getting it). One small bright lining is at least it is being discussed and acknowledged by some of the DS surgeons - apparently it was talked about in some depth at the IFSO. So a silver lining here :-).

I think my friend is still banging her head on the wall. Especially hard for her as her own surgeon has said carbonate is ok. She argues with him & puts her case forth - it seems he is not countering (interesting how little countering to our arguments there often is) - I have to give it to her she is fiesty -lol. But she is also very very intelligent indeed. Also she has swung a major PTH problem around and I think that is pretty amazing. It was a difficult one…but interesting to me to hear her speak of the fears and the hardship connected to it all and why she would use citrate over carbonate everytime. Plus her Vit D ranges - exactly as Scopinaro said - why oh why do we not study that man’s papers with a fine toothcomb???

I look at her and know where she is coming from. I see her good intentions. I feel her frustrations and how she is sidelined at times. I admire her guts. But I also know the agonising, the worrying, the protectiveness to preserve the DS as a little gem - all this is just going to wear her down & for what?
So I hope she at least does not feel so alone. That is the best we can hope for as we all travel our DS road.

One that made me laugh!

Mullah Nasruddin decided he would start a new business, raising donkeys. So he spoke to the best minds and found that his largest expense would be food. He decided that the way to increase his profit margin would simply be to feed the donkey less. He began to train his first donkey by starting with a normal meal and then slowly, day by day, cutting down on the donkey’s ration.
At first it seemed to be working really well. The donkey even looked better after a few days and Mullah was much encouraged. He continued to gradually reduce the food even more. However just as gradually the donkey started to look more and more unhappy and weaker and weaker. Finally it could not even stand. And then it died.

‘Too bad’, said Mullah - ‘if only it had held out a little longer I would have trained it to live on nothing.’

So what’s a yurt?

This is what a Yurt is

Today - further Yurt research has ensued. These are not cheap to buy outright (start price is over £1000 so I think if possible I must source my own componants and make one from the ground up. An interesting venture.

I have the space in my back garden - I’m thinking a 4m by 4m diameter if it will fit my spot. I want a woodburning stove in it too - luxury! And lights. I want a first century yurt here. I like my comforts & this is for relaxing. But especially I want to be in a space that is only for relaxation as top priority. I think it will be an ideal space for my yoga too. I do know that here in the UK we have completely forgotton what relaxation actually is. Oddly a pub is not my idea of relaxation though for some it is just the ticket. I think our weather is also not conducive to it either. In places like SA & Istanbul we live outdoors with the sunshine melting our muscles. It just has a vibe.

Best thing is that it only takes a few hours to erect & if we move on we can dismantle it easily. I know this is a very huge leap - but today my universe is strangley bent. Today driving through some of the villages en route to Shere for a pub lunch with Pete - I have to say these villages are a sorry and sad blight on the land. I think Yurts should have been compulsory living - green, low maintainance, sympathetic to humans. I really detest the harsh brick structure I live in with it’s lack of soul, lack of energy, lack of beauty. It’s ghastly…but then this is just me I am becoming seriously strange -lol. Pete went a bit pale when I said actually I thought we might consider selling our 1930’s monostrosity to someone who loves these houses & moving ourselves into the country into a yurt complex. My poor darling - what he must contend with! Still - I am thinking on this hard now. Problem with me is I easily go in my head from a backyard yurt to life in an exquisite field somewhere with a view & multiple yurts. LOL.

For now let’s build the first one. I shall call a few carpenters in this week to discuss it and to see if I can find a company willing to sew me canvas covers. Take it from there.

Pete and I had a nice lunch of ham, eggs and chips (or rather I did - his egg was burnt & not too good). I think my restriction is back in force because I ate little (Thick slice of ham, 2 eggs and quarter the chips) but felt hugely full. Strange. Probably it will pass too - I don’t mind as I feel if I graze I can still get that vital enjoyment factor.

We then went to the antiques shop for a ferret about - I found a chinese flower arrangement - all made up of jade. High Kitsch but I think it could be disassembled and something spectacular made out of it. That is the plan. I’ll have to do something seriously creative as when my Kate saw it she was very shocked I would stoop so low in my aesthetics - lol.

