Dances with DS

In February I first heard about reactive hypoglycemia in RNY patients. I blogged  about it and I wrote this:

Reading back on the whole hypoglyceamia thing I have had in my head and my blog …I shake my head at myself.  Will DSers will have this to the same degree?  It’s unlikely to be as widescale and intense as the RNYers experiences.  However they might, I don’t think at this point anyone can say we will be exempt from this risk. I do hear of the odd DSer describing a mysterious ‘dumping syndrome’ though mostly early post op…so perhaps this is in fact hypoglycemia ,  time will tell. So why don’t I just leave it and deal with it if it does become a major player all round. Because I do care. About the lot of us. DS & RNY. So I will give it my effort. And anyone who gets it, my support.

Well, my question has been answered. Yes we can get reactive hypoglycemia. (See the link to Bobblehead’s blog below.)  I hope if any WLS bypass patient has symptoms of passing out, headaches, dizzyness, confusion,  rapid heart rate, the shakes, sweating, excessive hunger, bad nightmares or headaches - they will seek help sooner rather than later.

Now - this is not about scaring people witless,  the estimated percentage of people that may have these symptoms is not large & I suppose weighed up against the diabetes risk so many of us face it’s a much lower risk, as Bobblehead points out.  That said if it happens to oneself it may feel extremely shite like most complications do. My bowel obstruction was a supposedly low risk, but it hurt and it was scary! It changed me in many ways because it was so traumatic. (In retrospect, these changes were not all negative except for a weird anxiety factor that I still get from time to time if my DS so much as fibrillates!)  There is every chance that reactive hypoglycemia can be managed.  So watch for symptoms and if you have them, tell your surgeon.

The thing is I don’t believe we should not know about any risk from having surgery and I don’t care if it’s a 1% risk or not. If it happens to me - it’s a 100% risk and I must live with it or through it, as the case might be.  We should still know. I believe in us knowing the good and the bad. Upfront.  Have done since I first wrote my website & it still holds. This is how we empower ourselves not only to choose a WLS but also in the ability to self diagnose a problem fast, if the need should ever arise. I am here today, because I knew - in the midst of medical doctors telling me I had colic and in the midst of ‘normal’ x-rays and blood labs,  that my bowel was dying. Why?  Because long before it happened I had researched the symptoms and the data about it. Knowledge is empowerment. I wrote that in 2002 on my websites front page. If I ever rewrite it I will add ….and it may help save your life.

I highly recommend reading Bobblehead’s thought provoking and honest blog  about finding out that he has Reactive Hypoglycemia. He is a Dser as old as myself  in DS years. Don’t forget to browse his links!

http://atomiccity.blogspot.com/2008/07/did-my-gastric-bypass-surgery-cause-my.html

Life on Colman corner continues to be a vast throwing of cement currently!  The bird bath is progressing and so is my back ache!  It’s taking an age & I find myself thinking - ‘me and my darned bright ideas!’  But on the other hand there is something satisfying about really working the old muscles. There is something wonderful about getting all mucked up and close to the earth as I sit trowel in hand shaping what was once only in my mind into reality. It’s not unlike being a sculptor and even if it is hardly a work of art, it originates out of the same place, imagination. I have missed imagining lately. In my usual life of family, appointments, e-mails, phone calls,  Zenni washing and the myriad small things, I had forgotton the sweetness of closing my eyes and seeing pictures in my mind. I believe this is vital for my sanity really.

I once had a young child who was branded a ‘daydreamer’ as if that was some mortal sin, by her teacher. She tried to shake my child out of this saying she would fail her, implying not so subtly that she was ’substandard’. She missed my childs incredible creativity - the fact that at 6 she was drawing like a child at least twice her age. She systematically (if unintentionally) demolished my 6 year old and I spent hours trying to undo her daily damage.  I was like a spanish bull with a red rag. I had my daughter tested and she scored high on every test except maths which imo was genetic!   I found a psychologist who specialised in the development of gifted kids, she worked with my daughter a lot. I chatted  to her about my theory that for some children, particularly highly creative children,  daydreaming is vital. Without it creativity cannot exist. I wrote a paper for a Uni Magazine about gifted children about creativity and the benefit/mechanics of daydreaming, which was published and the teacher was forced to reconsider her assessments as a result. I hope not just of my daughter, but of every child that did not fit into her excrutiatingly narrow box.

We pushed through that year and nowadays my daughter is holding down a great job doing animations etc - she is still drawing although mostly on the computer and it gladdens my heart that her spark was not killed off before it had a chance to flourish and provide her with a career she loves.

But now I meander too much down memory lane.

Small scale I still exercise my imagination on and off. Stringing necklaces or looking at an old delapidated piece of furniture and seeing in my minds eye what it would  look like if I did xyz to it restoration wise are my moments of true happiness. I’m realising though those are surface scraping examples - actually imagination is powerful. It shapes and drives idea’s into reality. It created my life as it is now in many ways. I live in England because I imagined I would. I had my DS surgery because I imagined that before I turned 40 I would resolve my morbid obesity!  Soooo,  I’m thinking I should experiment with it more. I should imagine where I will be in the future too. I should dream more things into reality - batty old burd that I am!

I’m holding up okay with the eating.  My neighbour gave me a pressure cooker and I’m in lurve again with cooking.  It’s a magic thing - I can’t believe how fast it takes to cook up a delicious meal. I made a tomato lamb goulash tonight for my family - lot’s of meat, herbs and veggies and it was soft, tasty and tender in 15 minutes flat. How on earth did I live without one before!  I want another one so I can cook meat & veggies seperately if I wish. It’s healthier than microwave cooking and as fast.

Zenni is going to be a happy little dog on the food-front too!  I have researched commercial dogfoods and boiled my choice for him down to two that I plan to alternate so he gets a nice array of minerals, herbs and vitamins. Eagle Pack is one type & Oregin is the other.  Check them out with google - they make sense on the doggie nutrition front.  His dinner will be part homecooked (occasionally raw organ meats as cooking these destroys vital nutrients such as taurine that Zenni especially needs because of his heart murmur ) plus Eagle Pack so that I can continue to ensure he is getting a top diet tailored to his needs. He is doing so well - hair still growing and full of energy. It’s a joy to see him so improved. Now I must finally shift him off the regular commercial food he is getting, as on analysing it - it is actually crap .  I have seen too much with him how very much diet does affect a dog…I mean, what was I thinking!!!    Of course it does!  I don’t know why I took an age to make such a simple connection especially since I know what good nutrition can do for WLS patients.  Tbh, I think I have been afraid to take the leap into dog nutrition in the past. There is just so much conflicting info out there  and it can be daunting. I’m still treading water trying to learn about it. There are the raw food diet devotee’s, the cooked food devotees and the many vets who say feed your dog tins and biscuits as neither raw nor cooked will give your dog the right diet. Sigh.  I have read too much now & am trying to digest some of it myself!  I’m still staying with my course of action though.  I’m walking the middle road with Zen…not all or nothing - but a little of carefully thought out everything. I never did believe in extremes. Sometimes I really see how  much easier it would be  to just buy a regular dogfood and buy the ‘well balanced’  BS into the deal.  But I get these whispers in my consciousness…if it is so balanced then how come Zen’s fur was falling out?  How come I was cleaning gunk from his eyes on a daily basis?  How come the addition of some ‘real’ food and supplements from mother nature have turned his health around in only a few weeks?

