Dances with DS

I’ve always been totally honest in saying I am so not a domestic goddess. Disorganised is my middle name and cleaning a house is my idea of hell on earth, although I do it in a slightly chaotic manner.  I have a keyring attached to my car keys that my daughter gave me for my birthday some years back it reads: ‘Fuck this domestic goddess bullshit.’  It still makes me laugh I have to say, but lately I have been doing some introspective thinking about some of my issues. Again. 

My dad has a vile cancer with a very low survival rate. It makes me think about death. Yes, I know this is morbid and I do hope he will beat it despite the rotten odds, but it made me think about my death one day. About what is important in my life. About my barriers and challenges in life. About what I need and what I want.  About leaving things behind for my kids to sort out. God help them!!!

I have also realised that deep inside me lies a perfectionist.  But this is not a kind perfectionist - this is a 90% horrid archetype & one I did not even realise I owned. The 10% positive is it’s this voice that moves me to be organised with my protein & vitamin intake - for that I should give a little credit.  But she is also the one who tells me my efforts are pathetic, that I am destined to achieve very little given my disorganised state, etc etc. And I in return say to hell with being a domestic goddess..and I am half hearted about my chores. I do just enough not to swan into total chaos and to keep a reasonably clean house.

To be so henpecked into despondency switches on all my rebellion and my resistance.  In effect - alas I fight with myself. You probably know the old adage: ‘We are our own worst enemies?’

At the same time I fight with having grown up in an impeccable order.  So efficient was my  mum that you could not leave a teacup on the table longer than a few seconds. If I spilled or ruined something I had catatonic fear for the punishment that was sure to follow.

Years later she could see her cleaning was quite OCD.  She relaxed a lot more.  Thing is, I don’t blame her. She was a working mum, sole breadwinner, being organised was her way of coping. She was only trying to deal with her own perfectionist. She was very loving too and in many other ways a marvellous mum. But I do flashback on my years of feeling as I did and see how in odd underground ways those years still have a dayum hold on me.  Silly isn’t it!

So each day I work on decluttering my cupboards in the kitchen. One at a time. Those who don’t live with my internal perfectionist and rebel (combining to turn me into procrastinator deluxe) will find it difficult to understand, but I know there are others like me out there. Maybe it will help to know you are not alone in the sea of domestic unbliss.

Or maybe your procrastination is not around things like an organised house. Maybe you have great difficulty getting on top of your weight loss surgery protein and vitamin requirements. I was thinking today in many ways a similar sort of thinking could apply…do you think so?  Is there a voice in you that is putting you down a lot of the time perhaps? Where does that voice come from, I wonder…do you know?

Just know this - whatever is going on, it is possible for us to move beyond our voices.

All that is required is to want to. Truly it is that simple. (Right now I write this very much to remind myself!)

We must think why?  Why do I want an organised, de-cluttered house?  For me it is because I’m craving simplicity in my life right now. The ability to not have to be carrying in my spirit the excess baggage I have accrued in terms of things.  I might just be fantasising but I feel I waste a lot of time getting frustrated - I often can’t find things I need when I need them. I’m just tired of that kind of time wasting energy sap. I’m hoping life will get simpler if I get simpler in my ways & things.

I’m learning much, slowly as I knuckle down. Out of choc-a-bloc stuffed cupboards I am already having the joy of small peaceful sanctuaries. Can an organized herb shelf give such pleasure?!

I never knew it could until I sorted it out today.Four jars of cinnamon no kidding!!!  Yes it is flipping wonderful stuff for lowering blood sugars (and part of my personal damage limitation plan for when I have had a lapse into a high sugar/carb moment!) but I don’t need four of them! Sheesh, I don’t lapse that much!

I felt the old twinge of guilt chucking 3 of them out, but I can see the perfectionist in me - well, she likes guilt. She knows it will demotivate me and then she can be right! HAH!  I think I have her sussed out. So I am refusing to be guilty. Guilt is out the window! Guilt is a terrible immobiliser. Guilt feeds the rebel and procrastinator in us and makes getting up to do something we need to do really feel like a stonewalled mountain of a task.

It also helped me considerably to read something this week that really hit home:

‘Perfectionism is the highest form of self abuse.’

I know my brand of it certainly is.

I already know it in my heart but I just need to reconnect with it - that it is not about being perfect.

It is not about having a perfect home, or being a perfect DSer or RNYer or Bandster.

It’s about having a home that is a joy to be in. Maybe if compliancy is your difficulty right now you could think about a body that is a joy to be in - if you like?