We drove home through green fields - so beautiful. We passed an old ruin of a cathedral I think - it had that kind of high frontal apex - and it looked ethereal in the light down here today. It’s cloudy but in a dramatic kind of way & the light is definately yellow tinged which makes blues and greens stand out a lot. Past the ruin ran a stream and there were gorgeous old oak trees on the land. I feel rested and happy. However - there is a vast salmon to be prepared for the dinner tonight and it is time to go do a bit of the old housework (yyyyeeeuuuch!) - how’s that for coming back down to earth -lol!

Thinking today on how in my life there are these times when everything is about just letting go. I’m not good at this. It amazes me how the let-go brigade of this age are so very able. It seems easy for them…just hock it all out there and leave it to God the Universe - whatever! Not I. Nope. I cling like a wee limpet beating off the tide. My whole need to control comes up in my face and I sweat the small stuff. I doubt God. I doubt myself. It’s not easy. But ultimately when I have completely exhausted myself and there is no choice left I am out there too flying my little let-go flag.

I am SOAKING up my family right now - it’s a joy to be with them. I have felt starved of them. Pete took me out for a lovely meal last night in London. I had a delish fillet with a superb bearnaise sauce & sauted potatoes. On route we passed a shop full of Nargile Pipes. We bought a proud mother of a Nargile…beautiful thing it is - Apple and mint tobacco, coals - the whole outfit. Some young lads in the shop were deeply taken with the strange forty somethink buying a shisha pipe - they struck up conversation with Pete and I. They gave us loads of good tips. The gentleman selling me the evil deed was very kind and let me put together a pipe of many colours in the exact ones I liked. I appreciated that - after all a shisha is something that must be carefully chosen. Mine is blues. We arrived home - and I set it up. Lovvvvverly! I had an hysterically funny and completely ridiculous vision of Ken & thought we might look a right strange lot in the same room - me puffin’ on the Nargile and Ken in his kaftan! LOL. It occurs to me at these times I might be odd but others are even odder *chuckle & wikked grin*.

The children have varying reactions. Luke and Kate think it is soooo funny and happily imbibe with their mother. Matt is not so keen that I do this. He has fears my old addictions will surface but we put that to rest. It’s a weekend thing only and then only in a social context. After all I am as sickeningly pure as anything and each person should have a small vice!

Tonight was quite fun the children had friends around (they are all adult!) and we had Shisha and we talked and they could not believe how relaxed they felt. Several said they would stop smoking & rather do this once a week.
So we are thinking perhaps we will put up a yurt or something similar - and create a space that is 100% no TV, no stress.
So guess who is researching yurts - do they have rainproof ones? I think a yurt would be good stuff.

Today we went to Costo and Pete bought me a lovely watch - a good thing as I lose time so easily of late. Best of all it works with my rings - quite hard to find a watch that does really and the reason why I never wore a watch before. We had a great drive there - so good to be with my darling.

We bought the usual loo rolls and loads of food - the steak is lovely. I made a huge steak hotpot tonight and all the kids have been dipping into it so at this rate there’ll be none left for my brekki! Then we went to our fav bookshop - where you can sit in huge squishy armchairs and drink latte and chill out. I think this is the main reason we go to Costo tbh. The diversion on the way home! I bought a couple of interesting books and a Nitin Sawhney CD.

DS status - mmmm a bit dicey today - will take a bit of yogurt later and an acidophilus. I think the guts is trying to adjust to the much richer food I am eating.

All in all really nice day today.

Slowly I am landing on planet Britain. Very slowly. The cold has hit me full on and I am wearing an old fashioned little vest to keep warm. I miss the Turkish weather but even there soon it shall be cold. I miss the Turkish abundance of contact - though also in some ways not. I feel weird and disconnected…I just cannot seem to belong and fit in (old cry I know. And I don’t know why there are times this bothers me and other times not at all. )

In Istanbul I was constantly complimented on my sense of dress and often stopped so questions could be asked. Here I know I just look and feel - well, in my own world I suppose. Ah well. What can be done? It’s adjustment time and of course given a few weeks I’ll have settled better.