I cancelled his biopsy with the vet. His health is returning, it’s plain to see. ( And he is an eleven year old boy too, not a young ‘un!) If it is adenitis - we have turned it around. Do I need to know if it is? No not really, it’s just a ‘label’ and I’d want to know if there was no improvement, of course. Or if I was researching how to help dogs with the condition because it was part of my career in animal health etc.  But neither of these things matters much to me right now. Not saying the first won’t in the future, but for now, my boy is healing beautifully. Whatever was plaguing him is doing so no longer.

Into the deal I have saved myself £200.00 for the vets biopsy fee. I have saved Zen a possible anesthetic and a painful jab. I’d rather spend that money on some optimal food for him over the year. And maybe I will get myself a lovely back massage into the deal!

But enough erratic thinking now!  I’m knackered from the concrete shift today. I’m off to bed with a hot choc milk drink for protein and to try to read a chapter of my book which has not progressed,  from when I last blogged about it!

I wasn’t going to write about dogs again. I really wasn’t. Even though my dogs give my life a sense of tremendous meaning I figured after  probably boring half the WLS population that read my blog, it wasn’t fair nor particularly educational for people trying to get a further shaft of understanding about the DS pre-op, and maybe others are not as dog/animal fixated as I am.

But then - my inbox has recently been filled up with people asking me about Zenni and telling me about their animal friends. I love reading all about them.    It got me thinking.  I think that people like me who are have to, or had to deal with morbid obesity have a special connection to furry  creatures that just love one regardless of ones discomfort, lack of mobility, looks.  I know I used to cry into Zenni’s fur sometimes when people knackered me with comments that hurt and the little guy used to lick my hand or just be there. So comforting and so non judgemental. Animal love is the most non judgemental thing on this planet imo.

If you don’t have a dog - go buy one or adopt one. You won’t regret it. Plus you will walk a LOT! Good for the weight loss too.

Anyway - if you want to skip all my doggie natter - keep scrolling down & you’ll see much more about the DS and diet on the lower end of this blog.

I figured that in this blog I write about not just my DS but also what gives my life meaning (with the exception of my family except perhaps in brief mentions because as they live with my DS enough as it is, I try to kind of protect them from this side of my world.)

So for those of you who wanted to know - unfortunately Zenni ’s health deteriorated a couple of weeks ago. On my return from SA he was wormfree & his heart much improved as a direct result which was fantastic. However,  he’s always had a bad skin which I have had some success with from time to time, but more often it wasn’t great.  Poor little guy has had a bald tail longer than I can remember. But this time it was severe. His back hair was thinnning so much you could see the skin under it and his skin was a crusty flakey kind of thing resembling extreme dandruff. It did not seem to itch.  I researched and found that poodles sometimes suffer from a genetic skin disease called sebacious adenitis. So do Akitas and some other breeds. Basically the hair follicles die from lack of oil production. Some dogs do get regrowth but it seems most live with sparse hair or go permanently bald in areas.

Our vet thought it might be an adrenal prob. But the symptoms just did not seem to fit so I bounced the adenitis research I had done off him. Later in the week he called to say he tended to agree after his research that adenitis was a better fit. We agreed to rule this out first and then if this was not the case we’d look into the adrenals again. This is the kind of vet I wish we could all have - he is never offended by my suggestions nor my research - he is open to things and each time this happens I feel more respect for him. In turn I am open to his knowledge and experience to guide me in caring for Zen.  This is the mark imo of any good medical person - WLS surgeons included. They don’t give one the long rolled eye - oh my lawd you are ahead of yourself and stop wasting my time kind of thing. If you are barking mad with your theory or internet info, they will tell you - but if you have something that might be worth thinking about they’ll happily help you sort the wheat from the chaff.

Anyway. I came home little flaking balding Zenni in arms. I thought I had to do something for him while we planned a biopsy. That was around 2 weeks back. I am darned glad for my DS sometimes because it has pushed me hard to learn about supplements and vitamins.  I thought about it - how could I apply it to dog world?   Humans are one thing & I am my own experiment and I can talk - but Zenni is  different, some human stuff is toxic for dogs and I was not sure. So more nights/days of research ensued.

I won’t go into the details of his longggg treatment, But if you want to know what I am giving him to help your dogs skin condition - drop me an e-mail, I’ll willingly share, even though my lads think I should market the formulas for balding men and dandruff sufferers -lol!  Briefly ,he is on several internal dog supplements plus cooked nettle/dandelion leaves, home sprouted alfalfa seeds (watch these they can bloat dogs if too much is given and no seeds) and a combo diet of rotated meats for maximum nutrition. Plus dog suitable vege and a little barley or rice. As I am not a person who believes in extremes. He gets a part commercial diet too, but it is the lesser component.  Zenni has gone largely DS in his eating.    DS  eating is healthy for both dogs and humans!   On top of this I oil bathe him weekly with a combo of herbal oils and think this has made the skin difference. This is a crazy mess and the oil gets on everything. :-?  There is much combing going on.  He is then shampooed with an all natural herbal shampoo (neem based) 3/4 times to remove the excess oil. After this he gets an apple cider hair rinse to help correct his skin ph. Mission!!!  It takes me the better half of a day to do this.

The amazing thing is within 2 weeks Zenni is GROWING HAIR!!!  Not just this but it is THICK and it is full of colour - a beautiful dark red on his back.  It’s about 1cm long right now and I wonder if it will curl normally, time will tell.  It looks weird as he is a pale washed out apricot/cream colour. When he was a pup he was red, but this faded and by 2 years or so he was classed as ‘apricot’.  I think he will look extremely rare with his red back & cream head and legs - just like the Foo dog he really is!

His tail that I thought would never recover is covered with hair once more. We keep telling him what a clever lad he is -lol!  And I  cannot believe it - I have to look at this several times a day just to see that it is real!! LOL. The only area that is bald is the back of his legs, and I’m not sure this will regrow as it looks seriously as though the skin has closed down there. There is still some flaking on his flanks but that is resolvable I am sure.  Anyway, adenitis or not I think it is pretty amazing to get this resolve so fast.    Will see what his vet says on Monday when he sees him, I think he will be as chuffed as we are.

All this makes me ponder the degree of illness we see in our animals after years of being hard sold this ‘balanced diet’ dog crappola. I’m no saint here - sad to say in the past my animals had chunks & tins as mainstay diets because I knew no better at the time. Vets recommend this stuff.  I won’t say in retrospect they shone with health & I would say Zenni’s troubles may be related to most of his life being fed like this.Even though adenitis is genetic - (if that’s what it is) giving him junk food has not helped his case.  On the other hand,  I’m not extreme - as I said I use commercial food after I have checked out the ingredients to ensure it is not corn laden & animal part rubbish, but I get mad because it’s sold as the only stuff animals should get and that is just WRONG. Every other cat or dog I know of seems to have health problems. Aside from his skin Zen has a serious heart murmur and I don’t know if at 11 he can make a strong turn about, time is probably limited, but his skin looks great.) Imagine if one could help his heart too.