Now, I am going to go and sort out under my stairs…I’m kind of dreading finding spidery things in there but I’m going to do it anyway!

How about if you are having difficulty complying you make yourself a nice little protein snack right now - or take a few vitamins to start to get back on the road again? Don’t lets think about everything we have or have not done. The past is past. Let’s move on shall we?

Here’s the deal -  you send me positive vibes to get into my dark scary understairs area  & I will send you positive vibes to begin the pathway back to your health!

 Fecal issues seem to never be very far away from my mind alas!  But did you know that good old english ivy appears to reduce airborne fecal particles. Sweet Mary…I have never - not even once considered that just maybe there are floating fecal particles in the air.

It’s enough to make me refuse carbs forever more. It’s alseo nough to set me up for gagging if I ever need to go to a public toilet again.  So I went out into the garden and dug up 2 little English ivy plants roots and all and they are in my bathroom to deal with any wanton particles.  I wonder if they will help with odour too - I can but dream eh!

http://www.webmd.com/allergies/news/20051107/english-ivy-fix-allergies

I’ve been on a drive to try to streamline my too many possessions  of late. I have a collector in me which is driven by my artly heritage (mum has always been very involved on the South African art scene, dad used to be an antique dealer).   I appreciate beauty. But recently my poor little house has got to a stage where it’s just all too much. So I have begun a big decluttering process which is not easy for me. I have along with the nicer side of appreciating beauty also got a fair whack of the old hoarder in me. Skirting just below the appreciation for beauty is also a poverty mentality that has travelled with me since I was a kid and we had almost nothing.  I have this ingrained idea that ‘one day it’ll come in need…’  Add to this mix the fact that I am not the most organised type.

So the decluttering has begun. I started in my kitchen - the idea is I will go through every space in my house over the next few weeks. While some people are brilliant at this sort of thing it fills me with dread. I start procrastinating and I find all sorts to occupy my mind. Nonetheless, despite my own fervent internal resistance, I did it.I started.

I have well organised cupboards/drawers again. It’s a relief. I got together a nice big box of things like odd mugs and kitchen gadgetry and am happy to report these will help raise funds for our local retirement center.

I also do not trust knives anymore - they are clearly up to no good in my drawers. I sorted out the one knife drawer I have and I removed 30 knives from it. I don’t know how they all fitted in there tbh. I will tell you this it was a mess of a drawer and the truly shitty thing is I could never find the knife I actually wanted when I needed it. I learned a wee lesson from this mundane exercise…about how frustrating a drawer full of clutter actually is. Maybe not very deep - but it set me thinking about all the other area’s in my life & home that clog my moments.

Such as the clothing saga. I am a little horrified in how quickly I have built not one - but a good couple of wardrobes for my much slimmer figure. You’ll recall just a while ago I blogged delightedly about my car booty clothing finds. How fast joy can turn into grief I tell you!

Lately I have a degree of panic setting into my wardrobe and my life. It’s almost as if after I lost all my weight I had to try and get back years lost when indeed Evans was my only shopping experience and it never never felt good.

There is massive feel good factor involved in buying whatever one pleases in the clothes department and very quickly this can give way to only feel good factor.  The clothes are no longer fulfilling a need, the lift, the momentry joy is what feels good. It leads to ‘comfort’ buying.

I realise, I have lost my way here - the truth is I don’t need all these clothes. I wear about 50% of what I have - the rest just takes space. Like knives, somehow my clothes multiply quicker than quick. I think if I am 100% honest I do buy clothes as an addiction. Because the darned things fit and I experience a lift every single time I pull on my size tens. But it is enough now…how many size tens does one need to get a lift?!

And the part that is hardest for me is that I have had to ask myself why am I seeking this lift? What is it in my life that is not there for me so that I seek it in clothing so often?

I also had the insight that all these extra clothes, shoes, belts and boots probably weigh collectively more than I did once. Am I collecting baggage the same way my body once accumulated fat?  I don’t know but the thought sobered me.

So I am going to not beat myself too much. It has been a journey to find/remake/rehome my body confidence, but now I no longer need that.

What I need is simplicity, clarity, a return to my own spirit.

Strikes me as I write this about myself that so many of us peoples, need just that. It’s not easy is it?   Or maybe it is?  I will find out soon enough.