I am enjoying cooking right now ( I don’t always) - but it gives me pleasure to feed my family well. I enjoy their enjoyment of the meals I make. I am eating just a little better too - not much but it is better. I really think perhaps I have just reached another stage of normalisation in all of this? I don’t know. Time will tell. Most of the time except when I am in the depths of no appetite - I still love preparing and eating good nourishing food - I’d still say I am a foodie at heart - BUT I feel deep within me an obbsession has gone. I do not think of it much - if food is not available I do not mind the odd hunger pang. There was a time I would cry if I felt hungry . No more.

This said boldly - let me share with you a delicious Kofta Recipe:
I make these in the morning and snack on them all day - they are delicious.

Large packet of Lamb mince (beef does at a push)
1 teaspoon of curry powder if you just want the tang but be liberal if you like real curry taste
1 or 2 eggs
1 cup of breadcrumbs
half teaspoon of ginger
half teaspoon garlic
salt
pepper
chopped fresh coriander ( I add about 4 teaspoons)

Mix together - form into lozenge shapes about a cm and a half thick and fry till cooked through in olive oil. Drain and eat throughout the day. Delish!
If you need to eat low fat then these can be cooked very carefully on a low boil in hot stock.

Other stuff - still running through backlogs. Also spending time reconnecting with my family and with friends on the phone.

Inwardly assessing the lessons I have had and assimalating. Trying to move on. Trying.

Thinking too on reconstructive surgery but this comes and goes in my life. But have decided it would be great to have tits that stay in one place -lol. Soz. It’s true!
Panni - well with the latest drop in weight it has formed a strange center crease and I think it really could do with a vanishing act too. I think I shall at least make an appointment, go for a consultation and get onto the waiting list for now. Then we shall see.

BTW I am adjusted to the latest drop and think I am now stable which is nice. I am at my thinnest since I had my DS - my rings swivel on my fingers and my tight jeans and belts hang loose. I still won’t weigh myself but these are sure signs. I had some panic about this late development but I am starting to see just how fantastic it is - the longerterm outcome with the DS is darned excellent and it should be spoken about more often as a key factor in choice of WLS. In fact it should be stressed strongly.

Here I am 4 years out and have further lost weight. When it happened I called some DS friends in the US & they told me it is not uncommon at all. So there we go - it ain’t just me.
Emotionally I am adjusting and I think I’m even rather beginning to like this new weight. I am not gaunt - I am not wretchedly skinny - others tell me I look just right and at my best - and so I am now just going to stop all my personal b/s and accept this and accept it as positive thing.

Well off to do a good old tidy up - I am slowly getting the house in order once more though it was really not too bad. Then off to buy food for dinner. Back to normality in the Colman household. .. well, a semblence of normality -lol.

My last night in Istanbul was special. The moon was full and all Muslims were celebrating a special day as Ramadan is on the 5th of Oct.
My frugal living expenses had been very well managed and I felt rich! So I went to a plush restuarant and ate lamb chops and dessert. I then ordered a nargile and sat smoking away pondering my stay and feeling myself unwind.

The next day I bought a few odds and ends and did some last minute business. I said goodbye to my friends and packed my bags and was at the airport feeling exited to be coming home at last.

Now I am home. I am home with my darling husband and my three lovely children and it was a happy homecoming. I have cooked and cleaned out the fridge and stocked it with some good food - what my family ate I don’t know but Pete says he bought food on a day to day basis. I have slept in my own soft bed.

I have had great longings for my family in Istanbul - often unexpected waves of homesickness despite daily contact with Pete. I can’t express how it felt to be flying into Heathrow last night and how wonderful to be in my family’s company again.

I had a wonderful flight home. Next to me sat a lovely guy and we chatted and kept each other going through what seemed an age to get home. He had flown out as a female friend had gone there and was very unhappy and had called him and so he’d gone to the rescue. He was amazed I had held out for 2 weeks. It was a confirmation for me that I was not just imagining things about my own stay. Istanbul is a difficult place woman alone and it takes time to pierce through layers of misconception and effort to remain open to all the good aspects of the city. I’m still glad I worked through the difficulties of being a single woman in Istanbul because I think I learned a lot of invaluable things on many levels.

I’d say that the trip has been most positive for my family too - we have all had insights we’d not have had otherwise.

Zenni went mad when he saw me -weeping and showing his distress my poor little guy. Today he has not left me & follows me like a small shadow everywhere. This morning I awoke and he’d curled up in my arms bless him!