It’s quite sad really. Not only have humans forgotten how to eat appropriately, but we have forgotten how to feed our animals too. Chunks & tins are the human ready made processed food equivalent. Some dogs & cats will do fine on it. Some people do okay on constant fast food. Doesn’t mean it is good though.

What my DS has taught me is that if one wants health the key is variety. Variety - because the body is inherently unbalanced because it is in a state of flux. One month it needs more iron - the next it needs more zinc. It is not static.  While good baseline supplements are absolutely  essential, it’s just the safety net,  not the full solution to good health by any means. I can’t recount the times a WLS patient says ‘I take all my vits but my skin is in bad nick’.  Or ‘I take all my vits but I feel SO tired all the time’. Or - ‘I am taking loads of iron but my bloods are not improving’, etc.   Good health requires a variety of meat, pulses & veggies (and a little fruit if it is tolerated) in abundance daily.

It’s really a bit of a misnomer that all we DSers need is protein…while this is true and absolutely fine in year 1 and 2, by year 3 I’d like to see DSers moving to HIGH PROTIEN plus HIGH FIBER. If this shift correlates with the ‘regain-stabilisation phase’ of the DS it may well prevent the regain aspect. I challenge any DSer struggling to give it a solid go - keep the protein at 80-100 grams a day (or as your body requires) then additionally,  aim for an intake of ten servings of veggies & pulses a day.  Yup - you heard me right, 10!   It is a challenge but it is meant to be a challenge! It’s not a goal…not all of us have the capacity for this, but the point is to maximise this aspect of the diet.  And if you have any space left for eating junky carbs and other negligable foods I’ll eat my hat!

This little tactic helped me enormously in stabilising my weight & I am beginning to think it is key to the reason I am the weight I am in my 7th year.

Now - you got to be wise. Eating 10 portions of starchy veg like potatoes is not going to help -lol!  You got to look at your needs here. If you are ‘normal weight’ or underweight’  or happy to stabilise where you are a daily portion of the old potatoes is not going to hurt you. Infact with skin on  you get plenty of fibre and they have great Vit C.   But if your body is carb sensitive  or you need to lose weight, swap the potatoes for other starchy but more fibrous type veggies - pumpkin, butternut, sweet potato, spring to mind and limit to one serving a day. For the rest focus on other vege types & include more of the green stuff.

Take time out to consider yourself holistically. Think about your bowel motions and what vege would help you most there. For constipation move towards more watery types perhaps include more fruit too: watermelon, strawberries, marrow, lettuce leaves, sprouts, spinach etc. For the trots, more compact veg, like pumpkin & squash. Avoid legumes if wind is a trouble for you. Much of this is common sense really. Eat for your deficiencies too. If it’s Vit A increase orange fruits and veggies considerably for a while - they may help absorption of the Vit A supplement you are taking too. Depressed? Potato can help or eat sweet potato, bananas are good too. No energy - up the nuts, include a banana.  Rank smelling poo?  Well, it will always be rank-ish but you can take off the edge by increasing alfalfa, parsley and green chlorophyl laden veg & herbs plus eating inulin rich vege and fruit: leeks, onions banana’s are among them.  And so on.

I don’t always hit 10 vege -pulse helpings a day.  It’s not easy to eat this much, but I always have it in mind. It’s the aim but not the goal so I don’t freak if I can’t do it everyday. In year 3 my intake was around 4-6 servings on a good day - so again - this is longerterm stuff to aim for. Don’t worry about the numbers - just add in a veg or two per meal to kick off with.

When I do hit the magic figures  I’d say roughly I eat 1 serving of fruit,  3 servings of green veg: spinach, cabbage, broccolli, marrow, salads etc, 2 servings of red, orange vege: peppers, tomato’s, carrots,  1 serving white or non classifiable veg: onions, mushrooms, cauliflower etc,  2 servings of nuts, pulses or beans, 1 serving of starchier veg - potato’s, squash, pumpkin etc.  It’s not a formula - it’s just a guide. Currently I have increased potato and chick pea intake to help me gain a little if pos - it must work for your unique needs.

It will:

• accelerate weight loss
• maintain weight loss
• help bowel motility
• often help resolve diahorrea
• sometimes resolve constipation (if in conjunction with lots of fluids)
• keep the bowels in good healthy nick
• encourage good gut flora
• add a variety of minerals & vits to your diet
• add delicious taste to your food - think of it positively if you grew up hating vege. Think tomato, onion, pepper mushroom & aubergine stew. Buttered beans with a pinch of nutmeg. Think buttered sweet potato’s or slow roasted butternut squash or cauli/broccolli cheese.  Avocado pear.  A waldorf salad: grated apple, grated raw cabbage, walnuts with creamy dressing. Pineapple & carrot salad. Baby salad leaves with sunflower seeds and pomegranate. Beetroot salad.  Add homemade sprouts or watercress.  Make it yummy - nothing is as unappetising as a plate of mixed frozen vege - though if that’s as far as you can take it - that’s still way better than slices of bread as filler!

It’s got to be good right??? 

I do eat a lot of veg. But remember I am not saintly okay. I have fallen off my own wagon countless times and bitten too many biscuits. Literally.  This happens - it is part of understanding one’s boundaries with a WLS too.  It can be stress related etc. But there always comes the crunch time. You will know if you are having such a time because inside you will feel kind of sinking  hopelessness and your mood won’t be great.  You may find yourself thinking in terms of being a failure etc.  You are not, but I don’t need to tell you that. It’s just a case sometimes of releasing that stuff and then trying something new. So give this a try. A real try. I’ll help you if I can. I’ll blog a veggie/salad based recipe to try out each time I blog over the next few weeks.  Just for you. You might find you begin to LOVE your veg.  Stranger things have happened! 

I have more news about the dogstuff but it’s a tale by itself - will blog about it soon so watch this space!

I am off to join the Surrey WLS support group today for catchup & natter. Also want to complete phase one of the bird bath building episode…we have BLUE sky here today!  Well…okay some clouds too but I am hoping!  Pete is back home after  a week away so want to spend some quality time with him too.  Have a FAB weekend my friends.

August is the month I stand on Mr P’s scale again. It’s looming.   I am hoping to be 1 kilo up!  Just 1 to start with.

Saying I want to gain weight is still a VERY bizarre thing for me.  My head fights it - my old fears of finding myself on the road to despair flicker up.  My old archetypes start their chattering nonsense.  I feel fine, I feel healthy, I am okay with being 54 kilo’s…just not sure Mr P is okay with me being that. And he is such a caring lovely person if my kilo gain makes him a tad happier - okay I ‘ll try. Which makes me think maybe I should just try to convince him that 54 kilo’s is okay for me and that’s what count’s isn’t it?  Feck, maybe not. Here come the marauding doubts again.  I remember how earlier this week a person I kind of know looked at me and said ‘my god, you have lost more weight (imagine shock-suprise on her face) - time for you to gain some then!  And this the day after I was feeling bodily GOOD!  Aaaargh - wee hair pulling out moment.  As you can see by this paragraph,  I am my own incredible head drama. I just say ’stop iTTT!’  There’s pretty much nowt else I can do.

I’m not complaining. There are times it is a pain to eat & eat but still - I am not going to moan. This is a conscious choice I am making. It might come back to bite me on the butt, many of my choices do alas. But I’m just thinking 1 little kilo and after that I will see if I want to go on with this slightly insane plan.  So for now I’ve got to  keep it positive because it helps me eat if I can stay relaxed about it.