It’s going to be the task from hell, I know I will be thinking ‘but I might need that someday…’ I know I will suddenly need to visit my dad, pick herbs and apples, read a book, string a necklace, visit all my neighbours  and have about 20 cups of tea 10 mins apart… anything else but face this pandora’s box. But once I push past all that resistance,  this week I will reduce my wardrobe to (relatively)bare bones in a bid to simplify my space, my choices and really my life. *GULP*

Stumbled across this article while doing some interesting research into prebiotic/probiotic use last night.  I think this article is …wellll… a little off putting  … but also rather incredibly astonishing.

If you have time, read part two of the article as well. Mindblowing stuff.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/13/science/13micro.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

Now I have so many questions.

Could it work for those with severe IBS? Chrohns? Diverticulosis? Cealic Disease? Some Allergies? Could it restore health this way to some WLS patients who have too much inflammation of the gut & bowel and severe diahorrea caused by overgrowth?  Am I jumping the gun again?!

It won’t be this simple - right? Of course not, there may be the risk of parasitic transfer, bad gut bugs etc. And it’s a bit stomach turning to say the least. I know for me if I was suffering, it would be a very last resort desperate measure…but I think I’d risk it over the option of a bowel transplant or death.

But look at it this way - C Diff is one of the hardest infestations to cure…and this took, ONE day. ONE DAY!  Now that is mind boogling.

Not only this but the Gastroman who does these says they are seeing 90% resolve on all their C-diff cases. So one has to sit up & notice this although I suspect many medical pro’s will denounce it without a second thought.  But then - genius is often denounced, is it not?

However, it will take a very big leap in our global mindset, I think, to get past our conditionings that poo is a filthy and somewhat despicable matter riddled only with the propensity for disease.

It is strange to try to think that healthy uncontaminated poop may be the worlds best probiotic.  Makes yogurt look feeble by comparison… ;-)  

More info:

 http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/loom/2010/07/20/the-microbiome-never-ceases-to-amaze/

My mum is through the gates of her hernia surgery & doing well so far!

Such a huge huge relief. I speak to her daily and she sounds good.  She sounds determined to get on with her life and it is lovely to hear her chat about her future plans.

And so my suitcase lies at the foot of my bed, packed but mercifully with nowhere to go this time.

My appetite has also returned somewhat. Enough that tonight I enjoyed an entire deliciously curried lambshank and half a peshwari nan, fresh from our local curry restaurant.

How my idea’s of take outs have changed. Once it was double burgers from Burger King or MaccyD or Kentucky chicken plus a portion of large fries and coke, maybe two cokes…3 times a week at least.  I could still eat those now, fat won’t harm me & there is protein, but somehow I can’t face the stodge of it. Now it is real cooked meat - kebab, curry or  Nando’s chicken. Once a month or so.  No fries. And as for coke if I drink a glass twice a year that’s a lot.

Today I began to work on my pebble necklace - I felt some peace doing it. It is happening and I am struggling but in a good way. It wants to be simple - pure - austere. Zen like.  No fuss - no faff.  Many of my creations are quite ornate, it goes with using bit’s of vintage salvaged jewellery quite often. I keep wanting to put a ‘bit’ of buckle, or silver into it. It refuses to work.

In the end after an hour of trying various possibilities I gave over. No ornate or silver, then. Just rock & stone.  Maybe it will allow a buddha pendant?  I have one that is jade. I’ll see how it flows out at the end. This one is about being quiet and still. Maybe even humble.  It sounds trite but I tell ya - there is much to be learned from pebbles! 

but not for myself!

For my mum who will go into surgery tomorrow sometime, faraway, under our blue Table Mountain in the Cape.  When I am worried - I see that mountain in my mind and somehow I get calmer. My mum on the other hand is holding up well - I called her tonight and she is all sorted and ready. Her attitude is really strong and I’m a bit ashamed that I’m bricking it - although I did a good job of not sounding like I was in any way. I think in some ways I over react because of the awful days when I nearly lost her during her diverticulitis op.

I also had a chat with my dad yesterday - after bravely beating off kidney cancer seems the bastard thing has decided to take hold in his oesophagus. I feel sad about it. I spent the whole time on the phone just saying… ‘awww dad…awwww dad.’  I feel a bit stoopid today - I could have tried to make him laugh a little or something better than ‘awww dad.’ Thing is words go into the thin edge at times like that, nothing sounds enough.

For me it is still quite difficult after all these years of their divorce to have to compartmentalise my parents from each other. They don’t talk, if they did - I dread to think of the fallout. So neither knows what is going on with the other. I know rationally it is best this way, but irrationally I sometimes do feel like I am left to hold what is happening alone.

It is a small thing - I’m not angry about it in any way. I’m just sad…for all that crap too.