I have been trying to catch up on pm’s & e-mails. It’s very slow going so please forgive me if I only reply later this week my backlog is crazy. My kids & hubby are in need & my house needs a thorough clean up as well!

Merhaba, nasılsınız iyi misinız? Hello how are you? Well the learning goes on!
I feel clean and glowing - had my hair washed and nicely styled. Does wonders for one. I feel ın a strange way I belong here I am so acknowledged everywhere I go and treated kındly now that we are over the ınıtıal hump that every single woman tourist is easy. I had a foul start to this trip but as tıme has worn on I fınd myself relaxing deeply and think really I was just very unfortunate and the barstard was not going to do me serious damage anyway - he was just chancing his luck. Pity for him he tried it on wıth a tiger lol! I hope where I bit him it is still festering - lol.

I have learned from this that my spirit is always untouchable and stronger than I think - I learned to push forward and to move past the fears and the lesson was hard but worthwhile.

I have just been to my local eatery for lunch where I am much coddled it must be said. I feel like I am all of 5 years old! The elder there who owns it is 84 years old and as strong and fit as anything. He sees me comıng and kisses my hands then pinches my cheeks. He welcomes me and the waiters are on the run! I am given a good place to sit and I am fed and flipping fed till my lil DS guts is screaming out no no ! Lamb today with mash & vege. Aryan. Sweet rice pudding. Washed down wıth tea. Afterwards he washes my hands wıth cologne and kisses me just like you would a baby. Just incredibly endearing and innocent really.

In the end I did go to Bursa. What a wonderful journey it was too. We had a ferry rıde where I was a tad harrassed by a man ınsıstıng he take my photo on hıs mobile phone. In the end I yelled YOK! at hım and he pushed off not wishing to be seen to be a pain! Thıs phone photo story does my head ın why these guys do it I don’t know. I hope I will not fınd myself superimposed on the Turkish porn scene or something gross
but it is unavoıdable and I still hate getting my picture taken!
Well if it hits the circuit I hope the body is truly befitting - (make em 34DD please!) wink!

We visited an old ottoman vıllage - beautiful old wattle and daube structures lovingly finished wıth vegetable based paints in astonishingly vivid colours. Then on to Bursa where we visited asome beautiful mosques. I love the mosques inside people are conducting religious life as if in a village. In the center of one mosque was a magnicent old marble fountain and all around it men and children sat washıng themselves. Of course woman are off to their own not quite as lovely section…mmmmm.

A highlight for me was the Green tomb - it stands on a hill and I practically ran up the thousand steps - WOOOHOOO! - I am really quite fit from all the daily walking now. But this tomb is where one of the Sultans is buried. It is simply exquisite with utterly beautiful old tile work. I have used it as a symbol in some of the drawings I am workıng on because for me it is a place not of this earth really. It has transitioned in some mysterious way.

We then went up Mount Olympos by precarious cable car that bucked and swayed over each wheel. There was a most crass Oz woman joking about us all falling turnıng my gut for me and spikıng my anxiety. On and on she went about the way we would fall into the pines and roll down the mountainside - until I thought I might just throw up from naked fear. Charming.

The top was a disappointment - no view and some sad rangy dogs and motheaten ponies. A shop full of the most vile kitsch I have ever seen. Mostly weeds and dog poo. But the trıp down gave spectacular vıstas and made ıt all worthwhile. Then back to our luxury bus and our brilliant and knowledgable guide, Mehmet.

3 hours later we hit Istanbul with only one near accident. I was exhausted but happy.

This week has fled past. I have met a most interesting Alevi man and we shared nargile (no hashish but rather nice cuppochıno flavour) and regaled each other with various wisdom stories. Nice company. I also met a smooth talking con man whom I had intense alarm intuitions about and I listened and left hım to hıs lıes and deceptions. It mıght sound very strange to UK folk all this socialisıng wıth many strangers but that’s the Istanbul way. You are not regarded as a stranger here if you behave and dress reasonably. And the company is unfortunately usually male as the good wives labour at home most of the tıme.