This is not my ordinary DS eating kinda day. It’s my new approach of packing it in 2 days out of the week. It’s the stuff of compromise because I have tried and failed in my other attempts to see more than transient  little regains.  I can’t seem to fly myself out of the loop.  I wish I could just eat crap but again I can’t - my taste buds rebel screamingly and I’m glad for that because I know it’s my DS doing the talking there. It doesn’t like crappola.  Crappola does’nt give it that warm fuzzy feeling anymore - protein & fresh things do. Also, I know I am inconsistant and I can’t do the snacking volume required everyday. I just can’t - I forget or get distracted and this kind of eating is serious stuff. It’s pointless me getting all anal & trying to control what I just don’t have in me so I figured the trick might be to face up to this - stop trying to work against my nature and rather work with it. Maybe it will work, let’s see.

Five days of my week  are way more in the normal league regarding eating & truth be told I much prefer it that way too. If you are pre op please don’t go getting idea’s! ;-)  Even if this looks like a free for all I can honestly tell you that while the DS will give you more license than any other wls on earth right now, it is not about mindless eating.  You can eat - but make it mindful and  conscious. That applies to any other surgery too. Think about what you are putting in yer mouth and WHY?  If it’s because you want comfort, fine - but just be aware of that & be honest about if it did actually comfort you. If it is for the hell of it - fine. Just don’t make it a habit okay!  If it is because you need to lose faster or gain faster - fine.  You see - it’s not always thaaaat difficult.    Even my junk food is a conscious choice -good lawd what has happened to me!!! But truly, think on that - if you do you’ll most likely be okay in the longerterm. And healthy too.

Today I ate:

Breakfast:

A big bowl - that’s about a mug and a half of rice crispies with chopped nuts & fortified milk for protein.

Then I had the accumulated snacking bit for the morning:

A banana,  a 2-bar kit kat,  3 crackers with marmite &  grated cheese, a big handful of peanuts and raisons

A build-up shake

For Lunch:

I had lamb meatballs x 3, sliced tomato, lettuce, cucumber , a slice of white bread (oh gods this is sooo cardboardy doughy salty eeeuuuch!)

Then the rain stopped and I rushed outside to plant 8 French Lavender plants and dig over the flower bed & compost it, double quick in the pause between thunder clouds rapidly gathering. I shifted that spade like never before till my arms ached.  I swear I burned off all my eating for the morning like a daft cow!  I should make these days couch potato ones too. *sigh*

Came inside and ate a smallish slice of carrot cake with tea. A little later followed by another succession of snacking:

a handful of prawns just out the punnet, a hardboiled egg and slice of ham, an apple  and another 2 bar orange kit kat which tastes rather sweetly yuck (usually I like kit kat’s!) and then I force down 2 choc chip biscuits, yup FORCE…sheesh, I used to eat a packet of those no probs…

It’s quite crazy - I work a little on some antique restoration then get up, remove gunge from my hands with meths, wash hands and scoff down the snack so I can get back to work. Later on I’m at the computer so that’s much easier going. Line up snacks on a plate beside the screen a bit here and there and they are done.

Then my daughter came home and asked me if I wanted steak with mixed beans and cheese. Bit early for dinner and I started to say no but caught myself. I said ‘please’ instead. (As you can see my daughter is a DSer by proxy - in the habit of eating a good healthy protein-fibre based dinner! )  I ate a large plateful.  My tum feels stuffed & intestine bless it,  feels a tad knackered and I’m scared about what tomorrow morning will bring on the throne. The first 5 kilo floater from hell possibly? Suffer the thought!

Still it is only nearly 8pm right now so there is still more eating time.  Groan. Oh my - I think I might start moaning - already!  So much for my earlier resolutions. I’m exhausting my food supplies pretty fast and I better not work out how much these ‘eating’ days are going to impact my household budget - so I’ll probably settle for a bowl of granola at around 10pm. As a last touch I will sweeten it with condensed milk , as a grand finale on the day to blow the calories sky high.

Actually, I wonder what the calorie count is for the day - been a long time since I thought in that direction, but might be interesting.  I’m going to bawl my eyes out on Mr P’s scales if this does not take me up a notch. Which is darned perverted actually - usually we cry if we are climbing the notch.  Which does happen . I had a bout of wee notches in my 2nd year if I recall correctly, and I do remember my lip kind of getting spasmodic at the time too. Which is why I write this post of my eating and eating aware that if someone is struggling with not to eat the carby stuff I’m struggling to eat, it probably  sounds like I am a ninny for nearly moaning. Anyway I better not think about it, I think I am having an emotional moment probably thanks to the increased carbs in my body turning my  hormones into nervous wrecks!  Makes me think what on earth we do to our kids when they fill up on sugary carby stuff - poor little sods.

Can longerterm DSers eat a lot?  -  generally speaking,  yes, I’m afraid so.  Do we want to?  No, well I don’t, under normal circumstances. There is a big difference between eating out of hunger and eating out of calorie expansion needs ( I should create a new abbreviation: CEN - lol). Or BIC (because I can.)  I’m not hungry at all when I am eating those snacks.  If I had just done the main meals I would have been more than satisfied. So fear not -  as much as a paradox as it seems - even though one can eat plenty, chances are you really won’t want to when you are longerterm like me. Long and short of it is it’s an effort.  Plus the DS still works my friends, as it is not about things like capacity as much as metabolic control.

Tell you what -  tomorrow some ‘normal’  eating will be a blessed relief!

One aspect of losing all this weight is that it puts one firmly back in the land of the able bodied. It can be quite an adjustment at first as others (not to mention oneself)may develop expectations that can be pressurising. Suddenly you can hold down a job, commute the distance. Suddenly you might find everyone expects superwoman or superman to arise from the ashes and the chores around and outside the house subtly (or not so subtly increase).  That’s the tough side. That’s the side that makes marriages (even the best of them) wobble sometimes. Mine too. But you can’t revisit the past too much & thank the gods things kind of worked out on the expectation fronts and most of my momentary excursions are self caused. I keep catching myself mithering on about the past stuff which at the time was, I remind myself MONUMENTALLY important. I don’t mean to underplay it in any way but at 7 years out one kind of gets this need not to overly linger there too much and to keep moving on into every day as fully as one can.

But the great side is we can do things we wished to do in the past but couldn’t. We can indeed move into life fully.  We can (at the risk of sounding appalling sentimentally twee - apols in advance as you gag), (whispers and mumbles a little): we can make our dreams come true. I know - it sounds barf worthy - but it is true. Really.

I used to love gardening before I got morbidly obese. I had a big passion for it. In South Africa I designed a contemplation garden that in my mind I still revisit. I built a massive pond the size of a small swimming pool,  with a wooden bridge over it. I had the most gorgeous tame koi fish that came to be fed by hand. I cobbled a patio area where we would sit after a long hot day sipping iced drinks. There were sacred bamboo, tree ferns, banana palms and water lilies and it was green and peaceful.