Today I went into a depressed funk about it all.  Long time since the black dog bit at my heels.

For the first time in an age I had a protein ‘force-it-down’ day. When I’m stressy it’s like my stomach just goes into ‘NO!’ mode.  We fight a bit. I win. Because I know there can’t be excuses. No matter how hard it gets at times, it’s got to be done. Period. But thank god for protein drinks at times like this!

Tonight  in a bid for sanity I’ve decided the only way to beat that dog back will be to get creative again for a while. That’s my loophole…my personal entry into wonderland when ‘regularland’ is bogging me down in thoughts and fears.

I’ve not made a necklace in quite a long time and the beads are calling me again. As it happens I went to a rock & gem show last Sunday where I bought some wonderful chunky beads. They remind me of river pebbles and are wonderfully smooth and tactile. I also fell for two amazing boulder opals which are full of flash & fire…maybe I will wire wrap them into a ring.

I also want to try my hand at a bit of fabric painting work. I have some boring black skirts that could do with a bright lift. I need colour in my life right now!

I’m back!  It seems an entire month has flashed by in a blink.  I took a sabbatical from the computers to spend a little solid time with my family. My mum came to visit for most of last month and we had a wonderful time together. We visited Hay-on-Wye for a couple of days - what a beautiful little town it is!  It has wonky hidden streets lined with hanging baskets full of brightly cascading flowers and enough charm for the whole the UK.  Best of all it is a creative place - people have created wonderful pieces of art & craft.

My mum was like a child let loose !  I had to laugh but for moments I did despair - she has developed this ability to just drift off down a road in her own world. I nearly lost her several times - my heart beating fast when I would realise she had disappeared. I’d frantically set off to look for her - god knows where, I had to rely on instinct. When I finally found her in some wee alleyway admiring someone’s dog/child/plant, she’d smile broadly and say - ‘ah, there you are!!!’…as if it was I who had done the sudden vanishing act!  Talk about role reversal!

We spent time browsing the many bookstores and superb shops - I had to work very hard to curb my buying impulses, but just before we left I found an old prayer rug in a little antique shop which I bought, needless to say. I’m glad I did as now it sits infront of my fireplace reminding me of happy days.

From there we went to Wales.  I could not have imagined the beauty of the place. The green rolling hills and a sky that changes all the time. And let me never forget the beaches there and the sea. Since I came home all I have wanted to do is walk on a beach again - finding bits of time worn seaglass, watching my dogs have the time of their lives. I love the meditative quality of being on a stretch of beach, the way one can’t help but relax and feel that all is good with one’s world. I long for that peace - already!

It did rain but not all the time. We had a lovely family reunion there with all my children and their partners visiting us over the weekend. We played games and scrabble and laughed loudly and much and ate way too many Welsh cakes. Our stay was fantastic, I hope to go back to Wales sometime again.

During our time together I realised my mum was not well. She had huge difficulty eating anything so I switched to us snacking 2 hourly rather than having full on meals which seemed to daunt her so much. It worked quite well, but when I would tally up her intake it was just not enough most days. God help anyone who can’t eat around me - when in doubt my frontline approach to any problem is protein drinks. My poor mum was no exception - DS or not!

I had a hunch she had a hernia and she promised me she’d make an appointment with her surgeon (she had a major bowel surgery some years ago) for a check up.I just got news that they have indeed found a large hernia and her op will be this Tuesday. She’s full of beans and seems to have no fear at all which is good. But I am afraid. Again - it’s the distance that does it to me - getting to South Africa in an emergency is not fun. She’s adament I should not travel down to see her through her op…but I told her I’ll be on standby. I packed a little bag today just in case and will do some extra housework so that if I need to go it can be quick & not too disruptive.

I saw my GP today who confirmed I have a polyp not a rrhoid.  She will be performing a minor surgery to remove it in 4-6weeks time at which point it will be sent off for a biopsy. She also said it looks benign - so that’s two good opinions on the little devil. It’ll be a relief to have it gone though I can’t say the thought of it’s removal under local anaesthetic pleases me - squeamish coward that I am!

Thought I would pop this in here for my own convenience but it might help others too.

A while back I wrote about all the different protein supps I could lay my hands on…the one that has remained with me as my stock cupboard standard is Dymatize Elite. I usually have one in my bag too. It’s the easiest protein boost out. Little effort for big pay off. Frankly it is to my mind the best one out there, it gets my vote for being top dog.