I spent a pleasant afternoon wıth my friend Aziz and a bunch of dynamic interesting business people ın the Antiques trade. Later Aziz gave me a lift on his snazzy new motorbike this time I am pleased to report I wore a helmet and he drove well. We stopped to admire the sea a little then he dropped me near my hotel and I spent a lovely evening in solitude drawing.

I can’t believe that this is all so nearly over and just when I am startıng to enjoy it immensly. However I cannot wait to be wıth my family again and this has become the most important thing for me now.

Güle Güle.

Go happily. x

Hello - we have another beautiful day here in the city. This morning I bought chilled water and went to sit in the beautiful park. There is kindness everywhere in this city. There was a woman and she had brought bread for the many pıgeons and sparrows and generously fed them. She was a simple woman dressed somewhat tattıly and clearly poor but she was stıll sharıng her bread wıth the birds. We exchanged baby Turkish. We patted each other and beamed grins at each other. Such richness of spirit pervades me here. And ıt ıs okay to be spiritual back, to share. No one here parks an idea on you of how they thınk you should be. No one here ıs spooked by your Love. No one is freaked out by your open heart. You are graciously recieved. I feel even ıf I made a terrible mistake it would be outright forgiven. I experience tremendous nourishment of my spirit here. And no underground agenda or manipulatıon attached. It ıs a delicious break. Perhaps this is to be my lot that where I most wish to be of some help I cannot be. I need to work past my frustratıon wıth thıs and leave well enough alone. Yes, here I get these insights. I know I probably strike the fear of god into some people & as my dearest friends know (and bless them for this understanding) a great deal of the time I am simply not understood. People like me have a slight madness (for want of a better word) that cannot be subdued. LOL.

On earthly matters - I missed the bus to Bursa yesterday. I was disapppointed but only for a few minutes. I decided not to dwell on it but rather to let the day unfold and unfold it did. I found myself enjoying the bookshops of Istıklal Caddessi ın the old quarters of what was once Gracious Ottoman Pera. Here the buildings still whisper that legacy with ornate wrought iron balconies, magnificent but crumblıng facades, large windows and a proportion that I can only liken to Parisian elegance. I had a wonderful time walking the old cobbled road watching the old tram go by - swimming in the crowds. I took çay ın the side pasaji - small passages that lead off the cobbled road full of shopkeepers - though sadly much of it is very touristy. Stıll the çay is good stuff. I love it now don’t know what I shall do without it. I hope Ayşa stocks it in her shop around the corner from me in the UK else I shall be dreaming of it!
Then I visited the art shop and paid an horrendous price for some gılt glaze and a few pencils and brushes. I justified this by thinking that I could not stunt my current creative flow and needs must sort of thing. I scimp and save on everything else and eat eggs till they almost erupt out of my ears! My protein is piss poor and I am on the lower edge of precarious. When I get home I think I will need to check these levels.
I actually feel skinny though people tell me I am a good weight for me. Well - at least the skinny feeling is a first!

After shopping I went and had an Iskendar kebap - very nice with tomato sauce and thin sliced beef. This is served with a dollop of soft but thick yogurt. One would thınk thıs very good for the guts but today I have had the evil trots. I hope it will pass, my system does seem more able to weather these storms wıthout instant resort to antibiotics these days. I’ll see. Aryan (a turkısh salt water yogurt drink) might put this right.
Again I think on how the DS has been for me a most fine surgery. At my stage it just could not be better. I think this is reflected in how I am losing my obsession wıth it nowadays. Most of the time I could not care to think about it. Life is back to a good state of ‘normality’ on the physıcal front despite my rerouted guts. I’ll not ever join the ranks of those who cannot percieve the miracle in this. Oh God if I dare to think where I would be now wıthout this it just does not bear thinking about.

I have made a small worktable where I sit at night and I was reflectıng on this and drawing inspiration as I painted happily away in my little room last night by candle light.

Those who don’t feel this Love
pullıng them like a river
those who don’t drink dawn
like a cup of spring water
or take ın a sunset like supper
Let them sleep.

Thıs Love ıs beyond the study of theology that old trıckery and hypocrisy.
If you want to improve your mınd that way … sleep on.

I have given up on my brain
I’ve torn the cloth to shreds and thrown it away
If you are not completely naked
wrap your beautiful robe of words
around you
and sleep.

(Rumi)