Well mostly. We did have a hitch when in my enthusiasm to bring nature to the pond I thought it might be a plan for Pete and the kids to go to the local lake and catch a few frogs. They came home truimphant with the afternoons catch of 7 rather large (put four tennis balls together and that sums up their hefty girth - must have been morbidly obese I reckon) bullfrogs! Still they were beauties and they promptly adapted to their new home hiding in the fringe of water grasses that edged the pond.  I had visions of teaching the kids about tadpoles etc…a vision that was shattered at 2 am in the morning when the biggest ruckus of noise I have ever heard awoke the entire household. Prominent among the higher notes of the noise was a deep baritone croaking with the same vibratory quality of a bunch of pneumatic drills.  Omg!  I could see our neighbours lining up at the gate to bludgeon us. By comparison the british frog is a gently chirping soul. Polite and unobstrusive and I rather like that about them after the african frogs from hell!  Anyway, I digress.  Pete lept from the warmth of bed and egged on by me coward that I am (bless his heart) waded thigh deep in the pond trying to recapture the pesky critters. Several hours later they went back home to the lake where bull frogs should reside and peace fell on the garden and neighbourhood once more.

I  know I can’t recapture that particular type of tropical beauty here in the colder climes but I have longed to create a peaceful corner in my garden again.  I have kind of tampered on and off in the garden, I have been planting things for an age now, pruned and clipped away, but recently I started to see a wee vision of a design forming in my mind in a dark neglected corner (of both my mind and my garden).  This is hard stuff I am on about. Not just milder planting out of pots and flowers but concrete lifting bones of the garden stuff. Get a crick in your back stuff. Move those flabby muscles stuff - you get me I am sure.

In a moment of motivated madness I bought a 200kilo buddha statue off e-bay and when it arrived on pallet I had a minor panic attack.  I really felt how pathetic my 54 kilo’s is in the face of this. Even though I am bigger than it - it weighs bigtime. I doubted I could move it an inch. Mind you, my little spiral was nothing as bad as my long suffering hubby & son as they negotiated the chunk of concrete through narrow gates, with a few expletives, on the way to it’s destination. But it got there. I did laugh as the next morning the resident robins had duly christened it with a little guano and my hubby was not impressed! I was delighted though, as the garden robins can do no harm in my sight and if they christen it a little more it will weather nicely and lose that sharp brightness of new concrete.

Now it is in place, I am a driven woman. I want to create a water feature for the birds, to pebble a small sitting area, to plant iris, ferns, bamboo and maples around the buddha.   I want a month of summery bliss (hopefully), sitting in my garden just chilling out. Time is short, before I know it autumn will be here.

The motley lawn is also in the process of being sorted out. We bought a  self mulching lawnmower from a VERY honest salesman who nearly put us off buying it so honest(and probably poor) was he!  In the face of much muttering about how the lawn needs mowing frequently with this type of mower, I still felt if I did not need to lug loads of grass clippings to the compost heap and if the lawn could be fertilized by it’s own clippings - I’d be onto something good.   By nature I am lazy and although the truth of that hurts and I could justify it by selling the concept of  getting ‘greener’,  and be all santimonious and smug but at the base of my being I am all for the easy way out. It’s probably why I only get slightly naffed when people tell me WLS is the easy way out.  Because if it smacks of easiness I will grab the opportunity to sit back & enjoy the minimal effort and why the heck not! I cannot stand the busybody who thinks like everything must be a giant big effort (usually with a chronic martyrdom to match the attitude) for life to mean anything.  It’s all about suffering and the heavenly reward of feeling like a top class achiever. Frankly, I LIKE persuing pleasure even though I think I am among the last hedonists inhabiting the earth .

Hedonism \Hed”on*ism\, n.
1. The doctrine of the Hedonic sect; the pursuit of pleasure
as a matter of ethical principle. [WordNet sense 1]
[1913 Webster + WordNet 1.5]

2. The ethical theory which finds the explanation and
authority of duty in its tendency to give pleasure.
[1913 Webster]

But enough, to get back to the laborious but simplistic point I am trying to make - I’m pleased to say that it is very effective and my lawn looks promising already,  so if you are considering buying a mower, give this one some thought. It’s not as cheap as chips but it’s easy to use and in time it should save plench on fertilizers and chiropractors and especially effort so that you too can persue pleasure in your life.

I have not looked at my inbox, my visits to wls sites consist of swift look-ins - a few minutes daily at most, as I stand shovel in hand making a patio area, levelling ground, raking and weeding. It is not paradise yet but it will be. And I am happy - happier than happy being creative. And thankfuller than thankful that this body can sustain physical work like this - the DS is still my personal godsend. 

Another plus is that all the physical work is making me hungry and I am eating well, though my size 10 jeans are baggy & I probably should buy a size 8 now but don’t want to in case I gain some! And at this rate I just might!

Today:

Granola with fortified milk and a banana

A great big hunk of cheese and half an apple

2 curried chicken thighs with around 2 generous handfuls of chips

A handful of baby tomatos

2 mini kit kats (okay - that makes a regular size one then )

Garlicky lamb meatballs (3 big uns!) on chick peas with tomato paste, red pepper, onions, coriander & chilli

Now - contemplating bed and more reading of the book, Eat, Pray, Love by   Elizabeth Gilbert. While the title was what lured me of course, as my own life reflects it in a broadly different sense,  I don’t know what to make of the book yet.  I’m not ready to opine yet which must mean I am getting the flu or something.  Which reminds me that I better go take the vitamins and include some Vit C. Just in case.

http://www.springerlink.com/content/up12178231681843/

So there we have switch-patients without stomach resection and they don’t lose weight? I’ve known about this for a long time but I don’t  understand it tbh. In patients with only the sleeve or resected stomach weight gains are not uncommon longerterm - and it’s the switch part that helps them lose more weight plus maintain weight loss.   So just what is the switch part doing and how come it works in such mysterious ways ?   How come it works one way - but not the other?  Same switch, just a different stomach…different outcomes.  I’m not eating that much less (well on a good day) than the person who has a normal stomach.

Is there a way this could be exploited to help patients with lower BMI who want the DS, but don’t want the big weight loss?

What is a touch worrying is the incidence of ileal ulcers. Yup, I know - weighed against the risks of unsolvable high blood fats and diabetes it’s still in context imo, but I digress.   I’ve not yet heard of a DSer with these but that probably means sweet blow all. I often wonder if DS & bypass patients might well not notice signs of such things unless they are in the dire stages.

It’s a worry I have about diverticulosis too.http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/diverticulosis/index.htm

After my mum had it and it required extensive surgery, I started thinking if I had it due to the altered state of my intestines, I probably would not recognise the symptoms…after all bloating with the DS is not  uncommon and nor are altered bowel patterns.  I’d probably chalk the symptoms down to a jiggy system, swallow my acidophilus  and just go on with life.

It kind of makes me aware that we wls patients are operating in a pretty vast area of skewed ‘normalness’ and our perimeters of normal are not easily definable.

I’m not anxious, because these are just part of my ‘things to note & ponder’ - but reading such stuff and pondering on it makes me realise that a hugely missing part of the WLS equation is in preventative measures to hopefully ward off such problems. Patients should perhaps be informed beyond the area of basic nutrition for protein etc, but I suppose if we are not presenting with symptoms or have symptoms that we confuse with our surgeries, chances are it’ll be years until this aspect of WLS is fully explored.