I do admit a soft spot for it as it was the only source of nourishment my mom in law could tolerate when she was in the advanced stages of cancer. I like to think we bought a few precious days extra with her because of it. Everything else caused her to retch or suffer more discomfort - I think that speaks volumes for this product.

I am ordering more today. While browsing I saw this:

https://www.sshealthfoods.com/pages.php?page=lt.powders&details=1114

I really REALLY like the look of it, this might be a super good supp for people struggling tiredness or with deficiencies, also for post op recovery. I like the added functional lipids and the nice Vitamin profile  - I might try it soon.

I have a couple of days with a weird swollen ankle. Looked like an ellies foot for a while. I could not work out why. Labs were in good nick only a few weeks ago. I took extra protein just as insurance…though it is probably unrelated. My best guess is that I have been appalling with my fluid intake again - so I upped that & this morning I am normal again. Thank heavens.

Note to myself:  I have GOT TO GET ON TOP OF MY WATER intake….permanently.

Is it just me or are clothes sizes a mystery to others as well?

After some years of living out of my once very over bought wardrobe I decided it was time to buy a few nice items again. I went on a big clothes buying spree when I hit size 10 (4 years ago) and I overdid it - my wardrobe seriously overflows to this day. So I decided no more - wear it and be done with the clothes syndrome hangover that began the day I walked into monsoon 6 years ago after I lost most of my weight & almost everything fitted me!

But I was too tempted. Mainly because at the carboot last weekend this lady had a rack full of my type of gear (for a change!). I’m not into high street fashion although it looks lovely on some people.  I like my gear understated because I often wear extreme jewellery - big hunks of silver & stone. And I have a belt fetish borne out of the days when I had no waist to speak of, just a huge sheet of fat all around me. These accessories seldom look good on fiddly cuts and patterns. I still like tunics although I have learned that these need very simple fitted cutting to look good on me. Anything pleated or rouched rapidly swamps & enlarges me. Quite odd as these used to slim me down, or so I thought.  I also sometimes like body hugging tops - again simple ones…wearing them confidently did take me a couple of years as when I was large I only ever wore loose tops to try to hide myself in them.

So there she was with  East, older monsoon (not sure I like the new stuff much tbh, although occasionally they still make a nice thing or two), lots of pre-take over ghost, kew -  all beautiful linens and fabrics, almost new condition - who could resist! I began my justifying process - ‘well, it’s probably time I sort out my wardrobe and e-bay some gear to the other ‘artsy farts’ out there’ - ‘at these prices I’ll never find such a good deal again!’ - ‘if I sell off some of my older clothes it will easily pay for this lot’….  

Plus it’s cheap as chips and all of it size 10. Perfect I thought as I bought a veritable black bag full of the stuff…knowing full well I have no space in my wardrobe at all…nada, not even enough for one extra top let alone a bag full of clothes…   

Back home I tried on the trousers and they are all loose. I can still wear them thank goodness, but an 8 might have fitted me better. What’s going on?  I could have sworn I was a size 10.  

Either sizes have got slightly larger since I last bought things - or I have got smaller and am still suffering from my body darned image dysmorphia thingie. Sheesh, I hate thinking I am over it and then finding that might not be the whole  truth… 

Anyway - I have this week cut out for me as I sift and sort clothing for Africa. To add to it all my daughter has left about 4 black bags of her clothing here which she did not want anymore so I have got to sort that out too. I’m a bit fearful I will find things in her pile I love as well!  I’m going to have to be tough & strong and just get it off to our charity shops as fast as possible! 

I can’t believe that I am 8 years old! This is my ninth year of travelling the DS way.

I pre-warn you - I’m going to allow myself to wax lyrical about my DS in this post! Get the bucket ready!

Why? Because for me this has been an incredible surgery - not only because it transformed my body & my life, but because it is still good to live with.   I can give anyone who wants it the run down about the pro’s and con’s of living with the DS and always will, in the conviction that a good pre-op education is important - but I personally have no regrets - not one.

Pre-op I could not have known that 8 years on I would still be thanking the gods I had this surgery as much as I do. I was pretty daunted by the prospect of a re-routed gut, but life had become an unbearable mission for me. A daily struggle of exhaustion, social withdrawal, self hatred.  Pre op, I worried about all the vitamin taking, the possibility of living with diahorrea, the possibility of malnutrition.

Looking back I spent time nervously pondering vile smelly farts & poop as a part of daily life. This is often the  focus of those who want to scare the pants off us pre-op…along with the ridiculous and mean mythology that Dsers stink. I’ve never been able to quite understand it - except that sometimes it has a malicious tone of something resembling envy about it. The reality is any surgery choice that involves malabsorption will cause stinky stools and foul farts in varying degrees.