Plus there is this mainstream attitude of not wanting to be alarmist or create panic over something that is just a maybe way off in the future & that’s probably understandable if not exactly constructive.

Still - it’s not going to hurt to introduce distal patients to good bowel practices like ensuring they address any blind loop bacterial overgrowths promptly. It’s not funny how often these exist and sometimes on a low level - ie a breath test shows it’s present but the patient may seem largely symptom free. http://www.gi.org/media/releases/2007am/Gastric Bypass Post-op Nutrition Issues.pdf

Measures of prevention could possibly include:

• using antacids and proton pump inhibitors as little and as short term as possible.
• Regular breath tests at post op follow ups.
• eating pre and probiotic foods daily or and/or taking acidophilus every few months.
• That we consume a good amount of varied complex carbs as soon as we have the capacity to do so.
•  That the importance of fiber, both soluble & insoluble  is discussed and understood by WLS patients.
• That the idea of reducing sugars and carbs is not just addressed in context of weight loss, but also in terms of bowel health.
• That supplemental vitamins and minerals are taken and zinc levels are regularly tested.
• That regular consumption of alcohol is discouraged longerterm as well as short term. (Okay shoot me! )
• That if a vitamin deficiency is picked up, not only is that addressed, but that the general gut health be assessed too.

One might argue that WLS patients should already be following most of the above steps.  However many of us seem to still  only understand dietary issues in terms of weight loss, not in terms of the bigger longerterm bowel health picture.  It’s a multi pronged approach that will help the synergy of nutrition plus bowel health maintainence be optimal for patients.  I might add that I spend a lot of time helping my peers sort out jiggy bowel problems so it’s not rare that they exist. Not all, but some of these problems are nicely resolved by simple things such as including more fibre plus acidophilus into the diet. Eating enough of the correct carbs can work small miracles too. Sometimes a course of flagyl or augmentin can provide a clear platform for improved gut function if followed up by use of pre & probiotics and healthy food choices.   Proper self-management might save our surgeons a lot of time so that they can get on with helping other more needy people.

…and long may it last. It’s about time. Maybe in the 7th year of surgery you get to finally be body-happy. It’s actually not ‘happy’ - happy is a kind of clappy ra-ra word. It’s hard to describe, ‘content’ maybe? Nah…..that sounds too smug. Like the perfect WLS patient who never ever god forbid, falls into the lap of even a momentary velvet chocolate rush. Ah, sod it - I can’t find the words…but you get me.

My cup has been runneth over for a small while about this but I did not want to get optimistic. The thing is a small while is exceptional for me. Okay it is only a few months but that has to be better than a few days.  It could all change overnight - it has in the past and then I have felt like a nincompoop for waxing lyrical the day before.  I have contemplated slitting my throat metaphorically, shutting my profuse blogging down for good, attending a zen retreat and not ever coming back to the real world,  or worse apologising for being so temperamental. ( I’m very proud so humility hurts me badly. )

So I have let it kind of infuse my soul without getting wordy about it until the past few days.  I’m quite surprised at it because frankly I am probably too skinny. I should be sad and bitch like hell about being this way but instead I just accept it - okay I am too skinny …so shoot me.I will eat more because a few kilo’s on won’t hurt,  but I am not going to start crucifying myself emotionally. It occurs to me that in dropping the subliminal stress, I might get there easier than I think…I already ate a slice of bread with yummy fat buttery greek beans and cheese plus 3 scrambled duck eggs this morning - 3 hours apart to be factual, but it is done!

I am very saggy baggy too and I still play with my excess skin in the bath to traumatise myself by the way it assumes the mouldable quality of play dough. Yesterday posing in my full length mirror arms covering what is left of my once voluminous boobies, I thought I might be brave and do a shoot of my semi nude body with a fig leaf of course (I’m not that kinda girl you know! )but today I’m having grave doubts.

It’s not about giving myself the bitch-crit - or a good old battering, but the following is my reality even if I can live peacefully with it. First it’s the belly button that is a bit freaky…it looks sad and that is literal. It looks like a little down turned mouth that has a pucker or two. It’s a little booger to clean too, but that’s besides the point. People researching WLS expect baggy skin ( I hope!)  and have probably looked at other post oppies sags anyway so that is not too daunting for me.

I contemplated because I was very curious pre-op about this. I wished more post ops did it but now I understand why they don’t. Generally it’s only done because the next pics at the side show the brave WLS patients post reconstruction, all smooth and undough like, pert boobies to die for and huge smile on face.  And I smile with them and feel happy for them because I know it takes guts or very deep self loathing of the body, to go the next step, both are big things to contend with and why should they not have joy & peace?!  It is right.

But the thing is they are usually saying farewell to not so sweet sagginess - so it’s a goodbye. The same way I could post up my morbid obesity pics because I knew that was going to be in the past. I could face it then.  And I don’t have the guts, the crippling self loathing enough, nor the backing of the NHS, nor the private funds to say goodbye to sick & twisted moments in my bathtub as I construct a face, a mushroom, a nuclear bomb or a wee hill out of my belly dough.      My pics would possibly remain in the archives for years to come and I might start loathing myself all over again and suffer regrets.

If this is body-happiness or whatever,  I must try to protect it because it is still vulnerable. It’s a little whispery bud in my being and I’m not used to it.  It might not last. It might only be for a few more weeks until the demon critical bitch archetype I unfortunately contain for myself alone,  starts to whisper nasties in my ear again and shoves a load of poison onto it. Mmmm - let’s not go there…

Booger the looks!  Today I am going to live in gratitude that I have a body that works. That I have a body that is champing at the bit to get up and go to meet the day head on. A body that fits into nice clothes. A body to hug my family with. Today I am going to be grateful for this body. I might be able to make a habit of that - who knows!

Sorry - it’s a feeble title but seeing as eggs continue to rule in my DS life  I thought maybe I’d devote a little blog to them.  I was enjoying my duck egg omelette just a few minutes ago and thinking that I’m going to switch from hens eggs to duck more often for a change.

When I first started to eat duck eggs  I had to work on getting through a head thing about them. I think that was because I was reared on chicken eggs and duck eggs made me think of cute fluffy little baby ducklings ( I don’t know why but hens eggs don’t bring fluffy chicks to mind)… also - I had read they had this stronger taste than chicken eggs which sounded mighty suspect to me.  So it was a bit of a mission to tentatively taste my first duck egg. To my surprise it was rich and creamily delicious and I have not yet tasted a ’strong’ flavoured one. I have found the flavour mild but just very yummily eggy. Since then I have become extremely partial to them. As a food to help both WLS nourishment levels and in my case to push a little weight gain - they can’t be beaten. Only wish I had known about them when I was recovering from my bowel obstruction surgery - they’d have been just the ticket for a good recovery.

I have had them every way possible except fried & soft boiled, I think that will take time . As scrambled or as an omelette they can’t be beaten. I find they do well with spicy toppings on an omelette. I eat mine with mild sweet chilli sauce sometimes, plain & simple. Today I tried a packet of chinese stirfry veggies(yummy mix with beansprouts, carrots, onion, chestnut etc) plus a little plum sauce on it  - DIVINE!

Here are a few idea’s for duck egg omelette toppings:

• As above: chinese stir fry with plum or other chinese sauce
• Mushroom, baby spinach, blocks of feta
• Homecooked tomato &  onion, fresh sage & oreganum if you can get it, (or use dried), thinly sliced courgettes, rounds of sliced mozzerella cheese - drizzle good pesto on top!
• Pre-cooked red pepper and finely sliced runner beans, chopped onion, little sundried tomato paste, touch of garlic, lean pork mince or strips of pork fillet. If you have cold good quality pork sausages this is a good way to stretch the leftovers. but good quality mind - none of those over processed rusk & testicle riddled excuses for a pork sausage!
• Lean lamb mince, chopped rosemary, tomato paste, thinly sliced red pepper, onion, green olives
• Simple: lots of chopped spring onion added before cooking - top with freshly shaved parmesan
• Smear omelette with low fat philadelphia cheese & top with smoked salmon, spring onion and dill.
• Fry the omelette in a mix of 50% sesame oil & 50% sunflower oil. Top with Za’atar: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Za’atar - be liberal with the spice mix! You can make Za’atar yourself or get it at a Middle Eastern Deli.
• Satay omelette:  Use peanut oil for frying. Dunk pieces into sweet chilli sauce as you eat.
• Guacamole - pop down to Tesco’s or any other supermarket, buy a punnet of this delish stuff - smear over omelette - fast, easy  and very very moreish. Sprinkle freshly grated parmasan over the top for even more protein power!

Although I do like duck eggs for breakfast occasionally, sometimes they are just too rich. Imo they come into there own for a quick evening supper. I also   find duck eggs too rich with regular cheeses - but some people like it ultra rich. I opt for lighter lower fat cheeses on mine. For some reason duck eggs are delicious with veggies - nicer than hens eggs I think, so it’s a good way to get your protein & complex carbs all in one easy to eat parcel.:-)

The trick to a great scrambled egg (duck or hen) is to not cook it on a high heat. Rather cook for longer on a low heat…it is a pain as I am impatient but the result is a soft cohesive scrambled egg, not a tough crumbly mix, so I remind myself it is worth the wait. Also don’t beat the eggs to within an inch of their lives - a gentle stir with a fork until just mixed, helps keep the eggs soft & creamy.

Ducks eggs are prized for baking - but I would not know really as my DS does not mean I bake much - sometimes the odd banana loaf or banana muffins but that’s about it! I’ll give them a try next time I get the baking bug and see if they really are as good as is said.  One thing I do want to try is a baked duck egg custard…I love baked custard especially with a good drizzle of caramel sauce over it.  Mmmm, might try this tonight & will post up if it works well.

Nutritionally duck eggs are brilliant & exceed hens eggs on every score - check out this comparison. What excites me (gawd but it is sad! ) is the great array of amino acids present in it - same as hens - but higher nutrition value:

http://www.duckeggs.com/duck-egg-nutrition-compare.html

HAPPY EATING!

I am back home.   My mum got through major surgery successfully and we celebrated goodbye to the colostomy bag! It was not an easy surgery as her new surgeon basically found she was still riddled with diverticulitis. She has half her bowel left and is managing the situation well.  I was worried about short bowel syndrome but she seems to have escaped this, though things might change. We were left wondering why on earth the previous surgeons even bothered to operate as basically they had left her bowel in a mess.  But we decided  to move forwards with life & to be grateful that this time things appear well sorted out.

I am in a better space emotionally than when I left.    In the light of the terrible xenaphobia attacks in South Africa it’s hard to hold on to ones comparatively tiny little gripes with life. I did laugh at the use of the euphimistic word ‘xenaphobia’ - for goodness sakes when will they get real. This is APARTHEID. Plain and simple. As ugly, as shameful, as hurtful. Actually I wonder if anyone has tallied up the amount of deaths in SA under the current government vs the deaths during the apartheid era. Don’t get me wrong I detest all apartheid, but I think it is time for the press to stop couching the blow that this goverment is as hopeless as the last.  I found myself getting a lot of perspective. My country is in an appalling state, the reaches of poverty are everywhere, while the government only understands personal luxury. There’s nothing like the  ghastly pictures of people being burned alive to sober one up and to make one forget one’s own problems.   It’s horrendous what is happening there.  HORRENDOUS and not justifiable.  Most of all it is infinitely sad.

On other notes, Zenni survived his deworming . I’ve no doubt my boy had heartworm too as his grade 6 heart murmur has been regraded as grade 4.  He is in better nick than I have seen him in ages.   We  are lucky we never lost him too.

I am seeing  the bigger picture  of losing  Petal more clearly too.  As bigger pictures go it takes time to see the edges of them…but I’m getting there.I feel mighty embarressed fessing up to my communications with God because  I’m not religious and I’m ashamed that I ask for help when others have much greater needs, and when I have been shooting arrows at the heavens about my lot in life , but it is via these communications that I have reached some peace in my soul about everything to do with losing my Petal. Again at the risk  of sounding like a religious nut,  my prayers have been answered and I’m swallowing my pride about my  skeptic nature which has been verily shot to bits!  Sometime soon I might tell you about the Godstuff in my life even if it makes me look as if I have totally taken leave of my senses!    For now, let me say I have made my peace about the situation. I’m not  hurling sticks at tidal waves at the moment although there is no guarentee I won’t find myself doing that again some day!  I still miss my girlie awfully but I also know she is in a safer place now & no longer riddled with heartworm and I accept I had her light in my life for a short time only, but for a reason.

I  nearly missed my flight home as I messed up my arrival dates .  I thought I was leaving on the 12th for some bizarre reason when really it was the 11th! I discovered that I was to be at the airport  within 3 hours and I was only half packed! I think I lost about 5 kilo’s in the panic that ensued with my mum and me frantically throwing my clothes into the suitcases.  But I did make it - only just!

It is good to be home.  I’m slowly trying to catch up with everything here - my inbox is the usual chaos.

Pete left for Canada today  for a week. But the time will fly by. Meantime I am sorting out life here on domestic levels.

I’m focussed on eating plenty this week. I’ve not weighed myself but let’s just say my clothes are baggy. Again. I am wearing size 10 but size 8 fits me better now.  I ate extremely well in Cape Town so I think the weight loss is due to running around more than anything else. My family here tell me I look a tad too skinny, and I know I am. I’m not panicked as I feel in good health but  I know I  need  to focus on more food, more often. So it is big time eating for this DS girl this week! The good news is I think the zinc supplementation is kicking in as my hair is growing fast again &  my appetite (while not exactly   gargantuan) is at least back. Which makes eating a whole  lot easier. In celebration of a resumed appetite, I am cooking a chicken as we speak with a spicy  marinade and  cauli and potato’s in white sauce plus the good old broccolli.Dessert will be merangues, strawberries and cream. Life on the DS edge is not too bad I can tell you!

Things are maniac here.  The washing/ironing/ packing knows no end.   I eat  as best I can but it’s just not great. Better  than a few weeks ago but  I feel I am still in shortfalls.

My days are dysfunctionally empty without Petal. I miss her as much as I did initially and I am panicked that I can’t seem to heal or find closure about her death. At night I can’t sleep without reliving those last awful hours she had. I think if only I could rewrite those hours, if I’d have known there was no hope I would have put her to sleep gently instead.  I try not to express my daily grief as it only upsets my broader circle family & friends, but I also feel they don’t want to hear about my grief as it appears unnaturally protracted. My immediate family are much like me though, we all still float about in this sense of loss. I wonder if this will ever abate, dammit! Or has it cut me so deeply that I will forever have a lame pulse of missing in my heart.  Maybe.