Sometimes this factor has been a bit of a worry for me when I have needed to stay over at friends houses for example - but I would still choose it a thousand times over having to diet with a surgery, forceful restriction methods, potential vomiting or the possibility of inconsistent or consistent dumping.

Stinky poop is not nice,but for me it’s been nothing as horrendous as I was once primed for by those who know so little about the DS and speak so much.  As for farting - yup, I had my share of those for around 3 years…nowadays I  have less wind than  I had pre-op…but still it is a case of run for cover at times - lol!

I have had the odd spate of diarrhea in the earlier years - it was always manageable. In my later years the pendulum swung and constipation set in. For me this was unexpected and worse than diarrhea & I yearned for a good old DS stool! I was about to accept it as something terrible I’d just have to resign myself to and live with. However then I thought on my mantra so often said to others  - that it is over to us to manage our gut & bowels …and realised I had better get on with practising what I preach.  I relearned that it’s about management even if it is unexpected constipation and I now have an optimal bowel movement again most days.

The fear of malnutrition - this too,  never came to pass & I hope it never will.  I do what it takes and nowadays despite taking many supps/vits, I hardly think about it. It takes seconds to swallow my pills…I’m on autopilot with them. So much so that sometimes I find myself next to the rack where I keep my supplements wondering why I am there at all and then suddenly remembering it is time for another dose!  This year I had two sets of labs done (one for research purposes) and both have come back looking perfectly good, although only when I get my dexa will I truly know if my bones are doing okay.

I have had a few deficiencies and to date they have always been manageable…we are not looking at guaranteed malnutrition syndrome with the DS, unless of course we don’t comply.

It did take me time to adjust to having my DS and along the way I have sometimes had to tweak things or try to find answers to issues I’ve had, but this is my ‘normal’ now & I’m more than content with it. There are days I think I  sound like a self-contented arrogant git to myself… and that there may come a day my DS induced happiness turns to bite me on the bum…but this is my truth so far. At the risk it might yet change I am still going to write it down!

It might just be old age but I find recently those earlier years of adjustment are almost a haze - I have to sit down and purposefully recall how they were.   The DS  has performed on every level for me better than I hoped it would.  I have had some times where my DS & Life converged that were difficult. I have had times my DS got a life of it’s own suddenly and refused to live by my rules where I had to think creatively and act strongly to pull it back in line  .   I also had a bowel obstruction in 2006 - it was not an easy time.

I still worry about possibilities that may or may not come to pass. Are the labs and the actual absorption the same thing?  Do we understand that fat malabsorbed vitamins don’t just mean ADEK - there are others and perhaps some not even yet discovered? What will the longerterm impact be of part of an intestine reserved only for bile flow?  In years to come will we find the DS only bought us more time to the stage of revision so many RNYers find themselves at in recent years? I have no answers  so I accept I am an experiment still in process.

However this is Life - it is a complex phenomena DS or not. Every answer can become the next set of questions.    Life deals out challenges, I know of no one who has lived a life free of challenges. I always think had I not got the obstruction, for example - it might well have been something else!   I’m dead sure I am going to get plenty of challenges in the years to come and some are going to be very difficult to live through. Right now I am dealing (somewhat badly) with the polypy thing that may or may not be related to my surgery.   There are good and bad days. How we choose to deal with them is the thing. I deal with them well sometimes and other times I throw my toys out the cot, or bury my head in true ostrich.

Interwoven with a DS or for that matter, any surgery, there can be very difficult days that consist of effort - of pushing forwards, of trying to get one’s head around a presenting issue. No one told me it was going to be easy and those days that are hard I try to remember this. I also find it helpful to separate out my issues. Sometimes when I have had a bad day or am going through difficult times I blame it on my DS.  Then, when I am able to be more rational I find more often than not, it is not my DS that is the actual problem, it is my attitude or sometimes a shadow side of my personality that is the real issue which somehow became enmeshed in the DS side of my life. The process of deciphering, of untangling is a tough one, it can be painful stripping away ones own delusions - I’d not say otherwise.

There are no guarantees with any WLS. I have yet to find one that leaves every patient it touches in paradise and this includes the DS.  Still,  those researching should  hedge their bets very very carefully. Especially I urge those researching to think longerterm…look at risks of side effects and percentages of revision - one major surgery upfront is better imo than the cost, time, emotional upheaval of revisions that may or may not work at the end of the day.

Post op, a great part of making one’s peace with something like a WLS is in the management of it.  The DS is actually manageable in many ways…it’s not always an easy task but it’s not rocket science either. It means thinking outside the box sometimes, compliancy through good and bad times,  getting professional help, commitment to push through until one finds a solution.  It takes acceptance that management is effort and it’s an effort one might make for a very long time.

I also remember that had it not been for my DS - I might not be even dealing with any detangling issues in life at all.  I think a gratitude- chip was inserted at my surgery…I’ll be bending over tying my shoelace, squeezing into a small space, sitting in a small armchair with loads of space all around me,  hopping out the bath with ease, holding a child on this… MY LAP! , crossing my legs, eating a delicious meal, running after my mischief dog, spending a day on the walk without needing to rest even once, just feeling how my body is aligned how my legs no longer rub raw together, how my arms hang straight instead of being forced sideways…countless things - so many I cannot list them all… when I catch myself thinking thank heavens for this surgery!

I’m still so grateful that I chose the DS to be my surgery.   I remember when I was researching it I found a diagram of it.  I thought to myself - ‘this surgery is science - but it is also art’. The science is still working for me. We don’t fully understand it yet, we still have much to learn about it but it works for the greater majority of DSers I know. The art of the DS  is my freedom. My freedom to run, to be in a crowd with no one staring at me,  the way it balances out my need to eat and yet not to overeat…it gave me back a functioning body and a healthy attitude to food.

8 Years on & I am still on a fascinating learning curve about the DS.  Some theories about it  have changed over the years. More and more the metabolic function of it is being explored beyond just saying ‘it is malabsorptive’. I hope the full extent of it’s metabolic impact will be studied in depth because I believe it is still concealing many  secrets. WLS patients often say pity the surgery could not fix my head.   Imo, the DS DID do something to my head - I’d love to know what exactly.   Once we understand more of exactly how & why it works we might finally create that ‘magic obesity pill’.  

Because of this surgery,  I have energy, my life is worth living for,  my food is tasty stuff, I  have satiation,I’m not stared at or lectured on the benefits of diet and exercise,  I have had 100% EWL. Over 10 stone gone for 8 years. I’m trying to keep my benefits concise here - lol.   In exchange I eat a mound of protein, fats & veggies (the nice part!) pass stinky poop once or twice a day,  take many supplements  and freak out if I get a twinge of pain abdominally thinking my days are done true drama queen style… 

I plan to celebrate my good fortune for a long time yet,  but if it all went pearshaped tomorrow, I would still say I have had a GREAT run in with my DS. 

Even though I’ve never met them I want to thank Professor Scopinaro & Daddy Hess    for creating this surgery in many ways.  I think the men who evolved the BPD/DS had pure genius…as do the many surgeons who have taken the time to add it to their skill sets since then.  It must have been hard at times in the face of the nay-sayers to still forge ahead with what imo still remains today a cutting edge state of the art surgery.

A  big thank you to my surgeon, Prof Weiner in Germany who did my DS and so many other surgeries besides (5 others in all plus my DS!!!)  without any thought other than for my quality of life.  Another very big thank you to Mr Patel here in the UK, who saved my life when my bowel twisted and  and who along with his team continues to monitor me and give me superb aftercare.  Going the longerterm confidently  is made possible for me by your dedication to WLS and I can’t put in words what that means to me.

Last but not least - thank you my dearest family and friends who have stood by me through difficult & easy times.  Especially big thanks to my Pete who has loved me through fat & thin, and who has been my shelter when it has rough, my voice and anchor when it has been touch & go  & the biggest  light in my life always.x

It’s spring and this morning in the garden I found several large slugs crawling about.  Shortly after that I moved a rock in my garden and a frog came darting out from beneath it. Both send chills up my spine because I know they may carry A. Vasorum or lungworm.  It’s a dog killer of the worst kind and this is how we lost Petal, my beautiful bullie pup. http://mssint.com/petal/

I try to eradicate slugs in the garden. I don’t use slug pellets  as these cause many dog deaths (even if they claim to be pet safe).  I use a liquid slug killer that I pour around area’s and plants that slugs are attracted to. But it’s a losing battle. Each year they are back again.

I can’t kill frogs…I just can’t.  I catch them and relocate them to our local canal.  But again - each year they arrive again.

I have HUGE anxieties about losing another dog to this. I deworm my dogs religiously.  However, recently when Ruby possibly picked up a mycotoxin I thought it might still be Vasorum. So fearful am I.  I asked my vet if it could possibly be?  He said could not guarentee it was not.