I am very stressed by the forthcoming trip & the fears I have for my mums safe transit though major surgery. These are not good days.

To further freak me out completely Pete had a sudden trip to Canada come up - yes in the first week that I am away. And here is my Zen, on meds, not in prime health but okay. Just okay. I really thought I might lose the plot when Pete told me this. Of all the crap timing. 

A kennel is out. I just can’t do that to him. So we frantically started to look for a home environment to place him in. Luckily there are such places. We found a fantastic agency that does just that and on Sunday we went to meet Fred & Bridget who are at home all day, adore dogs and seem a wonderful couple. Poochi made himself right at home very fast.  I know they are the best dog people we could have wished for to look after him. But I still feel really bad doing this to him. I can’t think about it as it only makes me feel miserable. At least he is getting 5 star care and loads of love. Could be a lot worse.

So I go to South Africa with a heavy heart about this even knowing this is the very best outcome under the circumstances possible for him.  I hope once I am there I can find the strength to help my mum the way she needs to be helped - I shall draw on inner resources I don’t know about - I hope!  The thing is I do love my mum dearly and would not be leaving her to go through this alone on my life. I need to try to lose my anxiety as it won’t serve  her in the least.  How?  I don’t have a clue. I’m just feeling angry because I feel like life is bollocksing me too hard right now. I have a great deal of frustration, mainly because I am a control freak deep down. I have had to drop plans I had on the work front because life is controlling me right now - not the other way around. And nope I am not going with the flow.  The flow is a great big  tidal wave  imo and  here I am throwing rage and sticks  at it! I should  build a raft instead.

I’m tasting how the knocks can drive a person down fast. How one could get selfish and hard…and I don’t want to evolve like that but I see things in myself I can’t stand at times like this.  I’m quite sick of being a drivelling moany stressy wreck now. I’m going to have to get my psyche to higher ground soon. I know I have the choice about how I percieve things. I know attitude is a choice.  But I also know it’s very hard to be ra-ra jolly hockeysticks when one is feeling pushed up against the wall face up.

Maybe when I am back on home soil I will look to the beautiful mountain and find some strength there. Perhaps I will walk along the sea on soft white sand and find energy again.  I know despite my fears and anxiety,  I will love being with my mum and among good friends and family. I know these times with my mum are precious jewels to savour and my focus must be on this fully.  I tell myself between the moments I could just spiral into mental incapacity, that it will be okay. That there is still some bigger plan that I can’t grasp. That I must hold the faith. That above all in my own despair I must not overlook the fact that others are greatly suffering too and that because of this I must be kinder than usual to everyone I meet.

Take care all my friends. If you are struggling as I am, hold the faith because that is all one has at these times.  Hold tight, it will be okay…for both of us. I shall think of you all and hope you are doing well with your surgeries and your lives.x

I will connect with most of you in 6 weeks time again.    

I’ve been determined to push through on the eating front at least. It’s no joke to start losing weight at my stage of the DS game. I’ve written enough times that ‘food is sometimes medicine with the DS’ to have brainwashed myself!

I’m not mad keen on eating but I still love food. This is quite an odd thing really as I always associated love of food with eating. I sit glued to foodie telly programs, but have no desire to taste the food myself. I still enjoy cooking, but sometimes I only take a few spoons to taste then eat what I have cooked the following day. I don’t have urgency to sit down and devour a bowl full. It’s quite strange really and I don’t understand it, but I think it is very much better than being driven by a compulsion to eat. For me, anyway.

So we sit, bowl of food & I. It is sometimes a long sit if I am honest. One bite interspaced with resolve. lol. Inevitably my food goes cold but I still go on chomping away with determination. Gotta do it!

Can’t say I lick the bowl though! What I find interesting is as soon as my body gets wind of too few calories, I start craving chocolate. I know it’s not actually chocolate I crave - it’s calories. The body speaks in strange ways. As volume eating is out for me right now, I find eating fattier food helps me at these times. So do nuts.
My trip to South Africa gets closer by the day. I’m unpacked and disorganised. I have no bra’s that fit. It’s not funny! The boobies are so small they slip out of my old ones now. Leaving me with a lopsided chest sometimes, as one stays put but the other departs south.

I had to get a doctors note to cover my butt regarding the amount of vitamins I need to take daily. In South Africa now vitamins are treated like cocaine…probably due to people trying to hock them as aids cures. It’s not that the government cares a jot for the people with aids, it is just that they sniff a big pie which they will try to control for profit. I better not go there otherwise I start thinking of Mbeki and Mgabes brotherhood and I lose the will to live. But be warned if you are travelling there as a DSer….get a doctors note for your vitamins.

Petals memorial garden is taking shape slowly. In a circle I am planting a beautiful maple tree. Around it I still plan to plant seasonal flowers, but right now there is not the time, it’ll be on hold till I get back.

I’m dreading leaving Zen right now, although my boy is doing okay. Problem is heartworm or no heartworm, he has such a bad heart murmur. I can feel it when I stroke his chest, it’s that bad. A whoosing and fibrilliation that goes beyond the ordinary pulse of life. I’m on borrowed time with him. I hate to say it but I know it. I know Pete will love him & care for him but he’s a mama’s boy. With Petal gone even more so. I cuddle him & fuss over him too much now. He misses her too, he seems at a bit of a loss without little miss personality egging him on everyday. She really brought energy to all our lives. Miss that piece of gorgeous everyday.

After indepth family discussions we feel we must not allow this empty hole in our lives to fester. We know our Zen may not be here for very much longer. We also know Petal is simply not replaceable but the quietness and somberness of our house sans a bullie-dog is fillable. It drives me to distraction how quiet and still the airwaves are here now. No bouncing buckeroo ball in mouth begging for walkies. No dippy mad running from room to room as only a bull terrier can do. No snuffles and wet nose pushing at our arms for cuddle times. The big empty prevails. So, we have begun to look at puppies. It’s very hard and somedays I think I just cannot go there and I should wait much longer. No doubt some people would judge us too for going this route so soon after her death, there are days I judge myself too and feel as though I betray my darling and dare to hope too much. But other days I think my Petal would want us to give our love and care to another dog and to have laughter,mud on the floors, mad fun and bullie-love again. We will see.

My blogs here are about to dry up for around 6 weeks while I am in SA. After that I’ll stop going so off topic, I promise! I won’t combine dogs and ds. I have plans to start another website focusing on French Heartworm Prevention, in memory of my piece of sunshine and all the other dogs we lose to it. I have decided I won’t fall back into bitterness and grief. I won’t. I’ll still ask ‘ Why oh Why my little Petal???  Why us?’ though for the rest of my life and I don’t want anyone else who loves dogs to ever need to live with the same question.

But sheeshpers ….I am getting a bit tired of the gods putting me onto such big missions in my life! What is this thing about me being given the happy tasks of raising awareness. First with my DS here in the UK - now with this Heartworm. ENOUGH!

As for this blog & my DS website I’ll do as much research as I can while I am away and once I am back we will lift off back into DS world and start to tackle the wonderful world of DS supplementation. Oh the joys!