I have thought on that because it truly floored me. Why can it not be guarenteed?  I deworm - to the point that I often wonder what longerterm repercussions might be despite assurances I have had that there won’t be any.  I clean my garden of dog poop, I discourage foxes in my garden, I try to safely eradicate slugs (but fail), I relocate frogs…what can I do to protect my dogs further?  Even a blade of grass with snail slime on it may infect them. It is impossible to watch them all the time. I feel so powerless.

I ran a google search to see if it is possible for animals to build resistence to the dewormers I use. I was very  unhappy to discover that it seems this might be possible.  No one has ever told me this.  I am not sure what I have read is true - this is internet stuff - but I want to know this from my vet…is it possible?  I admit I am panicking, because if this is true, where do I go to find something to protect my dogs - short of leaving Surrey altogether and relocating to an area that still seems Vasorum free (and is not a rational solution as the bugger is spreading throughout the UK anyway) - but what to do?

All these thoughts because I’m still not 100% happy with the mycotoxin theory - although it does seem highly likely. I noticed today Ruby has some small bruising around her mouth & bruising might just be Vasorum related. Yes, I know I am overly vigilant and yes, I am neurotic, but I always say it’s the natural outcome of holding a dying dog  in your arms watching as the vasorum does horrendous, almost unspeakable things moment by horrible moment to it’s beautiful body. I have a pit of grief in me that can never go away about my pup’s loss.

That said, Ruby-girl is a rough player so it might just be she just banged her mouth, but I can’t take any chances.  I learned through losing Petal that it is vital not to discount the smallest things with lungworm. The slightest cough, the slightest bruising, the slightest changes might mean it is active in a dogs system. It can be so so subtle one could convince oneself it’s just this or that and it will go away. Problem is with Vasorum, things don’t always blow up into clearly visible signs - until it is too late.   I’m taking Ruwbs  to the vet to get this latest thing checked out and to ask my questions…until I have explanations I can hopefully work with.

I am also going to think on using Milbemax this time to deworm her. It’s one I have not used before so if there is a resistance in her - hopefully this will take care of it.

All these thoughts have made me realise if I thought staying on top of this worm just meant regular deworming - I might just be very  mistaken.

I keep tabs on what vasorum is doing around the UK in as much as I can. I see it is still being described as rare. Please tell me - what is with this RARE thing????  Is this the way we describe anything we don’t really understand or summat?  Or perhaps it is that no one wants to scare anyone, kind of like trying to provide a sheltered environment to shield them from the ghastly ever encroaching truth?  Or is it that it is so unpleasant that if we just call it rare instead it might go away?  I honestly get perplexed and frustrated  by this ‘rare’ thing over here in the UK.

It’s not about ’scaring’ anyone it’s about enlightening them, warning them to watch their dogs the best they can,to encourage them to notice anything that might be symptomatic & to deworm (it’s all we have got to fight this thing).

This ‘rare’ nonsense might also mean that research about it is regarded as low priority, which is not a good thing at all. Frankly I don’t buy ‘rare’  for a nano-second.  It may not be all pervasive, it may not be in certain areas (yet) - but it is dangerous. It is life threatening to the dogs we love, and in the UK we need to get real about it now.

We need more research and exposure.  We need to know if the drugs we give our dogs each month are going to help them, how fast they may become resistant to them,  where it is spreading, where it is currently, how many dogs have recently died in an area that has it. We need to know if there is anyway to safely stop it spreading aside from what we already know and to develop much better diagnostics that are affordable for all dog owners. Stool testing is not reliable enough. I’ll still try to do it, but at the end of the day anything not 100% accurate does not fill me with confidence. And it’s very  difficult to do if like Ruby, one’s dog conceals her poop time and her poop area. Lung x-rays are unaffordable for many and it would certainly stretch us heavily this month.

We need to inject money into Angiostrongylus Research like there is no tomorrow -  I know of a  unit in the UK doing amazing work but they need funds desperately.  Right now we have stool testing and 3 drug possibilities and that’s it.  For a nation of dog lovers,  it’s actually appalling.

I think I am going to look at what I can do to raise money to help the research unit.  Please if you have lost your dog to A Vasorum, or if you are willing to  donate anything for research purposes,  I’d be very grateful to hear from you.

Please write to me: jane@weightloss-surgery.com

Here is a website with some basic info about A Vasorum:

http://www.lungworm.co.uk/scripts/pages/en/home.php